


Unexpected Beautiful

by unexpectedbeautifulfanfic



Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, F/M, Fan Characters, Romance, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-06 09:09:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 52,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12814281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unexpectedbeautifulfanfic/pseuds/unexpectedbeautifulfanfic
Summary: A woman named Palace visits Tulsa to attend her first Hanson Day, and after meeting Taylor, finds herself in a passionate affair with him. She must choose between the man she loves and doing the right thing.





	1. Prolouge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Palace explains what happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is a work of _fiction_. All of the characters (except the Hansons, of course) are fictional, and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. For authenticity's sake, the places described in Tulsa and the surrounding areas are real. This story was written for entertainment only and not for profit. This story was written in 2014 and originally posted on Tumblr.  
>  Title of story inspired by this song "Lost Without You: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ma5_1cToWk

I just wanna be the one you're holding onto  
And if you wanna run tonight  
I'd take you anywhere you want me to

~*~

If I knew what I was getting myself into, or what would happen, I would have never gone to Tulsa for Hanson Day.

Do I regret what happened? I'm not sure. I go back and forth on whether the time Taylor and I spent together was worth the pain that followed.

Taylor and I fell hard in love with each other, and those two weeks we spent together were like a dream I never wanted to end. There were highs and there were lows: the highs were like nothing I had ever, or have since experienced... and the lows made me feel like I wanted to die. I have never loved anyone like I loved Taylor. A light lit up in us when we were together, and that light died when we were forced to part.

What follows is what happened. After reading, you'll wonder why I told this story. My only answer is that I had to. You don't need to understand why.

That is, if you even believe that it happened.

That, I guess, is for _you_ to decide.


	2. In the City

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Palace arrives in Tulsa.

Do you love, do you love me, do you love me, little pretty  
Can you tell me, can you tell me  
What's going on In The City  
Sittin there tryin to look so sweet  
Every word you say is full of deceit

—

May 2014 

Thursday, Week One

I arrived at the Tulsa International Airport around noon on that day.

After trekking down to the baggage claim, I had my bag and was swiftly in a cab headed towards downtown, where my hotel, The Fairfeld Inn and Suites, was located.

The air felt different in Oklahoma; drier than I was used to in Portland. The landscape we were whizzing past was flat and dry. It was very different than the lush green I was used to in the Northwest.

I awkwardly fumbled with my map of Tulsa. I rummaged through my bag for my reading glasses, and mentally cursed myself for forgetting my lenses for this trip.

I always forgot something when I travelled anywhere. Always.

I could feel the cab driver's eyes on me as I studied my map. I looked up at him, and after catching him staring at me twice, I asked:

"Can I help you with something?"

Rude? Maybe. But he was staring at me.

"You're not from around here, are ya'?" He asked, unembarrassed.

I laughed. "What gave it away?"

"Well, for starters, the map. Tulsa ain't big enough to need a map, lady. Also, you a tattoo model or something?"

I glanced down at my arms and hands, covered in traditional tattoo art.

"In fact, I do do some pinup modeling, yes." I replied. He raised his eyebrows and replied with a "huh" and a shake of his head, like he was impressed with himself for guessing right. He stared ahead at the road for a while.

"You here to see those Hanson boys?" he said after a while.

"Yep. Is it that obvious?"

"No, I just guessed because I've been picking you girls up all day."

In no time at all, he had dropped me off at my hotel (there was no traffic at all) and wished me a good trip. I checked into my hotel in no time, and unpacked even faster. I was eager to get out and get in the line for check-in, which I'd heard was notoriously long. I changed, freshened up, and was on my way to 3CG Records, Hanson's record label, where registration was located.

—

After check-in, which went faster than I'd expected, I found myself with some time to kill. The Hanson Day events didn't start until the next day, which was Friday. I was hungry, so I decided to head to a restaurant. I decided on Caz's Chowhouse, which was located just around the corner from my hotel. On the menu, under specials, "Hanson Sightings" was listed. I found that amusing, and took a picture with my phone and posted it to my Instagram, where I was chronicling my adventure with the hashtag #hansonday2014.

A very nice waitress seated me at the bar. I enjoyed a positively decadent southern fried catfish at what I thought was a very reasonable price.

I'd only been here a couple hours, and I was already falling in love with Tulsa.

After lunch, I took a cab to pick up my rental car, which was located at the Woodland Hills Mall. I could have gotten one at the airport, but the price was cheaper at the mall. I was always on the lookout for a bargain, especially when travelling.

I then aimlessly drove around in my new car, checking out the area, until I saw a museum, which was located on the campus of the University of Tulsa. I decided to visit. I parked in the college's lot, and was delighted that parking was so cheap: only $5. Everything really was cheaper in Tulsa.

While walking around the museum, I noticed a wall of framed pictures of famous people who'd visited the grand opening of the museum's recent renovation, posed smiling with whom I assumed was the museum's staff. There was one of Taylor and his wife Natalie, smiling together next to a new mural installment outside in the outdoor art area.

Apparently Tulsa loved Hanson, and for good reason – a local I met at Caz's told me that their Hanson Day events brought in so many people that they had played a big hand in the "revitalization" of the downtown area. I spent a few hours at the museum, and after stepping back out, I noticed it was getting dark. I was surprised I'd spent so much time at the museum.

I contemplated what to do next. I still didn't feel like going back to my hotel. I was craving another beer, so I headed back downtown, parked my car in the hotel lot, and walked around for a bit before settling on Downtown Lounge, a rock bar. I was pleased to see that they had MMMhops, Hanson's beer, on the menu. I took a selfie of myself drinking one and settled into a corner, ready to people-watch and pass the evening quietly.

I was surprised to not see another fan in sight. Previously, everywhere I'd gone, they'd been swarming in mass, 5,000 women (and a few men) all in town at the same time for the same reason - and they travelled in packs. I didn't mind travelling alone, but also didn't think it'd be an altogether awful thing to meet some friends while here. I didn't know anyone in real life who also liked Hanson. It'd be cool to be able to share that with someone. But so far, no one had talked to me.

I guess this particular bar was too off-the-beaten path to interest any of my fellow fans. Or maybe everyone was arriving tomorrow. Other than the bartender and me there were only two other people in the bar – an older couple. I assumed I wouldn't meet anyone tonight, and was fine with that.

But not long after I'd gotten there, my luck turned around: a group of guys who looked like they were around my age walked in. They were definitely locals. They settled on a table near me.

I smiled at them, and drank my beer.

—

About an hour had passed. I was bored and ready to go back to my hotel.

As I was getting up to leave, one of the guys who'd come in earlier walked over and sat down next to me. He smiled and asked me my name.

I was game.

"Palace. And you?"

""P-A-L-L-A-S"? Like Pallas Athena?"

"No, 'PAL-ACE', Like Aladdin's Palace."

"Oh, cool. Beautiful name. I'm Ryan."

We shook hands, smiling at each other. He was really good-looking: fit, tan, and blond with striking green eyes. I decided to stay. A few shots and two hours later, Ryan and I were drunk and feeling frisky. I lead him back to my room.

We spent the night together. When I woke up the next morning, he was gone, but he'd left a little note on the hotel's stationary that read:

_Had fun last night! Had to run to work. Sorry about leaving without saying anything. Let's get together again soon._

_Ryan_


	3. Try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan takes Palace to a party where she meets Taylor.

Funny how the heart can be deceiving  
More than just a couple times  
Why do we fall in love so easy  
Even when it's not right

—

Friday, Week One

A harsh ring coming from my desk awoke me from a particularly good dream. I look over, expecting to see Ryan lying next to me, but he's gone. I shrug.

"Shit," I mumble, stumbling out of bed and grabbing the phone from the desk where I'd left it last night. My head is pounding. My hangover this morning was brutal. I chuckled to myself, remembering last night's activities. It had been worth it, though. Ryan had been a fun lay.

"Hey! How are you?" my best friend Katie's chipper voice came through the other line.

I cringed and turned down the phone volume. "Hey! I'm good. Tulsa is great. Everyone is really nice. It's refreshing."

Taking the phone with me, I step into the mini-kitchen and put on some coffee. I'm one of those people that can't function until I've had a cup (or two) of coffee.

"What'd you do last night?" she asked.

"Checked-in. Had dinner. Visited the museum, then headed to a local bar. Hooked up with some guy. When I woke up he was gone."

"Palace! You didn't." I could tell Katie was excited to hear all the torrid details of my latest fling, thought she wanted to sound disapproving on principle. Though happily married, Katie still loved to hear about my adventures in singledom. Sometimes I thought she may not be as happy as she lets on, and that she lives vicariously through me.

"I did."

"Why?" She asked, exasperated.

"I was bored? He was hot?"

She sighed. "What if you see him again?"

I shrugged. "So what. I'm only here for a few days."

"Did you give him your number?"

"Yeah. I think so. I don't remember? I had a lot to drink."

"Did you tell him what you were in town for?"

I laughed. "Of course not. He'd only have made fun of me."

"Maybe not. Maybe he's one of those "guy" Hanson fans."

I laughed, then immediately regretted it as it made my head throb.

"Yeah, right. Besides, he didn't need to know. It was a hookup, Katie. That's it. None of his business."

There was a pause. "You could have more with someone, you know."

I sighed. Here we go again. I sipped my coffee and popped an Advil. Then, for good measure, I emptied an Emergen-C into a cup of water and chugged that.

However much Katie enjoyed hearing my stories of hooking up, what she really wanted was for me to settle down and get married...like her. What she seemed to always forget was that I was yet to meet the right guy, like she had been lucky enough to. This wouldn't go anywhere. Katie knew why I was single: my last boyfriend had completely broken my heart. I needed time to recharge. A relationship was the last thing on my mind. I decided to change the subject.

"It's nice here. People are nice. They actually talk to you. Lots of pretty, young couples with cute kids. It's sort of like a different world."

"Sounds like it. So, what's the plan for today?"

"Uh," I consulted my dog-eared Tulsa Guide, "photo shoot, lecture, then...uh, fan club dinner."

"Sounds positively Hanson-tastic." There was a slight mocking tone in her voice.

I smiled. I knew even though she made fun of me, I knew she was happy for me. This was my first year attending Hanson Day, and I'd been a fan for almost 17 years. "Yeah, it will be. It's good to be here. I'll call you tomorrow."

"You better. You'll be meeting the guys, right? I'm sure you'll have a lot to tell."

"Hopefully! Bye." I hung up.

Little did I know how true that would end up being.

—

Later that night, in the fan club dinner, I was in post-Hanson bliss, having just met the guys for the first time and gotten a photo op. The lectures had been really interesting and I was busy discussing them with other fans at the table when I felt that familiar buzz of my phone in my pocket.

It was Ryan, the guy I'd hooked up with the night before. I opened his text:

_I had a great time with you last night. Get together later? There's a party._

I guess I has given him my number. What the hell, I thought. Why not? I was feeling party-ready. There were no events planned past 9pm, so I had some time to kill.

_Sure. Where and when should I meet you?_

_The Yeti. 10pm?_

_See you then._

We met at The Yeti – a bar near my hotel - and had a few drinks and talked. After getting to know Ryan (sober), I found that I genuinely liked him. He was more than a pretty face; he was an aspiring country musician who worked at the local performing arts center. He was smart and funny. And, well, there was no denying; he was a total fox. I hadn't told him I was in town for Hanson. He thought I was in town for work. I was happy to have a local friend while I was in Tulsa.

After our drinks, we headed to his friend's place, who was hosting the party. We arrived a little after 11:30am. Everyone, at that point, was comfortably drunk and feeling friendly. It didn't take long for me to meet a few people. Before I knew it I was comfortably chatting with a cute guy in a cowboy hat. Ryan had wandered off.

After saying goodbye to cowboy-guy, I wandered over to the makeshift bar, ordered a vodka and soda, and leaning myself against it, proceeded to people-watch.

So far, I liked Tulsa a lot. People were nice. Like really, genuinely nice. I wasn't used to that. They smiled and talked to you, without seeming like you were putting them out. Not like in Portland, where people were aloof, at the worst, cold. It was easier to meet people here. Good 'ol Southern hospitality at its finest, and I was more than happy to take advantage of it.

It was then that I saw Ryan advancing towards me, followed by another man. I smiled and waved.

"Palace! There you are! I was looking everywhere for you. I wanted you to meet a friend of mine. This is his party. Taylor, this is Palace. "

And before I knew it, Taylor – as in Taylor Hanson - was innocently extending his hand to mine.

I just stared at him for a moment, un-believing what was happening.

Was I actually meeting Taylor Hanson...from Hanson? Again?

I shook his hand, somewhat feebly, and tried to smile.

When our hands met, sparks flew. Literally. I quickly pulled my hand away, laughing slightly.

"Must be that humidity." Taylor said casually. Then, a look of recognition crossed his face and he looked at me intently. "Hey...weren't you at the photo shoot earlier today? At Cains?"

I nodded, numbly. Ryan looked confused. "Palace, you didn't tell me you were a fan!"

Ryan's question didn't even register. Taylor and I just stared at each other. Time seemed to stop. There was an uneasy longing in his stare, an unsatisfied intensity, like he was searching for some answer to some ultimate question in me. It was disarming. And supremely embarrassing.

"Do you two...know each other?" Ryan asked.

Taylor shook his head then said, seeming to snap out of it, "Palace? Like Aladdin's Palace?"

"Exactly. Nice to meet you." I managed to utter.

"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you. Can I get you a drink?"

And that was how easily I got to know Taylor Hanson.

The rest, however? What came after?

Well, that wasn't so easy.


	4. Run Away With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Palace attends the MOE concert at Cains.

You're stuck in my head, stuck on my heart, stuck on my body, body  
I wanna go, get out of here, I'm sick of the party, party  
I'd run away  
I'd run away with you

—

It didn't even occur to me to question his intentions.

If you are lucky enough to meet your idol, and he wants to spend time with you...is interested in you...well, you don't argue...right?

In hindsight? Yeah, I should have run.

Poor Ryan didn't stand a chance. Once Taylor and I met, no one else at that party existed. Taylor had got me the drink as he'd suggested. He then had led me into a room with less people. We had, in that corner of his house, spent hours talking. I felt so comfortable with him. He hadn't seemed concerned with being rude, ignoring his guests – all he'd seemed to want, incredibly, was to talk to me. He seemed completely mesmerized by me - he drank in every word I said. He was genuine and passionate. There was electricity between us from the moment we met.

I'd never (still haven't) met anyone I had such chemistry with.

He made me feel special, like I was everything he had been looking for all along. It was a intoxicating and addicting feeling, and hard to ignore.

We talked about my life – he wanted to know everything. We talked about his life, his music – I asked him so many questions. Eventually, people started leaving, saying their goodbyes and we were basically alone. He said he had to get to bed, for he had to be up early the next day to set-up for the events.

He then asked me if he could see me again.

I'll admit, I was drunk and overwhelmed. He wanted to see me again? It was like a dream come true. All logic seemed to leave my mind. I didn't question why, all I said was yes and I'd see him at the show tomorrow, right? Feeling awkward suddenly, I got up.

He got up too, and touched my arm. He told me it was nice to meet me and he hoped he'd see me tomorrow after the show. His unnaturally blue eyes bore into mine with that intensity only he possesses. He told me he'd put me on the VIP list, and to just go to the side of the stage tomorrow and they'd let me back there.

I hugged him, and ran outside, head and heart reeling, and called a cab.

Once back at the hotel, I immediately got into bed. My mind raced a million miles a minute, as I lay in bed, anxious and unable to sleep, head spinning. I couldn't make sense of what had happened that evening. I felt like I was in a dream.

I had just met Taylor Hanson, and he had come on to me. I felt excited and disappointed at the same time. I wondered if I could have imagined it? No, I thought. He had definitely been hitting on me. He'd told me to meet him after the show and put me on the VIP list. Somehow I knew he didn't do that for all the fans.

But...why? He was married. He wasn't like that...was he? And why had he chosen me out of all the women there?

I tossed and turned all night, my thoughts racing.

—

Saturday, Week Two

I woke up the next morning, head heavy, hung-over.

"Ugh." I muttered, dragging myself out of bed and into the shower. I checked the clock: 11am. Wow, I had slept late.

As I showered, memories from our conversation the night before came back to me in flashes....

__

"You have such an interesting look. What do you do? Are you a model"?

I laughed lightly, and took a sip of my drink.

"One question at a time Taylor! I can't keep up with this inquisition!"

Taylor smiled, touching my arm where my tattoo of Lauren Bacall was. My skin tingled where his hand had been. "This is gorgeous. I've always loved old Hollywood actresses. They had such class. Women seem to have lost that, you know?"

I nodded. "Yeah, totally. Now it's all about how much skin you can show, not your character. It used to be what made a women attractive was her poise and intelligence. How she carried herself."

"I love how you carry yourself. You seem so self-assured. It's hot."

My hand shaking slightly, grabbed the tiny shampoo and twisted the top off, emptying its contents into my hand and lathering the concoction in my hair. I was too distracted to remember to use the special color-safe shampoo I'd brought with me. My head pounded. The scent of coconut invaded my senses, but instead of being pleasant, it made me nauseous. I resisted the urge to throw up in the bathtub.

What had happened last night? I couldn't have imagined it, could I? Taylor had been hitting on me, I know that much. If it hadn't had been so unbelievable I would have been offended. There was no mistaking that look he'd given me when he asked if he could see me again: pure lust.

"Where are you staying?" He asked. His pose was relaxed, back on the chair, legs relaxed and slightly open. One hand on his lap and the other playing with the straw of his drink.

Like he had many times that night, he stared at me with an intensity that made me blush and look away.

And I wasn't a blusher.

"Why?" I asked, looking up at him again.

He smiled. "Just curious."

I hesitated before answering. "The Fairfield Inn."

He nodded, taking a sip of his drink, and he seemed to hesitate before asking, "Can I meet you there tomorrow after the show?"

I almost choked on my beer.

"What? Why?" I managed to utter.

"You know why." He said, his gaze still on me, unflinching.

I suddenly remembered reading somewhere that it someone stares at you for longer than 6 seconds it means they want to kill you or fuck you.

I was pretty sure it was the later.

"You're married, this is wrong." I blurted out. He sighed.

"I know, and it's not."

I closed my eyes tight, trying to forget what he had said to me the night before. I stepped out of the shower and leaned over the sink, staring at myself naked in the mirror.

My idol, my teenage crush, a member of my favorite band in the entire world, who was married, had come on to me.

And the worst part? I wanted him too.

I managed to make myself look presentable and stumbled up to breakfast. In the elevator, I struck up a conversation with some fellow fans. We decided to sit together.

Despite having some much-wanted company, I couldn't stop thinking about Taylor and what had happened last night. They must have thought I didn't like them, because I kept having to ask them to repeat themselves when they asked me a question. They were sharing stories of meeting the guys briefly at the photo op, and I couldn't help but feel proud that I'd had such a better and more meaningful encounter with Taylor. I couldn't tell them about it, of course, but I sure wanted to. I felt awful for wanting his advances, and much worse for regretting turning him down. I kept telling myself, he's married he's married, but somehow it didn't register. I was so excited that he was interested in me, I couldn't see the reality of the situation.

Now, looking back, I knew he used me to fill some void in himself, to feed his unquenchable narcissism, but I couldn't see that then. I was star-stuck.

As excited as I was about the concert, I was anxious about seeing Taylor again. It was strange to feel this way before a concert of theirs; usually I was giddy with anticipation, excited. Not this time.

As I stood in line, I was lost in my own thoughts. It suddenly occurred to me that in my blind interest in talking with Taylor, I'd totally forgotten about Ryan. I took my phone out and tried to figure out what to say to apologize. I started typing, then stopped. What could I say, really? I'd ditched him on our date to talk to his friend. Ugh. I was awful. I decided on

Hey Ryan, sorry about last night. Had a little fan-girl moment. Sorry for ditching you. Forgive me? Dinner tonight?"

I felt obligated to make it up to him. He was so nice, and I knew I'd hurt his feelings. I had to make it right. I leaned on the wall of the venue and sighed. I checked my watch: two hours until doors. I felt uneasy for some reason. Silly I know, but I felt like the girls in line knew what had happened, and were jealous. Every time one glanced at me, I imagined cruel thoughts going through her head, her silently judging me, some for not taking him up on his offer, and others for being awarded his sought-after attention in the first place.

I sighed. It was going to be a long night.

\--

Saturday, Week One

I stood in line at Cains, pensive, hungover and lost in my own thoughts. Hanson had really set up the perfect weekend for their fans. I was in awe, as usual, with how much effort they put into connecting with their fans. There was so much to do. I'd enjoyed the gallery, even bought one of Taylor's prints. I'd visited the Woody Guthrie Center, walked around Mayfest, their annual arts festival, and looked around the Hanson merchandise store. It was easy to kill time in Tulsa. Everything just seemed to move slower. People were more relaxed.

I was anxious for them to open the doors, but knew it was impossible to escape the dreaded "Hanson Time": as expected, they were already an hour late opening the doors.

Some things never change.

I was sitting on the sidewalk watching Hanson videos on my iPhone when I heard a voice ask, "Is this your first Hanson Day?" I looked up and saw the voice was coming from a girl in front of me in line. She was pretty, blonde, a few years younger than me. She was wearing an older Hanson shirt from The Walk tour, and had a Hanson bag and Tom's shoes on. She looked like a die-hard fan, but not in a bad way. She looked nice, really. I stood up.

"Is it that obvious?" I asked, laughing, brushing off my shorts. "And here I thought I was fitting in well with this." I motioned to my Hanson t-shirt I'd purchased earlier in the store. I was the first Hanson shirt I'd ever owned.

She laughed. "No, not really! I just saw you walking around earlier and you looked a bit lost."

"It is my first time." I admitted, putting my hand out to shake hers. "Palace, by the way. I came all the way from Oregon."

"Cindy. I've met fans from all over, but not one from Oregon yet. Very cool. I'm from Texas."

"Where in Texas?"

"Houston."

I nodded. "Cool." I responded, looking around. I checked my watch again.

She must have misinterpreted my distraction and disinterest in talking to her as anxiousness or shyness, because she asked, "Excited? Me, too. Their sets for the members-only events are usually pretty short, but I heard this one is going to be extra long tonight because they are planning to play everything off the new EP."

"Yeah?" I responded, but of course, I already knew that. I had been to my fair share of Hanson shows. I heard excited talking, and looked to the front of the line and saw Taylor and Zac walking down, smiling and waving at us as they passed. Girls in line excitedly talked amongst themselves and waved back. Some took pictures. One girl asked Zac to sign a homemade plate and take a quick picture with her. I looked down, avoiding Taylor's glance. Despite doing this, I felt his eyes on me. We watched them walk around the venue. The girl ahead of me waited until they passed before loudly whispering, "Wow, girl he was looking at you!" to me.

I faked surprise, but felt my heart jump.

"Really? Who?"

"Taylor!" He was totally checking you out!" I awkwardly smiled, trying to look surprised. "Me? No way." I muttered, suddenly looking very carefully at my nails. Cindy didn't seem to notice my embarrassment, and soon she had moved on, and was talking about something else. I just sort of drowned her out after a while.

"...And man, what is up with Taylor's hair? They need to fire their stylists. Hot guys with bad hair, no thank you!" she laughed. I laughed along with her politely.

With nothing else to do, I continued talking to Cindy. Finally, after about twenty-five minutes, we heard a cheer at the front of line and we started to move. I took out my ID from my purse. I noticed my hands were shaking slightly. I took a deep breath.

"We're going in!" Cindy squealed, obviously excited.

After bag and wristband checks, we were in. Girls started lining up in front of the stage. I would need some liquid courage to survive this I decided, though I vowed not to get too drunk tonight. I went to the bar and ordered a double whiskey and Coke. I sipped it in the back until my nerves were calmer, and then decided what to do next.

Taylor had said he would put me on the VIP list, but what if he had forgotten? It would be embarrassing if I went up there and wasn't on it. However, I'd be an idiot to not go backstage. What chance would I ever have to do this again?

As I watched the crowd around me, milling about, talking amongst themselves excitedly, I longed to be one of them. But instead of just enjoying the build-up to the show, I was anxious and confused. I still couldn't make sense of what had happened last night. Was Taylor really interested in me? Even if it was true, I couldn't let myself believe it. It was just too unbelievable an idea to entertain.

But, as guilty as I felt, I couldn't walk away. I had to see what would happen next. Would he carry on with his advances? How far would he go? What would I do if he really came on to me? Would I be able to resist him? I mentally promised myself not to allow myself to be in a room alone with him. That was just a recipe for disaster. We could just be friends, right? So what if he was attracted to me and had come on to me. I was strong. I could resist. I suddenly laughed out loud, realizing how insane it were that I was actually envisioning an exit strategy if I found myself alone in a room with Taylor Hanson. I can say I honestly never thought I'd ever be thinking about that.

A girl walking past me heard me laugh to myself and gave me a strange look. She handed me a little homemade mustache made from construction paper and a wooden stick and said something I couldn't make out. I just stared at it, confused. I pocketed it.

After knocking back the rest of my drink, I took a deep breath and walked over to the side of the stage. I resisted the urge to go and get another shot. Fans standing near there gave me dirty looks, thinking I was trying to cut them in line. A large man, probably Cain's security guard, was standing there guarding the partitions that lead to backstage.

"Hey." I said, trying to sound casual. "Palace. I'm on the VIP list. Can I go back now?" He looked me down with a slight sneer. "On the "list", eh? What's the name again?"

"Palace."

"Palace?" he repeated disbelievingly.

"Yes." He chuckled and reached behind him for his radio. He said something into it I couldn't discern. After getting a response, he paused, looked surprised, then told me, "Yeah, you're good. Go ahead." He stepped aside and parted the curtains for me. I thanked him and stepped in.

At once I was on the other side, surrounded by sound equipment. The venue was small, and all that separated me from the crowd was some black pipe and drape and a fence. I could hear girls talking excitedly in front of the stage, but couldn't make out what they were discussing. Instead, I walked farther back and found myself in a hallway. I stopped, unsure where to go. Soon, I saw a roadie walking towards me, carrying an amp.

"Uh, where are the guys?" was all I could manage to say. My heart was beating fast and I was starting to get very, very nervous. In fact, I was considering back-tracking and joining my fellow fans out on the floor.

He looked surprised by the question. "Probably in the green room" he replied, motioning down the hallway to a door marked "GREEN ROOM."

"Thanks," I mumbled.

"No problem" he replied, stepping past me.

I walked down the hallway and paused outside the green room. I was about to open the door when it flew open, slamming me in the face.

Then everything went black.


	5. How To Be A Heartbreaker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After getting knocked out, Palace wakes up in the green room at Cains.

This is how to be a heartbreaker  
Boys they like a little danger  
We'll get him falling for a stranger  
A player, singing "love you"  
At least I think I do

—

Saturday, Week One

When I came to, I was on a couch, and a pretty young blonde girl was holding an ice pack to my face.

Faintly, I could hear the beginning chords of "Lost Without You" from the stage.

I struggled to get up and mumbled, "Who are you? Where am I?"

The girl smiled, taking the cold compress off my face. "I'm Zoe. Hanson's sister. Taylor asked me to watch out for you. You're in the Green Room at Cain's."

Then I realized what was going on. I was at a Hanson show. The last thing I remembered was the door to the green room hitting me in the face. I must have been knocked out.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Zac knocked you out with the door. We brought you back here."

"How long have I been out?"

"About an hour."

"Wow" was all I could muster. My face ached. I touched it gingerly. It felt hot. I instinctively looked around, seeking my purse. I didn't see it anywhere. Zoe seemed to sense what I was doing and said, "Your purse? Yeah, I have it here." She smiled again, handing it to me. "Cute, by the way."

I managed to smile back and thank her. I unzipped my purse, and took out my mirror. The left half of my face was black and blue. I touched it again, wincing. Thankfully, however, it seemed like the door has missed my nose. I groaned.

"Wow, I am such a klutz. Thank you for helping me." I said.

"No problem." She said, "Believe it or not, Zac is known for doing these types of things; hurting people by accident, that is. I'm kind of his personal assistant for this weekend. He felt so bad about hitting you. He's the one that picked you up and carried you back here. He wanted to call an ambulance, but Isaac figured you were ok, since you were just knocked out. So we decided to let you lay back here for a while until you came to. Taylor was really worried, and wanted to stay with you, but they were already late starting. So he left me in charge of you. He told me to tell him when you'd woken up." She looked proud of this fact, like she had been given extra responsibility and she had proved herself as capable.

"Oh. Thanks." I muttered. I had a raging headache, and was incredibly thirsty. "Could you tell me where I can get some water?"

"Oh! Yeah, totally. I'll get it for you." She said, getting up and walking over to a sink in the corner of the room. She filled a small Styrofoam cup with water and handed it to me. "Here ya go."

I took it, gratefully. "Thanks." I took an Advil from my purse and drank the water.

She sat back down next to me. "How are you feeling? Do you want to go out and watch the show? If you feel sick again, you can come back here."

I nodded. "Yeah, that'd be great." I stood up, and immediately felt worse. My head throbbed and I felt like I was going to pass out. I sat back down.

"Maybe not quite yet." I laughed.

"That's okay. They should be taking a break soon, anyway. So you can talk to them back here."

Talk to them? I wasn't sure I was ready for that.

"Okay." I said uncertainly. I really had no choice. I felt too sick to get up. Secretly, though terrified, I was really excited to be backstage and have the opportunity to hang out with them.

Zoe and I hung out and talked. Well, she talked and I listened. She was a nice girl and very chatty. A couple songs later, I heard the familiar voice of Taylor announcing to the crowd that they were "taking a little break" and would be back soon. I took a deep breath, and tried to mentally will away the nervousness I felt.

The door to the green room swung open, and there was Zac, his long blonde hair messed up and sticking to his face, and carrying a bottle of water. He came right up, and sat down next to me on the couch.

All I could think about was how good-looking he was in person.

"Oh my gosh, I am so glad you're awake! I am so sorry for hitting you. Are you okay?" he asked. I nodded gratefully.

"I'm fine. It's totally okay."

"Are you sure?" He looked genuinely concerned. He was studying me carefully.

"It happens. I'm pretty accident-prone." I laughed then added, "thanks for helping me to the couch. Zoe said I was out cold."

"You were. We were really worried."

We?

"Well, thanks to you I'm okay" was all I could manage to say.

"Good. That's what I want to hear." Zac smiled and got up and started rummaging through a cabinet above the sink. He asked Zoe, "are there any Red Bulls left?" Zoe shook her head. "No, you drank them all last night during the rehearsal. Do you want me to get one for you from the bar?"

Zac turned around. "Nah. I'll go myself. Think I can beat the crowd if I wear this?" he held up an ugly Pabst Blue Ribbon trucker hat and wide-rimmed glasses.

I laughed. I couldn't help it. The idea that the fans wouldn't recognize him – get-up or not - was funny to me.

"Sure?" I responded, smiling. "It's worth a shot. Caffeine is a necessity." He smiled at that.

"Absolutely."

Then he was gone, out the door.

"I wonder where Ike and Tay are." Zoe wondered aloud, sitting back down with me on the couch.

My phone started ringing. I checked it.

Ryan.

I got up carefully, and after realizing that I no longer felt like fainting, I walked to the other side of the room for some privacy. I was about to answer his call when the door opened and I heard a familiar voice say,

"Where's Palace?"

And I swear, hearing Taylor say my name? My world stood still.


	6. Blue Jeans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Palace has a conversation with Taylor.

Blue jeans, white shirt  
Walked into the room you know you made my eyes burn  
It was like James Dean, for sure  
You're so fresh to death and sick as cancer

—

Saturday, Week One

"Palace?"

I would recognize that voice anywhere.

Taylor.

I turned around and there he was. Our eyes met.

"Hey" was all I could manage to say. I awkwardly put my phone in my pocket, my return call to Ryan forgotten.

Taylor looked gorgeous, of course. He was sweaty from the show, his hair slicked back. I still remember exactly what he was wearing that night: a pair of snug white pants, a black belt and a red v-neck shirt.

"Are you okay?" he asked, striding over to me.

"Yeah. Thanks. More embarrassed than anything."

"Don't be embarrassed. It could have happened to anyone."

He was so close to my face I could smell his cologne. He was so...intense. I felt my face heat up, the air in the room felt stifling. Zoe must have sensed the sexual tension in the air, because she said,

"Tay? I'm gonna go check on Zac. He went to the bar to get a drink. I'll be back."

Tay nodded, not taking his eyes off me.

"Here, sit down." He said, leading me by the arm to the couch. I felt that familiar spark again – it couldn't have been the humidity again, could it? – and sat down with him on the couch. He gingerly touched my face.

"Damn." He said, after closely studying my face. "That's a mighty bruise." He sat back and shook his head. "Zac is such an idiot at times. He really needs to watch where he's going."

"I'm ok, really." I smiled. His concern was so sweet. Still, I wondered, what was his agenda? What was he trying to get at? I'd already told him that I wouldn't hook up with him, and chided him for hitting on me. If I had a mighty bruise, Taylor had some mighty balls to keep blatantly pursuing me like he was.

Just my luck, I thought, and his wife will walk in. But she didn't.

"Well, you still look gorgeous anyway. I'm sure it'll heal in a few days."

There it was again. That blatant flirting. I felt my heart skip a beat again, then mentally cursed it.

"Thanks." I simply replied, keeping my cool.

"Have you thought about what I asked?"

"About what?" I replied, smiling coyly.

He smiled an almost irresistible smile. "You know. About getting together."

"I don't think that's a good idea" I heard myself say, but it was like someone else was saying it. I don't think I sounded too convincing. Taylor scooted closer and put his hand on my leg.

"Look. Palace. I can't stop thinking about you."

"You hardly know me."

With great struggle, I scooted away from him.

Taylor sighed.

"Look, I know this sounds lame...but there's something different about you. Please. Just get together with me? Tonight? After the show?"

Again, I responded, but now it felt even more so that someone else was speaking for me.

"No. I can't. I'm sorry, this is wrong. You're married."

His gorgeous blue eyes bore into mine, and I felt myself struggling to keep my resolve. I prayed Zoe would come in, or Zac, and break the trance he seemed to have put me in. But no one came in to rescue me. I wasn't sure if I was relieved or disappointed by that fact.

We just sat there, across from each other, neither sure what to say next.

"What if it's just as friends?" He finally asked. "We could just hang out, maybe drive out of town?"

I laughed. "Honestly? As friends? Really? That's a disaster waiting to happen."

A pleased look spread across his face, "Ah! So you admit you want me, too."

Was he kidding? Of course I wanted him. I'd always wanted him.

I sighed. I was losing ground, failing at acting cool. "Of course I want you."

He smiled like I'd just given him a present.

"Tomorrow then? After the festival? Meet me. We'll drive out of town. No one will know."

I could hear the familiar chants of "HANSON, HANSON, HANSON" coming from the stage. I knew they'd tear down the house if the guys didn't come back out soon.

I sighed. He wasn't going to take no for an answer. And I was holding up the show.

"Fine. Where should I meet you?"

"Behind 3CG. At 8pm."

And with that, he got up, and was out the door without another word.

I sat there, stunned, angry with myself for agreeing. I knew this was a very, very bad idea, but I couldn't help but feel excited.

What did I have to lose? At worst, he'd come onto me and I'd turn him down again. At best, I'd get to spend more time with him.

Soon, as if planned, Zoe came back and said, "Oh, you're still here? I thought you'd want to go out and see the rest of the show."

"I do" I replied, standing up. "I was just on my way out."

"Okay, well, see you later! It was nice to meet you."

I hugged her. "Yeah, you too! And thanks for helping me."

I left the green room, and headed out to the main floor to watch the rest of the show, feeling like I was on top of the world, my bruised face forgotten.

But I couldn't help thinking: What had I gotten myself into?

What I should have done was run, but at the time, I couldn't.

I learned later that Taylor's best skill was making me stay.


	7. Boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Palace has a unsettling dream about Taylor. She attends the Hop Jam with Ryan.

What would it take for you to just leave with me?  
Not tryin' to sound conceited but  
You and me were meant to be

—

Sunday, Week One

_It was raining. I listened to the soft sound of it against my window. I looked out my hotel window into the darkness. I took a shot. The whiskey burned my throat. I heard a soft knock at my hotel room door. I knew who it was. I had been waiting. I was ready. I walked over and opened the door._

_Taylor._

_"Did anyone see you?" I asked simply, letting him in. I carefully looked behind him in the hallway before closing the door and locking it securely with the deadbolt._

_"I don't think so." he replied, taking his coat off._

_"Good." I said._

_He kissed me. "It's so good to see you."_

_His lips tasted like cigarettes and coffee. I could guess where he'd been. Working late in the studio, surely. I wondered what he had been working on. I inhaled his scent. As always, I worried this may be the last time I could be this close to him. He smiled that incredible, infectious smile. I felt my stomach jump into my chest. I started leading him by hand to the bed. He stopped me._

_"Wait. I want to hold on to this moment."_

_"Why?" I asked, genuinely curious._

_"I want this to last forever."_

_"It can't." I said. "You know that."_

—

The shrill ring of my hotel phone abruptly woke me. I blindly fumbled for it.

"Hello?" I mumbled.

"Good morning, Ms. Kennedy! This is your wake-up call."

"Thank you." I mumbled.

"You're welcome!" the front desk attendant chirped.

I had forgotten I'd requested the front desk give me a wake-up call.

I sat up slowly; mumbling thanks, and hung up the phone. I was tingling. Last night's dream still fresh in my mind. I wasn't entirely surprised; I'd been having sex dreams featuring Taylor for years, but this one felt different. It had felt so real. Almost like a flashback. What was wrong with me? I shook my head, trying to shake the dream.

I got out of bed, and shuffled over to the coffee maker. After preparing myself a cup I sat down heavily on the bar, sipping it pensively. The longer I thought about it, I was starting to get really worried about the "date" I've made with Taylor for tonight. I couldn't help but think that was just too good to be true. Who was I kidding? We couldn't be friends. I was way too attracted to him for that. And clearly he felt the same. If something happened, I'd be wrecked with guilt. After my third cup, I was seriously considering standing Taylor up. It was just too risky.

After a while I decided I would lose my mind sitting there, obsessing over what to do. I needed a distraction. I decided to call Katie, and then start getting ready for the day. The Hop Jam was today, but it didn't start until 3:00pm. That gave me time to explore Tulsa some more. I picked up my cell phone. She answered after two rings.

"Hey lady. How are you?"

"Hey. I'm good. How are you?"

"Good. Just hanging out at home. What's up?" Katie knew me all too well, undoubtedly she could sense something was up.

"Just got up. Still waking up. The beerfest thing doesn't start until 3:00, so I thought maybe I'd go try to catch a matinee at the opera. They have one here. And a ballet too, surprisingly."

"Sounds cool. Is it really hot there?"

"I don't know. I haven't been outside yet." I wandered over to the window and pulled the curtain aside. "It looks like it. Everyone is already lining up for the gallery, and they're all wearing tank tops."

"How was the show last night?"

I sighed, without thinking. "It was good. Except for the fact that I knocked myself out."

"What?" she laughed. "How did you manage that?"

I hesitated, not sure if I wanted to tell Katie the whole truth. If I told her about what had really happened, I'd have to admit to her that I had been backstage...and how that had happened, which meant admitting to her that I'd met and made a connection with Taylor. I wasn't sure I was ready to tell her, although I desperately wanted to. I decided to wait, though I hated lying to her.

The lie rolled off my tongue almost too easily, "Oh, I'm an idiot. I was walking into the bathroom when the door opened from the other side and slammed me in the face. I was knocked out cold." I added, "On the positive side, I'm sporting a nice, attractive bruise on the left side of my face. Good thing I brought my stage foundation."

"Oh Palace, why am I not surprised? You're so klutzy."

We chatted for a bit longer and then I let her go, promising her that I'd call her if "anything interesting happened". I sighed as I hung up. I hated lying to her. We had always told each other everything. But for some reason, I didn't want to tell her about Taylor and our "date". I suppose, reflecting about it now, it was shame. Even though I'd convinced myself that I wouldn't let anything happen between Taylor and I, I still felt like agreeing to the date was wrong on principle.

I went online and checked the schedule for the ballet I'd seen earlier. I was in luck, there was a matinee. I took my time getting ready and headed out. A show, a distraction, was just what I needed.

—

The dream had made me restless. I couldn't focus. I couldn't shake this feeling of deja-vu it'd given me. After the show, I stood outside the venue watching the other patrons leave, and thought about how to make sense of how I felt. The show had been good, but had done little to distract me as I'd hoped. All my thoughts came back to Taylor. It had been a reasonably good production of Cinderella, inspired but overproduced, but I'd spent the entire show distracted and restless, fidgeting in my seat, contemplating how to make an early exit. I blamed it on the caffeine, but in all honesty it was the dream. I couldn't get it out of my head. It haunted me. The second the curtain went down, I practically ran out of the theatre.

I was still having serious doubts about our date. The more I thought about it, the more meeting Taylor that night seemed like a really, really bad idea. I still questioned his motives. I knew he was attracted to me, but he genuinely seemed to also be interested in getting to know me, too. I was torn.

I was worried about what could happen, but on the other hand, it felt stupid to cancel an opportunity like this. After all, this was why I'd come to Hanson Day in the first place – to meet the guys and get to know them better...right?

In hindsight, I was deluding myself. I wanted to believe that Taylor and I could be friends, relate as equals, and bond over our shared love of music and art. See, to me, Taylor was beyond a person; he was my idol, my personal God. I admired and worshipped him. I couldn't imagine him doing anything immoral. What I learned later was that putting people up on a pedestal only resulted in disappointment. Taylor taught me that all too well. What I also learned was that trying to ignore your attraction to someone was a recipe for disaster. In the end, sex is stronger than anything. You'll give up anything for it, even if you admit later it wasn't worth it.

Eventually, I wandered over to my car. I leaned on the hood and sighed. I desperately needed a distraction, or I'd drive myself insane obsessing over what may happen tonight. I felt my phone in my pocket. A thought occurred to me: I'd never called Ryan back. I wondered if I did, if he would even answer.

It was probably the dream and the desire to quench the restlessness and horniness it had caused that had been the reason why I called him that day.

Was it a nice thing to do? Probably not. Unfortunately, this was only the first of the bad decisions I was about to make because of Taylor.

\--

Sunday, Week One

Surprisingly, Ryan had answered my call, and even more surprisingly, had agreed to attend the Hop Jam with me. I felt relieved. Maybe he had forgiven me for ditching him the other day.

We met up at Caz's, ate some lunch, and headed to the festival soon after it had started. It was hot. There was fans milling out, and many in line at the MMMhops table. I could see Isaac and Zac behind the table, chatting with fans and selling their beer, but Taylor was nowhere to be seen. That meant for the time being, I could avoid a potentially awkward interaction with him and Ryan.

Ryan and I walked around and tried a couple of the surprisingly large selection of local beers. After a bit, we settled down with a couple more options on a bench a bit away from the steadily growing crowd, in the shade and out of the blinding sun.

"Tulsans – or is it Tulsites? – really love their beer, huh?" I remarked as I sipped my MMMHops.

Ryan nodded, "Tulsans. And I guess so. This is the first time Tulsa's done this, actually. It was Taylor's idea, actually. If there's anything Tay likes, it's music and booze." he laughed, and added, "I'm surprised so many people came out for it." He took a sip of what looked like a cherry cider. "Wow, this is really good. Try it", he said, handing it to me. I took a small sip and nodded. "Wow, yeah it is."

We sat there in silence for a bit, watching the crowd, drinking our beers, unsure of what to say to each other. I wanted to apologize, but wanted to wait for a good time to do so. I saw a group of women following Zac around, asking him for pictures. He looked irritated. He was professional as always, but underneath it all he looked strained, and definitely tired. I wasn't surprised, after last night's show and after party, which I'd heard him and Taylor had hosted and had apparently gotten pretty crazy.

Zac walked past me and I waved. He waved back, smiling and mouthed "Feeling better?". I smiled and nodded. "Good" he mouthed in return. He then ducked behind a Hop Jam banner, behind 3CG. One of the girls following him saw this and scowled at me.

I just shook my head. These fans were something else, weren't they?

Ryan saw me shake my head and asked, "What?"

"Oh, nothing. I'm just continually surprised by some of my fellow fans."

He nodded like he knew exactly what I was referring to. "Yeah. I know what you mean. They're an...interesting bunch. I feel bad for the guys sometimes. They're so invasive. They go their house and stalk them, and say shit about their wives on these creepy blogs...it can get pretty bad. But what are they going to do, you know? These women pay their bills. I'm just glad you're not one of the crazy ones."

If only he knew.

I smiled weakly, "Yeah, me too."

After a while, I realized I was feeling tipsy. I should slow down. I needed to apologize to Ryan. I figured this was as good a time as any, before I got too drunk to remember to do so.

"Hey, uh, Ryan?"

"Hmm?" he responded, lazily turning his head towards me. I realized he was drunk, too.

"I'm sorry for ditching you the other night. And for not calling you back."

"It's okay." He smiled. "I know the allure of Taylor. Most women can't resist. I won't hold it against you."

I found his comment strange, like he meant it literally. I decided to ignore it. "Can we just start over?" I asked.

"Of course." he replied, smiling.

I held up my drink and said, "to new beginnings. And to beer." He held his up as well, and we toasted.

To what, I wasn't sure. But was a good start to making things right with Ryan.

–

By around 7pm, Ryan and I were pretty drunk and feeling mischievous. We'd run out of beer tickets, which was probably a good idea, because if we had drank more, we'd probably both be hugging a toilet the rest of the night. We were having fun, and it proved to be a good distraction.

Hanson were playing a set that night on the newly erected Hop Jam stage. They were on it then, apparently auctioning off a custom guitar. I could hear Taylor up there, lecturing about whatever charity he was currently involved in, to which the money from the raffle for the guitar was going to. After he called the numbers, I heard a girl shriek with delight and then run towards to stage, waving her seemingly endless length of tickets behind her.

I nudged Ryan and asked, "Hey, can we find a bathroom before the show?"

"Totally." He said, looking around. "Want to go to your hotel?"

"Perfect" I mumbled drunkenly, almost dragging him towards it, fighting my way through the crowd.

We entered the hotel together, and while waiting for the elevator, Ryan suddenly turned to me and asked,

"Can I kiss you?"

Too drunk to really give that request any thought, I replied.

"Absolutely."

He did just that. I returned his kiss with fervor. He smelled like cherries. It felt really familiar, but I couldn't place from where.

Right then, mid-kiss, the elevator opened and a woman and three kids stood there.

We broke apart, and hand in hand, and joined her in the elevator.

"What floor?" she asked, distracted by her phone.

"2." I replied and added, "Thank you."

The woman was distracted, but when she looked up at us for the first time, a look of recognition crossed her face.

"Oh, hey Ryan! How are you?" she asked. Ryan looked up at, apparently recognizing her too, replied,

"Oh, hey! Good to see you. Are you headed down to the show?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "The kids had to use the bathroom, so I thought I'd come up here."

"We had the same idea."

The women looked so familiar, but I couldn't place where I knew her from. Being drunk didn't help. I waited for Ryan to introduce me. He didn't. They continued to chat, as I awkwardly stood there beside him. They were clearly good friends. Their interactions were comfortable and familiar. One of the children, an adorable blond child, looked up and smiled at me.

Then I realized; it was Nikki, Isaac's wife.

After a while, I realized we had never gotten to our floor. Ryan and Nikki seemed too preoccupied talking to notice, so I cleared my throat and said,

"Uh, shouldn't we have gotten to our floor by now?"

They both stopped talking and looked at me. Nikki looked slightly irritated. Ryan shrugged. She reached over and pressed the button again. Nothing happened. The elevator was stalled. I pressed the emergency button. Nothing.

Then, we heard a loud, screeching sound, and the lights went out.

"What the fuck?" Nikki said. She sounded scared. The baby started crying.

"Well, guys, it looks like we're stuck in here." I said.


	8. Waiting For This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Palace ditches Ryan to meet Taylor after the Hop Jam.

  
So I don't know what you're waiting for  
But you're trying hard not to show it

—

Sunday, Week One

We heard a loud, screeching sound, and the elevator stopped. Then the lights went out.

"What the fuck?" Nikki swore. She sounded scared. The baby started crying.

"Well, guys, it looks like we're stuck in here." I said.

"What the fuck!?" Nikki repeated, shushing and rocking the baby.

A small light came on. Ryan's cell phone.

"Flashlight app." He grinned, then looked at me with a look that suggested he thought he should get a prize. I just rolled my eyes.

"Great, we have light. But now what?" I remarked.

I could see that Nikki had already took out her phone and had it to her ear. After a moment, she swore again, closed it and shoved it in her bag.

"Surprise! No service." she muttered.

All of us stood there in the light of Ryan's phone, looking at each other helplessly, trying to figure out what to do next. I was the first one to break the silence.

"Well, I guess we wait. It can't be long until someone notices it's not working and goes to tell the front desk, right?"

I could hear the guys warming up on stage, playing the opening chords to "Fired Up." I sighed, hoping this little inconvenience wouldn't cause me to miss any of the show.

Also, there was no way to forget the obvious: I really, really had to use the restroom. I was starting to regret all that beer I'd drank. I squirmed, trying to ignore the urge.

Ryan's phone beeped.

"It's low on battery. Does anyone else have the flashlight app?" he asked. Nikki and I both shook our heads. "Damn" he muttered. Then added, "I don't know how long we'll have light."

We tried making small talk for a while, but Ryan and I were pretty drunk, Nikki was pissed, and the kids were complaining. Eventually, we gave up on the small talk and just sat down, quietly listening to the music being played by the stage and the crowds cheering and clapping.

We had to have been in there for at least an hour before we heard voices outside the elevator. I sat up and immediately starting banging on the door.

"Hey! HEY! We're stuck in here."

A voice from the other side replied, "We're calling for help! Hang tight."

We all reached a collective sigh.

"Thank God," Nikki said, smiling a small, relieved smile. Her son, the middle of the three said, for around the fifth time,

"Mommy, I have to go potty."

"I know, sweetheart. Can you hold it just a bit more? We're almost there." Her oldest one rolled his eyes and remarked,

"Mom, this is the longest elevator EVER." Despite how stressed and hot we were, we couldn't help but laugh at that.

We heard a clanking noise, then we were moving again. Soon the doors opened and we appeared to be back at the first floor. Two repair men, and what looked like the hotel manager were standing there.

"Thank God! Freedom!" Ryan exclaimed.

"Are you okay?" the manager asked, concerned. He helped usher us quickly got out of the elevator. "I am so sorry." he added.

"We're fine" I assured him, helping Nikki usher her kids towards the bathroom, "but these kids need to get to the restroom ASAP" I smiled as we walked away.

As Nikki was about to shut to door to the restroom, she turned to me and thanked me for helping her get them into the restroom.

"No problem" I smiled. "Your kids are adorable." After a bit of hesitation I added, "You're very lucky."

"Thanks" she replied. She gave me a small smile and ducked into the restroom.

—

After the whole elevator fiasco, Ryan and I were eager to get back outside. I didn't want to miss any more of Hanson's set. We rushed up to my room, used the restroom, and hurried back outside. We shouldered our way up to the front, and enjoyed the rest of the show. Well, rather he enjoyed it – rather, I tried to enjoy it. I tried not to look at Taylor, and we didn't meet eyes during the show, but I knew he was aware of my presence. He kept giving me sidelong glances. I felt his gaze on me like a laser. I tried to sing along as I normally would, to lose myself in the songs that I loved so much, but it was impossible. All my thoughts went back to the date I'd made with him that night. I was terrified and seriously considering standing him up.

By the time the show was over, my nerves were shot and I was a wreck. I was terrified and considering just going back to my hotel with Ryan instead of meeting Taylor.

Before the final bow was even done I started making my way through the crowd, dragging Ryan behind me. I knew Taylor would come look for me, and I wanted to avoid him. As I was making my way through the crowd I saw Taylor stepping down the side of the stage. He saw me and we made eye contact. I stopped dead in my tracks. Shit, he had seen me. A girl ran into me. She shoved me as she passed me, but I didn't care. I looked back, and Ryan had let go of my hand and was chatting with a woman. I looked back at Taylor then back at Ryan, then back to Taylor again. I felt that same feeling again that I had when I met Taylor at the party – like the world had stopped and there was no one else around but us two. Sounds seemed to lower. It was only a second – I doubt anyone saw it – but the look he gave me was so full of emotion - lust, pain, despair – it almost knocked me off my feet. I have never since been eye-fucked so intensely. I felt my heart jump. His eyes ignited the lust I had for him in my bones. He looked so hot. I clenched my legs together and gritted my teeth. I mentally reminded myself to keep it together. Then, Ryan came up behind me, hand on my shoulder, and asked,

"You okay, Palace?"

Taylor mouthed "ten minutes" then abruptly walked away. I shook my head, maybe too violently, and turned toward Ryan. I smiled and hoped it didn't look too forced. He hadn't seen Taylor looking at me. Or if he had seen, he didn't mention it.

Then I made the decision I'd regret later.

"Ryan...I'm not feeling too good. Do you mind if I retire for the night?" I smiled apologetically.

He looked disappointed but nodded, "Of course! Are you okay?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just need to lay down I think. I drank too much."

"Do you want me to walk you to your room?" He asked.

I shook my head. "I'm fine" I insisted. I smiled and gave him a kiss. "I'll be fine. Call me tomorrow?"

"Definitely." He replied.

And with that, I let go of his hand and walked – actually, more like ran – to 3CG.


	9. Don't Wanna Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a conversation with Zac, Palace decides to not meet Taylor and go back to get hotel room alone instead.

Just like a wild fire  
I wanna touch the sparks  
But I'm safer in the dark  
I'm scared to see what happens  
If we let it go too far

—

Sunday Week One

I dodged what felt like an endless stream of fans as I ran. I don't know why I ran. I was drunk and maybe I thought it would sober me up. It wasn't a long run, only a block, but nevertheless I found myself winded when I arrived at the studio. I must have been more out of shape than I thought. I made a mental note to cut down on my cigarette consumption, then laughed to myself as I admitted that'd probably never happen.

I cut through the divide and walked in the alley behind 3CG, breathing heavily. I spotted an empty milk crate next to a dumpster and sat down on it. I leaned over and tried to catch my breath. I checked my watch. It was 8:10pm. I was terrified. A part of my still hoped Taylor would stand me up. But then another part of me was buzzing at the opportunity I had been given. I told myself it'd be stupid if I didn't hang around to see where this could lead.

After taking a couple minutes to catch my breath, I stood up and leaned back against the brick wall of the studio. I shakily lit a cigarette, hoping it would help calm my nerves. I sat in silence smoking my cigarette for a while, waiting for Taylor. Soon a noise snapped me out of my own head and back to reality.

I strained my ears and identified the noise as people talking around the alley. I couldn't make out their voices, but they sounded male. For some reason, I felt compelled to stand up, walk over and listen in.

Trust me, I soon wished I hadn't.

As I got closer, I recognized the voices right away: Taylor and Zac. They sounded like they were having a heated argument. I could only catch bits and pieces of their conversation, due to the loud music being piped out of the speakers in the fenced-off Hop Jam area, but what I heard wasn't good.

"...Zac, this isn't your concern. Really. Go home. Be with Kate and the kids. Stop policing my life...and stop fucking judging me."

"Tay! Seriously? Do you know how fucking sick I am of covering for you?...I mean, what the fuck, dude? Are you ever going to stop this shit? What the fuck am I supposed to say to Natalie when..."

Oh my God, I thought. I knew it in my gut they were talking about me. As the conversation escalated, it sounded more and more like they were arguing about Taylor's cheating...in general. I wished to God I hadn't eavesdropped. I did not want to know this.

I snuffed out my cigarette, and turned on my heel quickly, wanting to get as far away from this conversation as possible. I sat back down on the milk crate and tried to figure out a way to bail without being seen. Due to the fences that had been erected for the Hop Jam, I couldn't get around to the street without having to walk right past them. I was stuck. Turns out, I didn't have much time to decide what to do next, because at that moment Zac's dog came barreling around the corner of the studio, and almost knocked me over in his excitement to lick my face. Zac came running over and grabbed his leash, easily dragging the dog off me.

"Palace! I am soooo sorry....Lightning gets excited sometimes."

I laughed, sat up, and wiped the dog's spit off my cheek.

"Hey Zac. It's okay." I said. We stood there awkwardly. Zac seemed like he was deciding what to say next. I smoked my ciggarette and stared at the ground, embarrassed at what I'd heard, and wondering what Zac thought about me agreeing to a date with Taylor. He broke the silence first.

"Palace..." his voice trailed off. He shoved his hands in his pockets awkwardly, and glanced down at the ground. He took a deep breath. I could tell he was concerned and wanted to choose his words carefully. "Don't do it. Trust me, you'll regret it." He said finally, looking up finally and meeting my eyes.

Being a Taylor girl, it's still a bit unnerving making eye contact with Zac. He is so gorgeous it's disarming.

Trying to play cool, I feigned confusion. "What are you talking about, Zac?"

He signed and continued, "Palace...this is what Taylor does. He's been doing it for years. He'll break your heart. I can't watch that happen to you. Please. Leave now."

"Zac...It's just a friend date. We're just going to hang out."

Zac smiled sadly and said, "Palace, do you know how many girls have told me that? Trust me. Taylor has intentions."

I frowned. I didn't say anything for a moment. "What if I have intentions, too? What if I break his heart?" I asked. Why was Zac assuming I wouldn't? I wasn't a little, clueless girl who was going to let anyone use or victimize me. I was a heartbreaker. I knew this. I had been told by many guys. It irritated me that Zac automatically thought that, if anything happened between Taylor and I, that I'd be the one who would get hurt.

Zac sighed. "Fine, Okay. Just don't do it, please. Taylor has a lot to lose. Just walk away. Please."

I was at a loss for words. I studied Zac's face. He was serious. What was I getting myself into? I should listen to Zac. I knew I should. He was trying to prevent me from getting hurt, and his brother from making a mistake. I felt so conflicted. I wanted to listen to Zac, but also wanted to hang out with Taylor.

"Please, Palace. Walk away."

All the sudden it hit me. I shook my head, as the cloud of alcohol wore off. All the sudden I was dead sober. I was making a big mistake. This wasn't who I was. I didn't lead on married men. No. I didn't and I wouldn't.

"Okay." I said simply, quietly.

Zac smiled. "That's my girl." He hugged me. "The back door is open", he said, motioning to the back door of the studio. "You can cut through into the street. But you'll have to go through the store."

I smiled at him thankfully. "Thank you." I said. But, as I was turning to open the door, Taylor emerged from behind the corner. I turned and our eyes met. I froze and my heart jumped. I felt the sensation of falling. I gripped the door knob tighter.

"Palace? You came!" he said. He then noticed my hand on the door. "Where are you going?" he asked suspiciously. He looked at Zac and then back at me. His smile faded and anger clouded his features.

"What did you say to her, Zac?" he asked, looking over at his younger brother. He sounded very, very angry.

Zac shrugged. "Nothing, man. She just decided she had better things to do than be your latest bad choice."

Whoa, I thought. The animosity between these two was so thick you could have cut it with a knife.

Taylor looked back at me and said carefully, holding his hand out, "Palace? Don't leave. Come on. I have a car waiting. Let's go."

I stared at him for a moment, and then back to Zac. Then, with great effort, I turned the knob and stepped into the door. I shut it and leaned against. I took a deep, shaky breath. I closed my eyes. I could still see Taylor's eyes burning into me. I could feel a heat rising in my stomach.

"'Bye, Tay."

I said it so quietly I doubt either men heard it. I stood against the door for a moment, listening to them fight.

Than I ran back to my hotel.


	10. Wildest Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Palace has an argument with Ryan. Taylor shows up and they have a conversation.

He said let's get out of this town  
Drive out of the city  
Away from the crowds  
I thought "heaven can't help me now"  
Nothing lasts forever  
But this is gonna take me down

—

Sunday, Week One

I ran. Faster than I've ever run. My heart was pounding so hard. I could hear Taylor's voice in my head as I ran, like an echo of what could have been.

"Palace? Don't leave. Come on. I have a car waiting. Let's go."

I rushed up to my hotel room, hastily keyed myself in, and closed the door tight. I promptly collapsed into my bed, breathing heavily. I stared at the ceiling. I was disgusted with myself for what I had almost done. I desperately wanted to tell someone what was going on, but I didn't know who that person could be. I didn't even want to admit to myself what I had almost done - what I still wanted to do - much less admit it to anyone else.

I felt antsy. My head was spinning. I couldn't sit still. I paced the length of my room, thoughts spinning through my head. I had to tell someone. I had too.

In hindsight, it probably wasn't the greatest idea to call Ryan, but at the time, with the alcohol impairing my judgement, it seemed like the best idea I could come up with.

I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and dialed his number. He answered after two rings.

"Palace! Hey! Feeling better?" Hearing his voice, I felt instantly calmer. I don't know why really, but talking to Ryan made me feel safe and comfortable.

"Hey, Ryan." I grabbed a couple small bottles of vodka from the mini fridge and sat down at the desk, putting the phone on speaker and setting it down. I took a swig from one of the bottles, took a deep breath, and instantly felt calmer.

"What's wrong?" He asked immediately. He must have heard the panic in my voice.

I hesitated for a moment before saying, "Ryan, do you believe in gray areas? Like, good and bad or good and evil? Do you believe that good people can do bad things and that bad people can do good things? That, you know...people are complicated and that we're all incredibly flawed and that - "

"Hey, hey! Slow down!" Ryan laughed, interrupting me. I was glad he had. I was rambling, which was never a good look on me.

"Sorry" I mumbled, taking another swig of my tiny vodka bottle. I finished it off and started on the second one.

"What's this about?" He asked. "Are you okay? You sound drunker. Do you want me to come over? I could easily. I'm just over at Zac's, hanging out with Kate, keeping her company until he gets home."

At the sound of Zac's name, my stomach dropped and I felt like I may throw up. I put my head between my legs and took a deep breath.

"No, don't. I mean, thanks for offering, but I'm fine. About to go to bed actually. I was just hoping we could...talk for a bit?"

"Of course." He said, then added, "Here, wait a sec. Let me go somewhere more private...one sec." I could hear him saying something to Kate, her muffled reply, a door slam, then he was back on. "Okay, I went outside. What's up? Fess up, girl. You sound really upset."

What was up? How could I even explain what had happened? This whole thing felt both like a dream and a nightmare.

After some contemplation I decided to just go ahead and say it.

"Ryan, I agreed to a date with Taylor."

There was no sound on the other line for a moment.

"Palace...that is so not a good idea."

"I know, " I sighed. "But, I don't know, I wanted to see what would happen, you know? I told myself, if he came on to me, I could just laugh it off, but then I got scared, worried I couldn't...anyway, I chickened out at the last minute."

"So, that's why you blew me off tonight, then?" he said. There was a pause. "I knew it...I knew you weren't sick. You went to meet Taylor, didn't you?" He sounded angry.

Fuck, I thought. Fuck.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. but I didn't go with him! Zac talked me out of it."

Ryan chuckled, but his voice sounded bitter. "Yeah? Good. Zac is good at talking sense into people. He's got that touch."

Neither of us said anything for a moment. I felt really stupid.

"Ryan...I'm sorry. I'm a fucking moron."

"Yeah, you are." He said, then added, "Why are you even telling me this?"

I realized I didn't know. "I don't know...I just needed someone to talk to about it. I feel so fucking shitty."

"What? So you thought you'd call the guy who's into you and tell him about how you want to fuck his friend who's married? Jesus." I could tell he was really angry now. Instead of making me feel better as I'd hoped, I now felt worse.

"Ryan, I'm sorry. You're right. I should have called someone else."

"Yeah, you should have. Look, I'm going to get back to Kate.' 'Night." And with that, he hung up.

I stared at the phone on the desk.

"Fuck!" I yelled, slamming my hand hard on the desk. My hand stung. I cringed, cradling it in my lap.

I'd really fucked up with Ryan this time. I wasn't sure he'd forgive me, or even if he should.

—

As the night wore on, I sat in the chair near the window, drinking what was left of the tiny liquor bottles, lost in my own thoughts.

I tried not to think about Taylor. But the drunker I got, the harder that became. Despite desperately trying to think of something...anything else, my mind kept coming back to him. I couldn't believe how much I wanted him. I felt completely helpless to my own desires. My mind felt at war with my body. I knew it was wrong and fucked up and terrible to even think about accepting his advances, yet...I wanted to so badly.

I had been attracted to Taylor since the first moment I saw him. He was my first crush. He was the man I compared all others too. He, to me, was perfect. When I fucked other guys, sometimes I thought about Taylor. I masturbated to Hanson songs he sang lead on. Everything about him turned me on. Seeing him in person only made the longing worse. It didn't satisfy me as I hoped it would. Maybe that's why - beyond the music, of course - I kept going to Hanson shows. I was trying to satiate a need in me I had to see him...to simply be in his presence. Meeting him this weekend felt like lightning in a bottle. I couldn't believe it had happened, yet it had. It felt like a sign. It was impossible, yet it had happened. I still believed I'd wake up and this would all be a dream.

Knowing that he wanted me too made me want him more than ever. It took every ounce of my strength to walk away from Taylor as I had. As disgusted as I was with myself, I was equally as proud for having so much self control. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd ever be in a situation where I would actually had a chance of making it with him, much less an opportunity to turn him down.

Suddenly, it occurred to me how horny I was. Maybe I should call Ryan back. I groaned. No. That was not a good idea. What was I going to do? I thought. It's not like I could call one of my booty calls. I walked to the bathroom and drank a glass of water. I was definitely drunk. I shouldn't have drank so much. I drank when I was nervous or trying to keep my mind of something. This was definitely one of those times which called for alcohol.

I decided to turn the lights off and lay in bed. The room wasn't quite spinning, but it was blurry. I had drank way too much. I groaned, thinking about how bad my hangover tomorrow would be.

I was dozing off when a loud knock jolted me awake. I bolted up in bed.

"What the fuck?" I mumbled. Another knock. Who the hell could that be? I checked my watch; it was 2:30am. I shook my head, and walked over to the door.

"Who is it?" I asked hesitantly. For a moment, I thought it may be Ryan, but when I looked into the peephole I saw someone I never imagined would be at my hotel room door. Ever.

It was Taylor. No mistaking it.

Holy fuck, I thought. No, no, no. NO. He could not do this to me right now.

My stomach flip-flopped so violently, I thought for a moment I may throw up. My legs almost gave way under me. I had to steady myself on the wall.

Another knock. "Palace?" Taylor whispered. Can you open the door? Please? Now?" He sounded nervous. A million thoughts raced through my head at that moment. What if I just didn't let him in? What if I just ran into the bathroom and pretended this wasn't happening? What if I told him to go away? Would he? What if I let him in? What would happen?

I took a long, deep breath and opened the door.

He stood facing me. He looked nervous, but smiled when he saw me.

"Hey, Palace. Listen...we need to talk. Can I come in?"

I just stood there, holding the door open, gaping at him, unsure of what to say.

"Uh, Palace...you okay? Can I please come in? Please? I think someone may have already seen me." He sounded worried. I didn't move. After taking a nervous look down the hallway, he stepped in past me, and closed the door softly behind him.

I was a nervous wreck. Taylor, however, appeared at ease. The casual confidence he exuded both put me off and turned me on. He assumed he was welcome in my room, and well, he was right. As nervous as I was, I couldn't turn him away, and he knew it. Running away hadn't solved anything. Here he was anyway.

He removed his bag and coat, hanging the later on the coat rack near the door. He then took a bottle out of his bag and handed it to me. "For you" he said, smiling and handing it to me. "Do you like cherry whiskey?" he asked. I nodded numbly and mumbled "Of course."

I was grateful for the bottle. It gave me an excuse to flee to the kitchen and get my wits in check. I didn't know whether to throw up from fear or jump up and down with joy.

Taylor was here, with me, in my hotel room. We were alone. The concept almost seemed to good to be true. I quickly opened the bottle and poured myself a double and took a sip. It was nice whiskey. Smoky and rich, it went down smooth, ending with just a bit of a dark cherry finish. This could be dangerous. I mentally vowed to go easy with it, which may prove difficult considering how nervous I was. I drank when I was nervous. But, well, you knew that already.

All the sudden I had a strong sense of deja vu. I thought hard but couldn't place where it was from. I tried to shake it off. I leaned on the counter and took a deep breath. I looked down at my hands and noticed they were shaking. Soon I heard his voice behind me.

"Palace? You okay?"

"Yes." I replied, trying to act as cool as possible. He walked towards me and leaned on the counter beside me. "Can I get a shot?" He asked. I nodded and poured him one. As I handed it to him, or fingers touched, sending a tiny spark that travelled all the way up my arm. I withdrew my hand and shakily shoved it in my back pocket.

"I guess it's that humidity again, huh?" he winked, taking his shot.

"Yeah, I guess." I mumbled, taking another shot. I continued to brace myself on the counter, facing away from him. I could feel his stare on me. It felt like being studied by a hungry wolf. We stood in silence for a while. My heart was beating so fast I was scared he could hear it. We broke the silence at the same time, interrupting each other.

"Palace, I'm sorry, but I-"

"Taylor, what are you doing-"

We both laughed and stopped.

"You first" I said. I felt a tiny bit more relaxed. That fumble had broken the ice. A bit. Taylor's intense gaze focused on mine. Oh, boy. Here it came.

"Palace, I'm sorry to just bust in on you like this, but I couldn't let you leave like that...after hearing what you heard. I had to explain. It's not as simple as Zac put it." My brow furrowed in confusion.

"What do you mean, 'it's not that 'simple?'" I asked, turning towards him, eyes narrowed. What was he implying? That he wasn't actually married? Because we all knew he was.

"You're married, Taylor. It is that "simple." My anger had given me courage to face him without feeling like I may fall apart - or worse, fall into him. My face was a steel mask. I wanted to show him I was serious. I wasn't going to allow him to seduce me. Nope. Taylor sighed.

"Just let me explain."

"Whatever", I said, pouring myself another shot. "The mic's all yours." I walked past him and sat down on the couch in the living room area of my room. I patted the seat next to me. He just stood there.

"Well?" I asked, rather icily. I was very drunk at this point. The alcohol had given me a restraint I didn't think I was capable of around Taylor, as well as a courage I didn't think I had to challenge him. He walked over and sat down next to me.

"Palace, I'm just going to go out and say it. Nat and I haven't been "together" in a long time. We live together for the kids, but we sleep in separate rooms. We have an arrangement. I can see whomever I want as long as I'm discreet about it."

Uh, what? I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"An 'arrangement?'" I asked. I took a good, long drink of the whiskey. "And her? Does she see other men?"

"I don't know," Taylor replied, and added "and frankly, I don't really give a shit." I raised my eyebrows.

"Them's fighting words." I said, taking a sip of my whiskey and raising my brow. He just shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."

Could he be telling the truth? Could he and Natalie really be separated? Or was he lying to get in my pants? I wanted to believe him so badly, but something felt off. I decided to delve deeper. I needed more information.

"When did this start?" I asked.

"About five years ago."

"Wow", I whistled. "I'm surprised it hasn't come out yet. The fans would have a field day."

"I know." he said, "but like I said, we've been very careful to keep it discreet."

"Why can't you just get divorced? You can still raise the kids together. Co-parent?" At this, Taylor sighed.

"I wish. I've tried. She won't divorce me."

"Why not?" I asked, genuinely curious. "If she knows you cheat."

"I think because that'd be giving me what I want." I sat back heavily, digesting this information.

"Huh. Sounds like a terrible situation." I finally said. He shrugged.

"It is what it is."

I couldn't deal with this. "I'll be right back. Restroom." I said.

I walked into the relative safety of the bathroom. I closed it and leaned against the cool door. I stared at myself in the mirror. I wanted so badly to believe him. I wanted him so badly I wasn't sure I'd be able to control myself if he stayed any longer. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and imagined what he'd look like naked. What he'd taste like. What he'd feel like inside me. I wondered if it'd be worth it. I wondered if my uncommon high high sex drive, coupled with being drunk, was responsible for what was causing me to feel so incredibly attracted to him...or of it was just him entirely.

I remember the moment in stark detail when I made the decision to give in and believe him. It haunts me. I was going to fuck Taylor Hanson, I remember thinking. I'm going to do it, because if I don't I'll regret not doing so forever. So I did. I wish almost everyday I hadn't. That instead, I'd asked him to leave. But that's not what happened. Instead, I gave in because I was weak.

The truth was I didn't believe him. I knew he was lying. I just didn't care.

I walked out the bathroom. "Stand up." I demanded.

"Uh, what?" He asked, confused, setting his drink down and doing as I'd asked.

"I want you," I said simply, then added "now." My body felt like fire, my heart like stone. "You want me? Take me." His eyes narrowed and he smiled.

"Yeah?" He didn't waste a second. He grabbed his face and kissed me hard, shoving his tongue in my mouth.

"I want you so fucking badly" he mumbled into my mouth. Then pure lust took us both over. Our bodies took over, and our good sense lost. His hands snaked around me, grabbing my ass hard, his lips on my throat. He smelled like heaven, and tasted like ash and whiskey. I moaned. We weren't wasting any time. We practically ripped each others clothes off. I heard fabric ripping but nether of us cared.

"You taste like cherries" he mumbled. He broke our kiss for a moment to mutter, "God, you're gorgeous." and to give my body a good, long appreciative look as he backed me up against the kitchen counter. We continued to passionately kiss as his hands roamed my body. Soon, his hand found its way down to the place I wanted it the most. I literally gasped at how good it felt. He smiled.

"Someone's mighty horny" he purred in my ear, tonguing my lobe as he rubbed small circles around my clit with his thumb while simultaneously fingering me with two fingers. It didn't take much of this before I was feeling that rising heat that comes before orgasm.

"Oh my God," I mumbled, "I am going to come so fast if you don't stop."

"Well, we wouldn't want that, would we? We've only just started."

He then brought his fingers up and licked them one by one. Holy fuck, he was hot. Now it was my turn to shove him against the opposite countertop. I immediately kneeled before him. I took a long look at his cock. It was honestly the best-looking one I'd ever seen. I took it in my mouth, and swirling my tongue around the tip, I looked up at him for instructions.

"Oh yeah, baby, that's good." He mumbled, holding my hair back. Sooner than I'd have liked, he pulled me up.

"Why'd you make me stop?" I pouted.

"Because I can't wait to taste you." He said.

"Hell yeah." I giggled.

"Close your eyes" he whispered. I don't know why, but I did. And with that, he lifted me up onto the counter, spread my legs, and went down on me. I bit my lip and gripped the counter. OH FUCK.

"Yeah, you like that don't you? Are you a dirty little slut? Do you need to be punished?" I was pleasantly surprised. I loved dirty talk and liked it a bit more than rough. Never did I think that Taylor would be into that as well.

It seemed too good to be true-emotional and sexual chemistry...almost unheard of. I bit my lip so hard it bled to keep from coming, but I couldn't help it. I came in record time so hard I literally saw stars. I collapsed against the wall, breathing heavily, trying to prevent myself from falling off the counter as my legs were shaking so hard. Taylor chuckled and stood up.

"Nice one, baby. You ready for more?" He then grabbed my hips, pulled me down, and flipped me around. He slapped each of my ass cheeks, spread my legs, and fucked me better and harder than I'd ever been fucked in my life.

We'd crossed a line. That night was the beginning of the end.


	11. On and On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After finding a note from Taylor, Palace decides to stay another night in Tulsa. Palace goes out for coffee and runs into Isaac who invites her to his party.

Every hair, every part  
Every stop, every start  
I can't quit you

\--

I woke up the next morning naked and with the worst hangover I had ever had in my entire life. I lay in bed for a few minutes, unbelieving of how much my head hurt.

"Holy fuck..." I muttered as I saw what time it was: 1:00pm. Wow. I'd sure slept late. The drapes were shut, but I could see it was a sunny day outside. It was incredibly hot in my room. I must have forgotten to turn the air conditioning on before I passed out. I had to check-out in an hour. I struggled to get out of bed. I looked around and noticed my pillows, blankets and sheets along with all my clothes I had been wearing yesterday were strewn around the room. I smiled thinking about last night, then cringed at how much worse it made my head hurt.

I padded slowly toward the bathroom, turning on the air as I went. I turned on the bathroom light and, squinting while my eyes adjusted to the light, took a good look at myself in the mirror. I looked how I felt: terrible. I quickly chugged a glass of water along with two Advil's and got into the shower. I stayed in there a while, feeling the cool water on my body as I thought about last night, and everything that had happened this last weekend.

I felt like it had been both the worst and the best weekend of my life. I felt so conflicted regarding what had happened. On one hand, I felt like I was walking on clouds having just experienced the best sex of my life with whom I believed to be the sexist man alive. But I also felt guilty that I'd given in to his advances, when I knew it was wrong to.

I had planned to leave that evening, and in a way I was looking forward to doing so. I wanted to stay and explore what was happening with me and Taylor, but I also admitted that leaving was the best idea. I knew this could only end badly. This weekend would be one of the best memories of my life, and I knew I was lucky. Many fans, if they knew, would be incredibly jealous. I told myself that even if I wanted to see Taylor again, I had no way to contact him, and that besides, he wouldn't be interested in seeing me again anyway. All the attention he'd paid to me, I also told myself, was just an elaborate game to get into my pants. And, well, he'd succeeded.

I left the shower feeling slightly better, having convinced myself that leaving was best. I made myself a strong cup of coffee, and sat down at the table to check my messages, kind of hoping there was one from Ryan. I swiped my phone open and pulled them up. I was right. The first one was from Ryan:

_Ryan: (3:01AM) - Palace? You okay? I'm sorry about hanging up on you. You're probably asleep by now...but I just wanted to apologize in person. Lunch tomorrow? On me? Give me a call._

I read over it and sighed. I didn't feel like I deserved his apology. I'd acted like an insensitive ass, and I deserved to be told off. But instead, he was offering to buy me lunch? I shook my head and smiled. Ryan really was a unicorn. I wished there were more men like him.

My flight didn't leave until 11PM. I have more than enough time to meet him for lunch, I told myself. I could just check-out and leave my bags at the front desk and return for them later. That way I'd have an opportunity to apologize to him in person, too. He deserved it. Ryan had been nothing short of great to me.

Having decided to leave, I did my makeup, which did a lot to brighten my hung-over face. I then curled my bangs and pulled my hair into a quick high ponytail as usual, my go-to style most days. My long, black hair wasn't doing so well in the humidity, I needed to pull it back. I scrutinized myself in the mirror. Something was missing. I added a leopard-print scarf for some flair. Satisfied, I then moved on to dressing myself. I decided on the same pair of pink, high-waisted shorts I'd worn yesterday, which still looked pretty clean, and paired it with a white halter top. I slipped on a leopard-print bracelet and pair of white platform sandals to complete the look.

As I was rummaging through my bed looking for any last-minute items I may have missed, I noticed a small piece of paper sticking out from beneath a pillow. I picked it up, wondering what it was. It was a sheet off the hotel note pad. It said:

_Palace,_

_Last night was incredible. Please don't go._

_We'll talk tonight. I'll find you._

_Tay_

I felt my stomach drop, then got excited. I re-read it, then carefully put it down on the bed.

"Oh, man..." I muttered. This was not what I had expected. I figured this would be a one-night stand, nothing more. That Taylor was just "using" me as he had done to many fans, as Zac had said. But instead, Taylor was asking me to stay. I thought this meant that he must be really interested in me.

Ashamed as I am to admit it now, that's all I needed to throw all reason out the window...was for him to ask me to stay. I quickly dialed the front desk.

"Good afternoon, Ms. Kennedy. How can I help you?"

"Uh, yeah. Hi. My plans have changed. Would it be possible to stay another night? Uh, in this same room?" I asked.

"Let me check if it's booked." She replied. I heard her typing, then "yes, you can. The room is available. I'll add one more night at the current rate to your bill. Check-out will be 2:00pm tomorrow. Will that be all, Ms. Kennedy?"

"Uh, yes, thank you." I mumbled, hanging up the phone.

Before I could change my mind, I grabbed my purse and headed out the door to meet Ryan. I decided to walk, since the restaurant wasn't far from my hotel. Now that the fans were gone, downtown Tulsa had a very different atmosphere. Locals were casually milling about. There were no lines, or fans giving me dirty looks. It was nice. I passed a coffee shop on my way - which coincidentally, happened to be across the street from 3CG - and decided to drop in and grab a coffee. My hangover had improved with the Advil, but was still brutal, and I figured some caffeine - preferably of the iced variety - might help.

Of course it was impossible to visit anywhere in downtown Tulsa and not run into a Hanson. Isaac turned out to be in line in front of me. He was accompanied by his two sons. I wasn't sure he'd recognize me, so I didn't say anything. But as he turned around to leave, he did just that.

"Oh, hey! You're the girl who Zac knocked out backstage on Saturday." He said, giving me a warm hug. I was impressed he'd recognized me. He looked great. Tan, hair slicked back, and sporting a dapper suit and tie. I wondered where he was headed in that outfit, or if he always dressed like that. I guessed it was the later.

"I'm so sorry, I don't remember your name, though." He said, smiling and looking a bit sheepish.

"Palace, and it's okay." I replied, smiling back. Isaac was such a nice guy. It was a pleasure seeing him again.

"And who are these two strapping boys?" I asked, smiling down at his kids, even though I already knew their names. I'll admit, I just wanted him to introduce me.

"Monroe and Everett." He replied. Monroe waved at me shyly, but Everett, clearly the more out-going of the two, put out his hand and shook mine briskly. "Pleased to meet you, lady!" He said. I smiled.

"Pleased to meet you too! And so polite." I added, impressed, winking at Isaac.

"Oh, how's your eye?" He asked, giving me a good look.

I laughed, "Oh, it's fine!" I replied, grabbing my coffee from the counter and thanking the barista. He grabbed his as well, and the two of us walked out together, the kids trailing behind us. We stood outside for a moment together, admiring the nice weather. Issac's phone chirped. He quickly looked at it, then said,

"Hey, it was good running into you, Palace! I gotta jet. The kids have a class, and it's daddy's turn to drive." At mention of "class", Everett piped up with,

"Karate! I'm already a pink belt! See, look!" then demonstrated a move for me. I laughed.

"That's pretty good, kiddo! Before you know it, you'll be as good as Bruce Lee."

"Who's Bruce Lee?" He asked.

"A famous martial artist and actor. He's from Seattle, actually. Which isn't far from where I live in Portland. Have you ever seen one his movies?"

"Yeah, " he said, staring at something across the street, clearly already disinterested in our conversation. I smiled and focused back up on Isaac.

"Yeah! It was great running into you too. And nice to meet you two as well." I said, glancing down at Monroe and Everett, who didn't notice, having appeared to be in a heated debate over who was "as good" as Bruce Lee. Isaac and I hugged.

"Oh Hey! I just remembered." Isaac said, "Are you in town tonight? Nik and I are having a party tonight. Sort of a coming-home thing for a friend of hers who just moved back to town. You're welcome to come if you'd like."

I nodded. "I am, and I'd love to." I watched him walk away, get into his car and drive away. Monroe waved at me as they drove off. I waved back. Cute kids, I thought.

As I walked away, I couldn't help but wonder if the party invitation hadn't been orchestrated by Taylor. It was almost too good of a coincidence that Isaac happened to be having a party the same night I had planned to leave town. A party, which I assumed, Taylor would be attending. But it didn't seem like Isaac had any idea about Taylor and I. Something made me think that Zac was the only one who knew about Taylor's indiscretions. I was lost in thought as I strolled to Caz's where Ryan had suggested we meet for lunch.

I opened the door to reveal none other than Zac and his wife Kate heading out. Zac recognized me right away.

Shit. Just my luck, I thought.

"Hi, Palace!" He said, flashing me a huge smile.

I just stood there blocking the doorway, and stared blankly at Zac, unbelieving of the coincidence after just after running into Isaac. What was the chance I'd immediately run into Zac as well? It really was impossible to avoid Hanson in Tulsa, it seemed.

Zac's smile faded. "Palace, you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine...sorry, uh...how are you?" I asked, trying to sound casual.

"I'm great!" Zac replied, then added "we saw you talking to Ike earlier. Did he invite you to Nik's little shindig tonight?"

It was so strange. It was like the Hanson's had already accepted me into their lives and I was now a friend, not a fan. It felt surreal.

"Uh, yeah he did." I answered, smiling. "I'm excited."

He gave me a hug. "Well, we'll see you there, then." He then turned to Kate and said, "Oh, sorry I didn't introduce you two! This is my wife, Kate." As if I didn't already know, I thought, amused. "Kate, this is Palace." Kate shook my hand and gave me a sincere smile. She was much prettier in person, tiny and petite with long, brown hair. I'd always heard she was a bitch to fans. I guess you should never believe what you read.

"Palace, right! You're the one Zac knocked out at the show. He felt so bad about that!"

"Yep, that's me." I replied, embarrassed, shoving my hands in my pockets and blushing slightly.

Great, I thought. I will forever be known as the Girl Zac Knocked Out. Yippee.

"Well, we gotta jet, you meeting someone here?" Zac asked, as we all moved to the side to allow a family to exit the door we'd been blocking.

"Yeah. Ryan, actually."

"Ah, cool! I didn't see him in there. Bring him along tonight! Well, later gator!" He said with a wink.

"It was great meeting you!" Kate said as they walked off.

I watched them walk to their car. Zac said something which made Kate laugh, and she play-punched him in the shoulder. He clutched his chest and feigned defat. I smiled. They really were an adorable couple, I thought to myself as I walked through the door.

I scanned the room and saw Ryan sitting at a small table near a window. He appeared to be on the phone. I walked over and sat down across from him.

He looked at me and winked. "Yeah, Ike, I'll be there for sure. But hey, my date just got here, so I'll see you tonight." He hung up and put the phone down.

"Hey Palace!" He asked, smiling warmly. "How are you?"

Sitting across from Ryan, I felt instantly at ease. I took him in. I noticed he was dressed a bit differently than usual. Instead of his usual plaid, Levi blue jeans and cowboy boots, instead he was sporting a vintage bowling shirt, black cuffed jeans, and black work boots. He'd even styled his hair into a pompadour. He looked good. The look fit him.

"I like your outfit." I said, taking a drink of my water. "Where'd you get that shirt?"

"This little vintage hole out in Oklahoma City."

"I really like it."

"Yeah, well, I know you like the rockabilly look.... It's my thinly veiled attempt at winning you over." He was smiling playfully, but I knew he was serious. I sighed.

"Ryan...I'm not a prize to be "won" over."

"I know." He replied, "but a guy can try right?"

There was a moment of silence for a bit as we sipped our water, both thinking about how we were going to apologize. Ryan spoke up first.

"I'm really sorry, Palace. For last night. I was a dick. I shouldn't have hung up on you."

"No way. I deserved it. I acted like an asshole."

He laughed. "Okay, well, a bit."

Right then, our waitress arrived. I hadn't realized how hungry I was. Without thinking, I ordered the same dish I'd had last time: fried catfish with garlic mashed potatoes and collard greens. Ryan ordered braised shrimp with collard greens as well. We both ordered a drink as well.

While we were waiting for our drinks to arrive, we chatted. Ryan seemed to have completely let go of any animosity towards me he may have had. He was sweet and flirty. I was reminded why I liked him so much. He told me about his new band, a country-western outfit, and about how they were doing really good and planning a mini-tour across Arizona, Texas and California. I remember feeling proud of him. But despite the nice time I was having with Ryan, I couldn't stop thinking about Taylor. What did he mean by he'd "find me?" That kind of creeped me out. I knew this was a little-big town, but could he really find me wherever I was?

"Hey, so what are you doing tonight? Wanna accompany me to a party?" He asked.

"Let me guess. Isaac's party?" I replied, raising my brow.

"Yep! How'd you know? And its so weird hearing you call him "Isaac" no one calls him Isaac."

"He and Zac already invited me."

"Really? I guess I got beat to the punch." He said.

"Yeah, I'm still kind of in shock how you've all warmed to me so quickly. I mean, I am a fan..."

"Truth? Everyone loves you. Zoe has been talking non-stop about you. Zac thinks you're really cool. And of course Tay loves you.." he paused a moment then continued, "You're "in", trust me. You should just move here, I mean, we all know you already. You'd have a built-in group of friends. I could get you a gig at the theatre I'm sure." I couldn't tell if he was being serious or not. "So, party tonight?"

I hesitated. I wasn't sure going to Isaac's party with Ryan was a good idea. What if Taylor was there? He did say he'd "find me." Would he say something to Ryan? I realized I wanted to avoid hurting Ryan's feelings at all costs. I didn't want him to know I had slept with Taylor. But on the other hand, I wanted to go to the party. And I wanted to see Taylor. I was leaving that evening, and wanted to spend as much time with the guys as possible before I had to return home to my life.

"Sure." I smiled. "Let's do it." 

Ryan smiled. "Excellent."


	12. Gorgeous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Palace and Ryan attend Nikki's party, and runs into Taylor.

You're so gorgeous  
I can't say anything to your face  
'Cause look at your face  
And I'm so furious  
At you for making me feel this way  
But, what can I say?  
You're gorgeous

\--

After my lunch with Ryan, the rest of the day passed pretty uneventfully, which I was grateful for after the events of the following evening. I was still battling an awful hangover, and needed time to recover if I was going to pass as relatively together at Isaac and Nikki's party. Before heading to band practice, Ryan had given me Isaac and Nikki's address, saying he'd meet me there later that evening. Though I played it cool, the inner fangirl in me was practically screaming. I was flattered Ryan had trusted me enough to trust me with it. I knew some fans would pay big bucks for Isaac's address.

I didn't think I'd ever get used it. To being Hanson's friend...or whatever I was to them now. It didn't matter anyway, because I'd be leaving soon, I thought with a sigh. Whatever level I could reach with the guys and their families was a moot point, anyway, because I wouldn't have the choice to explore it. I then laughed to myself, thinking how incredibly ridiculous this whole experience had been. I'd come to Tulsa as a fan only last Thursday, and I would leave a friend of the family - well, if things kept going the way they were going. Well, that and I guess Taylor's latest conquest...and as awful as it sounded and made me look, I was kind of proud of that fact. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to see Taylor again. If anything, just to talk about what had happened. I had been so drunk last night...I really only remembered bits and pieces of what had happened.

Something told me this party would be the last time I'd talk to Taylor. It wasn't that I'd stop being a fan or going to shows - I figured I'd always be a fan - but I'd avoid Taylor at all costs, I decided. It'd just be too hard to talk to him after what had happened. After having a taste of what it was like to be with him, I'd be torture relating to him again as "just a fan."

With nothing to do and an afternoon to kill, I decided to drive around and explore Tulsa some more. Tulsa really was a great city, I thought as I drove - this time of year particularly, I guessed. Blue skies, lots of green spaces, and nice, welcoming people. I liked it there a lot. At that point in my life, I'd have moved there if I thought I could find enough work. Tulsa is a lot of things, but it is not is a theatre town.

The day passed uneventfully, and as much as I tried to distract myself, all I could think of was Taylor and how much I wanted to sleep with him again, even though I knew it was a bad idea.

—

When I arrived at Isaac and Nikki's house at 7:00pm that evening, the party was already hopping. I parked behind a blue SUV I was pretty sure was Zac's and sat in the car for a moment, tying to get my wits in check. I felt nervous, but wasn't sure why. I could handle myself, I knew that, but that didn't change the fact that I was about to go to a party at Isaac Hanson's house. I was living every fan's dream. Again, I mentally thanked my lucky stars that I was in this situation that any fan would kill for the opportunity to be in.

I checked my makeup in the mirror, took a deep breath, and got out of the car. I walked towards the house. On the way in, on the porch, I passed Zac in a heated conversation with a guy I thought I recognized from their backstage crew. He winked and waved as I entered the house. I waved back, smiling.

Isaac's house was gorgeous. I stopped for a moment to take it in. The house, a large three-level, was decorated carefully with a definite hunter/lodge theme, with gorgeous dark wood floors, and leather furniture with rustic details. On the left right inside the doorway was a large mounted deer head. Across on the opposite wall were multiple framed pictures of him with various people, posing and smiling with their catches. It was kind of gross. Who knew Isaac was so into hunting, I thought, cringing, as I walked down the hallways, following the sound of voices. I had never liked the idea of hunting.

As I rounded the corner, I was greeted by Nikki. She was stunning in person, much prettier than I'd thought, with long, dark hair and a smile that could light up a room. I thought about all the negative things fans said about her, how she was stupid and shallow, and felt bad. I could see why Isaac had chosen her. She as absolutely gorgeous.

"Hello!" She exclaimed, giving me a hug. "You must be Palace!" I was a bit taken aback, but managed to hug back and reply,

"Yep, that's me" I mumbled, wondering how she knew my name. Seeing my confusion, she said, "Oh, Ike told me who you were. I'll walk you in."

We walked together into the large kitchen to see around 30 people mingling and chatting around an island, which spanned the entire length of the lavish kitchen. There were also 40 or so people mingling in the living room, as well as several children coloring together on the dining room table. I recognized Monroe and Everett in the group, as well as Zac's kids Shepherd and Junia. I looked around and saw none of the Hanson brothers, or anyone I knew. I turned around to ask Nikki something, but she was already walking away to talk to someone else. Suddenly alone, I awkwardly wandered up and introduced myself to the group in the kitchen, hoping to meet some new people and get my mind off Taylor.

A cute guy smiled at my from the across the table and asked,"Would you like a drink? I make a mean margarita."

"Sure," I replied smiling back.

As he was making my drink, we chatted. His name was Tom. He explained that he was a friend of Isaac's, and they were working on a project together. This excited me, and I wanted to know more, but I refrained from asking about it. I was trying to hide that I was a fan. This was obviously a family and friends-only gathering. No one here, but the guys, - well, and Kate and Nikki I assumed - had any idea I was a fan, and I wanted to keep it that way. I didn't want people to treat me differently than everyone else.

I was feeling more at ease after a couple drinks with Tom. I'd been introduced to a few more people, who'd all been very welcoming. So far, I hadn't seen Taylor, or anyone in his family in fact. A part of me hoped he wouldn't show up tonight. Maybe the best idea was just to enjoy my last evening in Tulsa and just leave without seeing him again.

I excused myself to use the restroom. After walking away, I realized I hadn't asked where it was. No harm, I thought. I could find it myself, and admitted it would give me an opportunity to explore Isaac and Nikki's house more. I walked down the first hallway I saw. I stopped to admire a couple family photos hung on the wall. One was of the family at the beach. They were all smiling and tan. I assumed it had been taken a few years ago, maybe even at BTTI, since their daughter wasn't included in the picture.

I continued down the hallway. I passed what appeared to be a kids room, then hit a closet. The only way to go was right, so I did so - and immediately ran into Taylor.

"Well, look who I found."

I stopped in my tracks. My stomach dropped.

"Taylor." I managed to utter, swallowing hard and trying to smile. My confidence drained away and I felt nervous again. He had that effect on me.

"I thought I'd find you here." He said, looking around and motioning for me to follow him into the bathroom. "I want to talk, but we can't here. Nat's here."

My eyes went wide. "What?" I said. It made me really nervous to think of the idea of meeting Natalie. He led me into the bathroom, which happened to be on the right, and closed and locked the door behind us. He breathed a sigh of relief, before turning to me and immediately taking me in his arms. He went in for a kiss, but I pulled away, stepping back and crossing my arms.

"What would it matter if you two are open?" I asked carefully, but it was more of a statement than a question.

He fumbled with his answer, which at the time should have been the biggest red flag...but as I'd continue to do, I allowed him to make excuses, and worse, I chose over and over to believe them.

"Uh, yeah, no...it doesn't matter. But our agreement is that we don't flaunt it in front of each other." He clarified. Then added nervously, "we should go somewhere more private."

I stared at him, my glare cold as ice. I knew he was lying to me. But despite how mad I was at him, I couldn't help but want him, too. I remember thinking he looked incredibly good that day. He was wearing a nice pair of Levis, brown leather boots, and a dark blue form-fitting long-sleeve shirt. I continued to stare him down. He stayed silent.

"I promised myself I wouldn't sleep with you again." I said after some time, looking down and fidgeting with my shirt hem.

"Did you now?"

What a cocky bastard, I thought. "Yes, I did. Last night was wrong. It can't happen again." I sounded firmer than I felt. In reality, my legs felt like jelly, and my core was on fire. I felt like simultaneously ripping his clothes off and slapping him in the face. I could feel my resolve fading as every minute passed. I stared at the floor which was covered in blue and white tile and prayed I'd have enough self-control to not let him seduce me again.

He took a step towards me.

"Then why did you stay?" he asked. He seemed genuinely curious, not being facetious.

I sighed and met his gaze once more. "I don't know," I admitted after a moment.

That admission seemed to give him confidence. "There's a reason you stayed, Palace." he said as he took another step towards me. "We have that fire. You know what I'm talking about. Are you going to just walk away from that?" I took a few steps back.

He was right. We did have incredible chemistry. I knew that was hard to find. I could feel my resolve getting weaker and weaker the closer he got to me.

"No." I said weakly. "Please don't do this."

My back hit the wall then. He took a last step towards me and put his arms around my waist. "Palace..." He whispered in my ear. "Don't resist. You want this. I want you. Don't fight it. Let it go."

I closed my eyes and took a shaky breath. I loved the feel of his hands on me. He smelled incredible - like sweat, musk and whiskey, all at once. His body leaned into me. He felt unusually warm. My heart jumped a beat. I stared into his eyes, grey-blue, intense.

"Tay...don't." I said, putting my hands on his chest, trying not to actually moan when he lightly nibbled on my neck.

"I like it when you call me "Tay..." he said, looking me in the eyes again and smiling warmly.

"This isn't right." I mumbled. I reached around and pulled his hands off me. Surprisingly, he allowed me to do so.

A flash of anger crossed his beautiful face and he stepped back. "Nothing is right, okay Palace? There is just actions." He said harshly. I immediately regretted what I said. I didn't know what I wanted. I wanted him to touch me, but I also wanted him to back off.

"What is that supposed to even mean?" I retorted back.

He sighed loudly and ran his hands through his hair.

"Don't you get it, Palace? We met for a reason. You're going to save me. You're going to make me feel alive again! I've never met anyone like you. I have to keep seeing you. I can't stop thinking about you. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel a connection with you, like we were destined to meet. I think you're my soulmate, Palace. I felt it the second I saw you."

He turned away, exasperated and rested his forehead on the door. I stared at his back, shocked into silence. He felt that way about me? I didn't know what to say. Suddenly, I felt ill, completely overwhelmed. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

And then I felt his hands on my head and his lips on mine. Hard. I opened my eyes, and pulled back immediately, scared, head reeling.

"Sorry." He said, but I knew he wasn't. I stared at him, my whole body tingling, feeling his kiss on my lips still, and knew then that I couldn't resist him. I wanted him so badly. The lust I felt for him was uncontrollable.

So what did I do in that moment? I was weak. Instead of running like I should have, I gave up. Rather than keep fighting my feelings and doing the right thing, I chose my feelings. I chose him. That moment when I gave in is like crystal in my mind. It still haunts me. I still regret it. It was one of the most selfish things I've ever done.

I grabbed his face and kissed him back fiercely, letting go of all my rage, and indecision and hesitation. I felt an immediate release. It was almost like I lost my mind when I was with Taylor. The attraction I had to him was so intense it overpowered every other thought I had. It was an animal attraction, uncontrollable. Release from the tension only came when I was touching him.

"Oh fuck, I want you so much Taylor, you have no idea." I mumbled in between kisses. We continued to kiss savagely, practically ripping at each other's clothes.

We were both halfway undressed when we heard a knock at the door. We both froze.

After a moment, Taylor yelled, "One sec!"

"Taylor, is that you?" the voice asked. I recognized the voice immediately as Ryan's.

"Uh, yeah man...I'll be right out!" Taylor replied. 

We both stared at each-other, wide-eyed.

"Fuck." I swore.


	13. Your Love Is My Drug

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Palace and Taylor leave the party together and spend some quality time together in Taylor's family cabin.

I don't care what people say  
The rush is worth the price I pay  
I get so high when you're with me  
But crash and crave you when you leave

\---

Ryan knocked on the bathroom door again.

Taylor and I stared at each-other, wide-eyed, frozen.

"Fuck." I mumbled, staring helplessly at Taylor. He shrugged. Ryan knocked again.

"Uh, Tay? You okay, buddy? Drink too much?" Ryan called through the door.

"No, man...I'm fine...just uh, I'll be out in a sec, okay?" 

"Uh, okay man. See you soon. I'll be out on the deck."

As soon as we heard Ryan walking away, I burst out laughing. I couldn't help it. For whatever reason, I found the entire situation hilarious. I tried to stifle it but I couldn't. Here I was, half-dressed, making out with Taylor Hanson in Isaac Hanson's bathroom, trying to keep his friend from finding out. It was just so unbelievable. Taylor gave me a look while buttoning his pants. Taylor handed me my top, which had somehow made it's way into the shower, and said dryly,

"Shhh! Jez. Well, I'm glad someone finds this so funny, while I'm freaking out at the possibility of my best friend finding me in a rather compromising position with the girl he digs." He hissed, motioning me to be quiet.

That last comment made me stop laughing. My eyes narrowed as I took the top from him and put it back on.

"He's your best friend?" I whispered, curious. I hadn't known that Ryan and Taylor were that close.

"He is. We grew up together."

Shit. This information made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't know that Ryan and Taylor were that close. I thought they just worked together. This information just made me want to be even more careful about keeping me and Taylor's little "affair" secret.

I checked myself in the mirror. I scowled when I saw what my hair looked like. My carefully arranged victory rolls were ruined. I sighed. I had total just-fucked hair, even thought we hadn't even gotten that far. As I was fiddling with my hair, Taylor walked up and put his arms around me. He rested his head on my shoulder, looking at me in the mirror.

"What's up??" I asked.

"Just watching." he replied.

I stopped fussing with my hair and took a moment to see the two of us. He was so gorgeous. We were gorgeous together, I realized. We were so different, but it worked. He smiled and asked,

"What are you thinking about?"

I answered without hesitation. "Us."

I turned and kissed him suddenly, tangling my hands in his hair once more.

"Hey, I just fixed that," he laughed, pulling away a bit and leaning in to examine his hair in the mirror.

I shrugged playfully.

"Sorry." But I wasn't.

"I'm so glad I found you," he whispered, taking me in his arms again. "even if you're only here for tonight."

"Me too." I whispered back. We just stood there with our hands around each other for a while. He was so tall, my head only came up to his chest. I played with one of his necklaces, a silver cross. I felt so comfortable with him, like I'd known him for years. And in a way, I guess I had, being a fan and all.

After a while, I broke the silence.

"We're really going to do this, aren't we?"

"We are." he replied simply, leaning down and kissing me again. I shivered. 

"I'm glad," was all I said in response.

I felt, for the first time in a while, alive. Really, truly alive. I felt like there was fire coursing through my veins, and my mind was humming like a cherry hot-rod engine. We stared into each other's eyes. It was clear we felt the same way about each other. It was a special and rare feeling I'd never, and havent felt since. I felt like I fit with him. Like he was the missing piece.

Then, amazingly, he sang to me. Softly, in my ear, barely audible. I instantly I recognized the song:

"Stay here in my arms tonight. There's nothing that I wouldn't do. I just wanna be the one you're holding onto. And if you wanna run tonight, I'd take you anywhere you want me to." he paused. I didn't say anything. I just stared into his eyes, blue and gray and containing everything I thought I needed at that time.

I finished it off. "I'm giving you my heart 'cause I I'm lost without you. 'Cause I'm lost without you."

Even that early on in our affair, we had said 'i love you' without really saying it.

"That's my favorite Hanson song." I said simply after a moment.

"I thought so." he replied, smiling. How had he known?

There was no going back after that. My dream had come true. I was his and he was mine.

Or so I thought.

\---

We weren't able to get out of the bathroom without being seen for a while. By the time we were able to, the party was still in full swing.

We had decided it'd be best to be seen together as little as possible. Natalie was there - I'd seen her - and of course, Ryan had been there as well. That night I felt equally on top of the world and terrified. I could at that point, confidently say that I was involved with Taylor - what it would mean and how I'd feel about it later, I had no way of knowing - but that night? I was on top of the world.

If I had known what would happen, I'm still not sure I would have ran. That's the worst part. I wanted him more than anything. At that point, being given the opportunity I'd been given, it was impossible to resist. After all, I was only a human, flesh and blood, ruled largely by my desires

The rest of the evening went by in a blur. I didn't drink much that night. I met a lot of people. Taylor told me he wanted to leave with me right away, but that he had an obligation to stay and would figure out where we could go together later. I got it, and I kept my distance from him, staying with Ryan. But that didn't keep Taylor and I from stealing any moments we could to make out in dark closets, alcoves and bathrooms. I'm surprised we didn't get caught. Now I chalk it up to the incredible luck we always seemed to have when we were together. Later on in our affair, when things gad gotten ugly, even my drunken, attempts to sabotage him and reveal us had failed. It was like Taylor had a invisible barrier around him that protected him. I was convinced back then that he could get away with anything.

When the party started winding down, Ryan had taken me aside on the deck and asked if I would go home with him. I liked Ryan, but I had checked out mentally at that point. All I could think of was Taylor, and how much I wanted to be alone with him.

"Uh," I said, sipping my drink pensively. "I think I should just go straight to the airport, actually. I have an early flight." The lie rolled off my tongue almost too easily.

Later, I'd realize I lied more when I was with Taylor than I ever could remember lying in my entire life. This was not a fact I am proud of now.

"Well, I can drive you then!" he offered, looking hopeful. 

"I actually have my rental car I need to drop off." I said truthfully, glad for the excuse.

"Oh" he said, "so this is goodbye then?" He looked like a sad puppy. It was rough.

"I guess so..." I mumbled. I felt bad that I was, yet again, ditching Ryan to see Taylor. But the truth was, I didn't feel so bad that I'd change my mind about leaving with Taylor. 

I kissed Ryan chastely and gave him a big hug. "It's been great getting to know you, Ryan." I said sincerely. Then added, "Can we keep in touch?"

"Of course." he answered, smiling in that way he always did, so full of genuine affection and light.

After that, Taylor and I said our good-byes to everyone and headed out separately as planned.

Taylor had come up a plan to drive our cars separately out to our meeting spot, which Taylor had given me an address for. I had no idea where it was, but based on the address and how much I knew about Tulsa at that point, it looked like it was in a residential neighborhood on the north side.

I got into my car, punched the address into my GPS, and headed out. It was a bit of a drive. Wherever Taylor was leading me to, it was pretty far out. It was about as far as you could go while still being in the Tulsa city limits.

Eventually, the GPS instructed me to make a right onto a small winding road. I drove down it. It was dark. There were many trees overhead. Then, apparently I was there but I didn't see anything. The GPS had indicated I have arrived at my destination. I stopped and parked in what appeared to me a small, circular clearing in the woods. I was puzzled. There was nothing here. Where was Taylor leading me? I waited.

While I waited, I listened to the only CD I had in the car: the 2013 EP Music Made for Humans, which I'd been given at registration. I hadn't had a chance to listen to it yet, but I was excited to. I unwrapped it and slid it into the CD player. I put it on random, adjusted my seat and laid back to listen.

The first song it played was "Show Me The Way". I remember thinking the song was particularly sexy, unlike most of Hanson's music. I remember thinking that the lyrics described how Taylor and I felt about each other at the time:

_Please take your time 'cause your body's close to mine_  
I don't really need my sanity  
You're my desire  
You're about to start a fire on me  
Baby please 

I didn't know what to expect as I waited for Taylor. I was beyond excited, but I was nervous, too. I knew these situations didn't end well, but I didn't care. I thought I could handle it. I convinced myself it wouldn't last long and that I wouldn't allow myself to get hurt. I thought I could love him and leave him like I had so many others. I had no way of knowing that it'd end up so much more complicated than that, and that I'd end up regretting the affair more than I'd ever regretted anything in my life. But then? I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I was so focused on Taylor, and how much I wanted him, that I couldn't see the forest through the trees.

\--

Finally, after waiting for what had felt like forever in this clearing in the woods, I saw the headlights of Taylor's truck through the trees. He pulled up beside me.

"Where are we?" I asked Taylor when he walked up to my window.

"Some property we own. Come on, I'll show you." He said as he opened my car door and helping me out.

He took my hand and led me down a small path. At the end stood a small cabin. It was very dark, but beyond the cabin I saw the distinct sparkle that can only be reflected from a lake.

"Wow." I breathed. "This is beautiful, Taylor." He took my hand and led me up the steps. As he keyed in, he said, "We can have privacy here. No one knows we're here. We can relax."

I stepped inside, Taylor following closely behind, and heard the door shut softly behind us. He left go of my hand, and clicked on a small light near the door. I stood there, looking around, waiting for my eyes to adjust to the dark.

The cabin was beautiful. Someone had obviously taken some time to decorate it to their tastes. The decor was similar to that of Isaac's house. I wondered if the cabin belonged to him. As my eyes adjusted to the dark, shapes started to come into focus. I saw a large stone fireplace with a huge fur rug in front of it, a gorgeous four-poster bed, and even a pool table.

I stepped over to admire a lamp that had been made from an antler.

"This place is so cool." I said. "Did you decorate the place yourself?"

"No." he laughed. "I'm not much of a decorator. You can thank Nikki for that."

"What do you guys do with this place?" I asked.

He took off his coat and hung it on the coat rack near the front door. "Sometimes we rent it out in the summer. Sometimes we'll go here for a weekend and work on music. It's kind of a sanctuary for us."

It was then I noticed that on the left edge of the room, there sat a grand piano.

"Wow. That piano is gorgeous." I said, walking over to it and running my hand down it's ivory keys.

"I know, right? It's vintage. I love playing on that. You can just feel the history that thing has. I love to think about how many people have played on it, learned on it...", he trailed off, then looked up at me and smiled, like something had just occurred to him.

"Can you play?" he asked, striding over to it and taking a seat on the bench excitedly. I shook my head. 

"A little." I said, then added, "I could probably play "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star".

He motioned for me to come over and sit beside him on the bench.

"Here. Join me. I'll teach you something."

I sat beside him on the bench. I rested my hands on the keys and paused, thinking hard of any notes I may still remember from the piano classes I took as a child. He saw my confusion, and placed his hands over mine.

"Here. Just follow my lead."

I couldn't help but notice his wedding ring. 

"Could you take that off when we're together?" I asked, then added, "honestly, it makes me uncomfortable."

"Of course." he replied, quickly taking it off and putting it is pocket.

"Thanks." I smiled. I paused then said,

"Okay, what are you going to teach me?"

After that day, I never saw his wedding ring on again.

\---

That night, Taylor had tried to teach me - unsuccessfully, I might add - how to play the piano. I have to give him credit - he tried hard, but I was a hopeless case. As much as I'd always wanted to learn to play an instrument, I lacked the commitment to practicing. Perhaps that was why I had admired him so much. I had always had a special respect for musicians, especially ones trained in more than one instrument, like Taylor was. Because I knew the kind of commitment and self-discipline it took to learn how to play an instrument well. Not all of us had that discipline.

My piano "lesson" had turned into a make-out session, and before we knew what was happening, I was on his lap, and we were taking each other's clothes off. The more time we spent together, the more we wanted eachother. Our chemistry had been undeniable and impossible to resist.

I remember that we never made it to the bed that first time we made love in that cabin. He ended up taking me on that very piano.

After we'd had as much of each other as we had wanted - I think it was at least 5 times - we had stayed up half the night talking and drinking whiskey. Being a fan, it was hard to refrain from asking Taylor a million Hanson-related questions, and I had refrained - mostly. But there was something I had always wanted to know, and figured I'd never again have a chance to ask, because after all, our affair was new...and I hardly knew him. Who knows if I'd ever see him again after that night?

I remember that conversation like it was yesterday...

"Why are all the songs you write yourself about cheating?" I asked frankly. We were lying on the bed naked, him on his back smoking a cigarette and me on my stomach. It was warm in the cabin. I reached up and opened the tiny window above the bed. Cool air off the lake blew in, slightly ruffling his hair. I turned over, propped my head on my arm, and just gazed at him. I was so in love.

Taylor looked surprised and turned to look at me. "What? Who told you that? How do you even know which songs I specifically wrote?"

"I don't, really. It's just a theory I have. Tell me a song you wrote entirely yourself. Without your brothers."

He raised his eyebrow and seemed to think for a minute before replying. "'Hand in Hand'. But it's not about cheating."

"'And I, I see you hand in hand, with another man, and I, don't know, what you see in him, and why you let us go'? Come on, Taylor."

He sighed. "Okay, yeah I guess some songs I've written are about cheating. I don't know. I guess I've always had a fascination with cheating. Like, I never understood why people did it, and then..." his voice trailed off, "and then...I guess I got it."

I could tell it was a devastating fact for him to admit, that he was a cheater, and I could hear the sadness in his voice. Neither of us said anything for a while.

"So...how many times have you done this?" I asked finally. Then added, "Does this mean anything to you?"

"Of course it does." he said. "It means everything. You don't even know how hard it is for me. But you...you make me feel something I havn't felt in a while."

We sat there together on the bed, at a loss what to say. I wondered what he was thinking about. I reached over to the nightstand and took a cigarette from his pack, lighting it with a lighter that looked like a moose I'd found in the bathroom earlier. He smoked Marlboros. We smoked and just sat in silence for a bit.

"No, you are not the first, or the last probably," he suddenly said - I flinched when he said that - "but you're the only one who doesn't make me feel like I'm dying."

What a strange way of putting it, I thought.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"The others, they made me feel sick...like I was using them and they were using me. It was nothing more than just meeting a physical need for sex. In the beginning it was fun...but then it just became a chore, and now...well, I don't know how to stop." he seemed to struggle with what to say next, "but you, Palace?" he turned and taking my face in his hands and kissing me so hard it left me breathless he said, "You make me feel alive, like I'm still worth loving. You make me feel like there is something of worth in me still, after everything that I've done."

I was stunned. I stared into his impossibly blue eyes. He felt worthless? Well, that was a surprise.

"Taylor" I said, "you are not worthless. You are human. We are all flawed by default. You are perfect. I adore you. I love you."

I immediately put my hand over my mouth, my eyes wide. I couldn't believe I'd used he "L" word. 

"Sorry..." I muttered. "Habit. Or all that sex scrambled my brain."

But the truth was I did love him. And it scared the shit out of me. 

"I love you too." he admitted without hesitation, looking at me.

We just lay there, side by side, looking at each other. I could never get bored of staring into those eyes. I didn't know what to say, so I changed the subject.

"I want to ask you some questions. And I want you to be honest."

"More questions?" he asked, groaning.

I had to ask more. I wanted to know everything.

"All your songs about love. Who are they about?"

"Some aren't about anyone. Some are." he replied.

"Which are about Natalie?"

"'Hey'. 'Got What You Wanted'. 'On The Rocks.' 'Ugly Truth.'"

Whoa. None of those were flattering songs.

I paused. Did I want to continue? Did I even want to know this information? I decided I did.

"Your or your brothers kids?"

"'Crazy Beautiful'. 'Penny and Me'. 'Musical Ride.'"

I sighed at the last one and smiled. "I love that song so much. It's funny: so many of your songs...fans think are romantic, but they're really about your kids, aren't they?"

"Many are", he nodded.

"They're your true loves." I said simply, taking a deep drag of my cigarette then continued, "You've had other affairs. Which songs are about those?"

He paused. "I don't see why that matters. They're the past. It didn't mean anything. Not like it does with you."

I gave him a look.

He sighed. "Okay. 'In the City'. 'Voice in the Chorus'. 'And I Waited'. 'Give a Little'. Many more."

"How many affairs have you had?" I asked.

Taylor frowned before answering. "Too many."

I paused. He snuffed out his cigarette and immediately lit another.

"Would you write a song about me?" I asked, feeling bold.

"I already have." he answered simply without hesitation.

"Really? When? How?"

"Last night, actually."

I was stunned. He'd written a song about me? Already? I've barely known him for a week.

"And last but not least, let's get this straight: Who's "Georgia" really about?"

Taylor laughed. "Fans are still confused about that? It's about Kate. Zac wrote most of that song when they first started seeing each other, when we were touring."

"Natalie said in an interview it was about her." 

Taylor shook his head and said bitterly, "She would say that."

"So what song did you write about me?" I asked excitedly, deciding to ignore that last comment.

"I'm thinking of putting it on the next ep, actually." he snuffed his cigarette out and I saw a little twinkle of excitement in his eye. "Wanna hear it?"

"Of course I do!" I replied.

"Excellent." he said. He got up, snuffed out his ciggarette, and walked over to the piano. He sat down, adjusted the seat and set his hands on the keys. He then turned towards me.

"I don't know. It's still pretty rough."

I propped myself up on some pillows and said, "I'm sure it'll be amazing."

And then he sang to me and my whole world seemed to stand still.

"You really got my motor running, you push me to my limit... you stop me in my tracks, oh you stop me in my tracks...I don't want to wake up dead inside, I dont wanna wake up...You're the one that makes me feel alive..."

As he sang, Taylor's voice cracked with emotion, his eyes closed slightly, and he sang with the passion and intensity as we'd come to expect from him.

When he had finished, I took another long drag of my cigarette and said simply, "That's a good song. Really good."


	14. Call It What You Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taylor asks Palace to stay another week, and she agrees. Taylor and Palace go out dancing.

My baby's fit like a daydream  
Walking with his head down  
I'm the one he's walking to  
So call it what you want, yeah  
Call it what you want to

\--

Monday, Week Two 

I remember that first night at the cabin so vividly. Taylor and I had stayed up the entire night, talking and making love. When the sun came up that following morning, we were still awake. I glanced out the window and saw that the sun had just started to rise.

"Let's watch the sun rise." I said, getting out of bed and quickly throwing on a shirt. "I can't remember the last time I did that."

We watched the sun rise from the porch. The sunset had been beautiful, especially over the lake. Once the sun had risen, I padded into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee. Glancing at the clock on the wall, I saw it was 5am. Wow, I thought. We really had stayed up all night. Tuesday, Week Two I returned to the porch a few minutes later with two cups of coffee. I handed Taylor one and returned to my seat next to him.

"Thanks." He said appreciatively, taking a sip. We sat in silence for a bit, sipping our coffee. It was a while before either of us said anything.

"Stay another week." He'd suddenly said. It wasn't so much of a question as it was a demand.

"I've love to, but I don't think I should," I said.

I knew it wasn't a good idea. I was already developing feelings for him, and I had to protect myself. The longer I stayed, the more involved I'd become. But he'd persisted, and I couldn't say no to Taylor. After some discussion, I'd cancelled my flight and agreed to stay another week in Tulsa, but only under the condition that he then let me go without resistance. He agreed. We said our goodbyes and made plans to get together that following evening, Tuesday. Taylor said he'd call the next day. He'd also said I could stay at the cabin for the week I was there. It was almost perfect, I remember thinking.

After Taylor left, I went back to bed feeling excited. I woke up at 2pm. First thing was first...I had to figure out a way to get out of work. Rehearsals were set to start the following day for the show I was currently managing. I called my assistant and asked her to cover for me. I didn't tell her why, and she didn't ask. And that I was grateful for, as I don't know what I would have said.

Uh, sorry Caitlin, but I can't do my job because I'm banging Taylor Hanson from Hanson. Uh, no.

After I'd gotten off the phone with Caitlin, I was faced with what to do the rest of the day. I took a shower. I quickly learned that after searching through the kitchen, there was no food in the cabin. Well, that wouldn't do. I decided to make a trip to the grocery store and buy myself some groceries for the week. Taylor had shown me where a spare key was hidden. I got dressed, quickly tied my hair in a bandana, swiped on some lipstick and was ready to go. I grabbed my purse and used the spare key to lock the door behind me. I then punched in "grocery store" in my Google Maps, hopped in my car, and was off to the closest one.

\---

Taylor had told everyone that I was staying in town longer than expected because, in my time in Tulsa, I loved it so much I was considering moving here. They bought it. His family and friends continued to embrace me. As far as they were concerned, I was a new friend of the guys and of the family. For reasons I couldn't fathom, they all loved me. Zoe especially. I think she thought of me as the cool, older sister she never had. I don't think they, beyond the guys and Zoe, even knew I was a fan. Only Zac knew the truth - or part of it. He knew that Taylor had been interested in me, but as far as I knew, he believed that he had talked me out of becoming involved with Taylor. Zac, and by extension Kate, had continued to be friendly to me, which made me think that he didn't suspect that there was anything else going on between Taylor and I. And he clearly didn't hold it against me that I'd almost succumbed to Taylor's charms.

I really liked Kate. She was genuinely friendly and incredibly sweet to me whenever I saw her. She was soft-spoken and shy, but with a silly streak that was beyond adorable. The way her and Zac looked at each other, it was so clear that the two were still so incredibly in love. I often wondered who knew about Natalie and Taylor's arrangement. Surely Kate knew? But maybe not. Taylor really did have everyone fooled, including himself.

Taylor continued to introduce me as a friend, and it appeared that no one suspected anymore than that. That gave us the freedom we needed to spend time together in public without suspicion, though we didn't push our luck. We tried to be alone as much as possible, which was a necessity, because we literally couldn't keep our hands off each other.

Although Taylor was comfortable bringing me around his friends and brothers, he was always careful to keep me away from Natalie and by extension, his kids. He made sure she wasn't planning on going before he invited me to an event. When I questioned why, he said it was because, even though they did have an arrangement, they had agreed to be discreet to avoid the kids asking questions they couldn't answer. I believed him. I told myself that, by then, Natalie had surely heard about me through the grapevine, and was fine with me, or she'd have confronted me already....right? I believed Taylor full-heartedly when he assured me that the only reason he and Natalie were still married was for the kids, and that they had a mutually agreed-upon open arrangement.

The more time I spent with Taylor, the more crazy about him I became. It had felt like free-falling without a net. I had never in my life fallen for someone so quickly and so deeply. At that point, neither of us were thinking about the future, we were just enjoying each other, and the short time that we knew he had together. We both knew it couldn't last, so we treated every hour we spent together like it could be our last. We just wanted to have fun.

And boy, have fun we did. So much fun. Taylor had a way of making every situation enjoyable. He had this free spirit that I envied: a live-in-the-moment mentality that in the beginning had felt foreign to me, but that he'd taught me to embrace. He made me feel so special and loved. Believe it or not, I wasn't worried about getting hurt. My only reservation about getting involved had always been that he was married. I thought that even though my feelings for him were so strong, that I could avoid falling in love. I didn't think I was even capable of falling in love again so soon, after what had happened with my last relationship. Not even with Taylor. I figured I could get my kicks, have the time of my life, then return home with the best memories of my time in Tulsa and with Taylor. I thought I could avoid falling in love, thus avoid potential heartbreak. I was a fool.

I remember everything that happened like it was yesterday, but I don't want to. I can't forget, though I've tried. Writing this is my last hope. My hope is that by telling this story, I can finally let go and forget. Everything Taylor and I did...everything that was said...how things ended...every moment is seared in my memory and branded on my heart, forged with fire. Their heat left scars on my heart. I can still feel the sting of them sometimes, like they'd just been freshly branded, through the heavily-tattooed, yet thin skin of my chest.

\---

That next night, Tuesday, Taylor had decided he wanted us to celebrate my delay in leaving Tulsa by going out dancing. I was wary, because I had never been much of a dancer - I could sort-of lindy hop, that was about it - but I was willing to do whatever he wanted. As long as we were together, no matter what we were doing, I knew we'd have a good time. I always had a good time with Taylor.

Beforehand we stopped at what was quickly becoming our favorite haunt, Yeti bar. In fact, it was the place I'd had my first date with Ryan.

"Have you ever thought about leaving Portland?" Taylor asked out of nowhere, taking a sip of his beer and swiveling on the barstool to face me. It sort of threw me off base, as we had just been discussing music. I took a sip of my beer before replying.

"Sometimes." I replied honestly. "I love Portland, but sometimes the weather gets me down. It's so wet and overcast. I'd love to live somewhere more sunny. But then when I actually think about moving, it doesn't seem to make sense to. I've built up a good network in Portland, and have a thing going there. Besides, I can always travel if it becomes to much."

Taylor nodded, and turned back to his beer, fiddling with his coaster. "Yeah..no, totally. You're right. That makes sense." We sat there in silence for a bit, lost in our thoughts, enjoying our beers.

"Why?" I finally asked, curious why he'd asked.

"I don't know. Just curious, I guess." I raised an eyebrow.

"Uh, huh. Right."

He laughed.

"Okay, it's that...well..." He turned toward me again and continued. "You love Tulsa, right?"

I nodded. "I do."

He continued, "Why not move here?"

I stared at him. He couldn't be serious.

"You can't be serious." I said, "you know I can't do that. My whole life is in Portland."

"Like what?" He asked. Was he serious? "I mean, what's keeping you in Portland, really? You're single. You said your parents are in Chicago, right?" I nodded. "Here, you'd be closer to them. So, what's keeping you?"

I didn't know what to say. Taylor was actually asking me to move to Tulsa. I never thought in a million years I'd ever be in is situation.

"Tay...you know I can't move here. What about my work?"

"So, get work here."

"Tulsa has a lot of things, but theatre is not one of them."

"We have an opera and a ballet." He pointed out.

"Tay, I manage theatre. I've never managed an opera."

"You could learn." He said.

I stared at him. "Seriously, Tay?"

Taylor paused. He knew I was right and he was losing this argument. I could see the wheels turning in his head, changing course, coming up with another angle to convince me to do what he wanted. He was good at that. 

"What if I told you I could get you a gig in Oklahoma City, at Theatre X?" I considered. I knew of Theatre X. The theater I worked for had collaborated with them before. They were a well-respected company. Working with them would be a good opportunity for me career-wise.

"Really. You could do that?"

"Yeah. I know one on their production managers."

It was so tempting. If he could get me work, I could stay in Tulsa and continue seeing Taylor. We wouldn't have to say goodbye yet. But was that a good idea? As crazy as I was about Taylor, I could see how moving to Tulsa could be a very bad idea. I surprised myself by saying,

"I'll think about it."

Taylor smiled that irresistible smile of his. "Good." He then downed the rest of his beer in one gulp, hopped off his stool, and extended his hand out to me in an exaggerated display of chivalry.

"Well, milady? Are we ready to dance?" he asked. I laughed and gave him my hand.

"Depends on what kind of dancing we're doing."

"It's a surprise. You'll just have to see."

\---

"Ouch!" I whined. Taylor had stepped on my foot again. He rolled his eyes at me.

"I'd stop stepping on you if you'd just follow my lead."

Taylor's "surprise" had been country dancing - specifically, line dancing night at Cains Ballroom. This was new territory for me, but once I got the hang of it I found I really enjoyed it. Cains hosted a line dancing night every week, apparently. Most of the patrons that night were seasoned dancers and mostly older couples. Taylor and I were easily the youngest couple there.

After a while, the band, a honky tonk trio, had taken a break, so I took that opportunity to use the ladies room. In order to get to the bathroom there, you have to walk down a hallway to the right. The bathrooms are located to the right of a back door, which is down a few steps. As I walked into the bathroom, I noticed there was water pooling at the bottom of the stairs. It was really raining hard. I whistled under my breath as I entered the bathroom. It really did rain hard in Oklahoma.

While washing my hands, I was joined by another woman at the sinks. She smiled warmly at me. I smiled back. I could never get used to how friendly people were here.

"It's really raining hard, huh?" I asked, making conversation. The faucet in Cains was incredibly slow. I didn't think I'd ever be done rinsing my hands.

"Yeah." She replied, "we have monsoons here a lot. Sometimes it'll flood so hard they have to evacuate. That happened last year here at a show, actually."

"Wow." I said, turning off the faucet and drying my hands.

"I hope that doesn't happen tonight!" She smiled, drying her hands as well.

"Me too! I was just starting to get a hang of this dancing thing." I said. I was glad to be able to discuss my difficulty learning the dance.

"Tell me about it! So many steps. And it seems like people assume you know how to do it" she said.

"I'm Palace." I suddenly said, realizing this was an opportunity for me to meet a new friend outside of the Hanson family, which seemed like a good idea.

"Lindsey." We shook hands. She didn't ask about my name, which was rare, and this fact made me like her immediately. We walked out of the bathroom together, and back to our dates.

\---

That evening we'd spent line dancing at Cains had been fun. Though it'd taken me a while, (and more than a few clumsy stepping on toes, honestly) I'd managed to follow along with the steps. It didn't hurt that Taylor had been an excellent leader. I felt at ease with him, which said a lot, because I wasn't much of a dancer, especially country dancing, which was totally alien to me. I'd introduced Taylor to Lindsey, and they didn't know each other, which was refreshing. I was starting to think that everyone knew everyone in Tulsa. Or at least Taylor did. She had a date with her, a nice guy named Tom, and we'd all quickly become friends.

We had just launched into the last dance of the evening when suddenly an alarm went off which I can only describe as sounding like a siren. I stopped dancing, alarmed, and looked up at Taylor in confusion.

"What was that?" I asked, more curious than alarmed. I'd never heard an alarm like that before.

Taylor groaned. "Hurricane siren. Flooding. Happens a lot here. They're going to have to evacuate."

"No way...seriously?" I said as he led me by the hand towards the exit. People started gathering their coats and belongings, and making their way towards the designated emergency exits. No one seemed to be in a big hurry. This really must happen all the time.

"Have you ever been in a monsoon?" He asked me.

"No." I replied honestly.

"Really." He said, flashing me a devious smile. Before I could protest, he had picked me up and was carrying me towards the door and into the pouring rain.


	15. Running Up That Hill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Palace wakes up alone at the cabin. She goes to the mall with Zoe, then has a difficult conversation with Ryan. Kate invites Palace over to her house for a BBQ. Ryan and Palace drive out of town. Taylor comes back.

You don't wanna hurt me  
But see how deep the bullet lies  
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder  
Oh, there is thunder in our hearts

\--

Wednesday, Week Two

That morning, I woke up feeling great. Taylor and I had had such a nice time the night before - we'd danced in the rain and then came back to his cabin and stayed up all night, talking, laughing and having sex. I still couldn't believe my luck. I fell in love with him a little more that night.

I sat up in bed and glanced over at my phone on the nightstand. I picked it up and saw a notification text message from Taylor. I opened it.

_Hey babe. Had to jet for a couple days. Be back friday. So sorry. Enjoy the cabin. - Tay_

I sighed. What a bummer. Well, I guess I had the day to myself. I got up and made some coffee. I looked out the window at the lake, sparkling in the morning light. 

I took a shower and dressed, then sat down on the couch with another cup of coffee and tried to decide how to spend the day. I opened Google Maps and tried to find something that may be going on.

I didn't have to think long, because I got a call. I answered.

"Hello?"

"Hey Palace! It's Zoe!"

Zoe? As in Hanson's sister?

"Oh, hey Zoe! How did you uh, get my number?"

"Tay gave it to me."

Okay then.

"Oh, Cool. Well, what's up?"

"Tay said you were staying for another week! I'm so excited. Do you want to go to the mall today with me and my friend?"

I didn't - I hated shopping - but I reasoned I didn't have anything better to do and I did like Zoe.

"Sure! Should I come get you?"

"Yeah! At Mom and Dads. Do you know where that is?"

"Nope." I said, digging a notebook and pen out of my bag. "Give me an address, and I will head out."

"536 77th St."

I chuckled to myself as I wrote down the address, and at the absurdity of me having the address to where the guys grew up. If other fans knew this, they'd be so jealous.

"Okay, sounds good, Zoe. I'll be there soon."

I picked up Zoe and her friend and we spent a couple hours at the mall. We had a nice time, but my mind was elsewhere, thinking about Taylor an everything that had happened. 

After dropping Zoe and April off back at their house, shopping bags in tow, I decided go to a movie to pass the rest of the evening.

As I was buying my ticket, my phone beeped. A text.

_Just saw you driving past. Explain? Why are you still in town? –R_

Ryan. Uh, oh. Had he seen me? How? Where? It occurred to me he'd thought I'd left Monday night after the party. He must be so confused. Fuck.

I knew I couldn't ignore this. It was time I told him what was going on. Even though it'd hurt him. He deserved to find out about me and Taylor from me, not from someone else.

I texted a quick reply. 

_Meet me at Yeti? Now?_

His reply was simple.

_OK._

I apologized to the ticket representative I had just purchased a ticket from, and explained I'd had a change of plans and would now like a refund. She was confused, but obliged. Then I got back in my car and headed back to the Brady District.

I hesitated a moment before walking into Yeti. I was nervous to talk to Ryan. I didn't know what to say. I felt stupid, and worse, that I'd hurt his feelings yet again. I took a deep breath and walked in. The air felt cool. Even in early May, the bar was already air-conditioned. I didn't like it. I loved the heat. It was such a change from what I was used to in Portland, where barely anywhere was air-conditioned.

"Hey." I said, apologetically, sitting beside him on a barstool.

"Hey."

He didn't look at me.

This was bad, I thought. Real bad. I studied him for a moment. He looked good – but well, that wasn't a surprise. Ryan always looked good. He continued to say nothing, so I ordered a beer and gave him space. He'd say something when he was ready, I figured.

"Uh, did you dye your hair?" I asked awkwardly, trying to make conversation. It looked blonder than last time I saw him. He nodded, not looking at me.

I was honestly surprised he'd agreed to meet me. Any other guy would have told me to screw off by now, I reasoned. But Ryan was different. Any girl would be lucky to have him, I knew this.  
But here I was, stringing him along, wasting the time he could be spending finding a girl who felt the same way about him. Fuck, I thought. I suck so much. 

"So you didn't leave on Monday." He said frankly, finally looking over at me.

"I am so sorry." I said finally, honestly. "I meant to call you and tell you...I just forgot."

"Uh huh." He said, taking a gulp of his beer. "Why would you tell me you were leaving when you weren't? I just don't get it. Is this your way of saying you don't want to hang out with me anymore? Because if so, that'd be pretty immature."

"What? No. No. That is definitely not it. I was planning on leaving...but then I stayed.." I said, trying to sound casual.

"Why?" He asked. 

I was silent. I just couldn't tell him about me and Taylor. 

"Did you not leave...because of me?" He asked hopefully, scooting closer to me.

Oh, fuck. I had not expected that. He thinks I stayed for him. Because I wanted to be with him. I felt really bad now. I had to come clean, no matter how hard it'd be to tell him.

"Uh...no." I said simply. I watched his face fall in disappointment. He turned away, and I could see how embarrassed he was and mentally cursing himself. But he regained his composure and turned back to me. "Then why did you stay?"

Why was this so hard? Well, I don't know, because you have to tell this guy who likes you a hell of a lot that you chose his best friend over him? Who also happens to be Taylor Hanson? Who you also already admitted to being attracted to? 

Yeah, that could give any guy a complex.

"It's complicated." I said carefully.

"Complicated?" Ryan echoed sarcastically. "Complicated? Really. How is it so "complicated" you can't just be honest with someone?" He was getting angry, and this conversation was not going as I had planned.

"Palace, we're all adults here. If you didn't want to see me anymore, you could have just said so. I can deal."

"No, Ryan, that's not it. Trust me. I did want to see you...I just, uh...I still do, it's just...complicated."

Ryan stared at me coldly. "Yeah, you already said that."

I didn't know what to say. Anything I said would make me sound stupid. I considered just getting up and walking out, too chicken to admit to him what I had done on Monday: ditched him yet again for Taylor.

He sighed after a moment. "Palace, look, you know I really like you, but I'm getting mixed signals from you. Do you want to see me or not?"

Yes, but I shouldn't.

"I do." I said truthfully. "But I shouldn't."

"Why the hell not?" He asked. 

I found the courage to just blurt it out. "I'm seeing someone else now."

No, I'm seeing Taylor now. Why was that so hard to say?

The shocked look on Ryan's face said it all. "What? Since when?" 

Come on, Palace. Say it. Stop lying.

"Uh, yeah."

"You 'met someone'?" he asked incredulously. "When? At Nikki's party?"

"Yeah." I flagged down the bartender and ordered a beer. I sipped it. I figured that wasn't really lying, as that was the night Tay and I had decided to really go for it. Ryan just continued to stare at me. I'd lied so much lately, but for whatever reason, my lies didn't work on Ryan. I could tell immediately he didn't believe me. 

"You're lying." He said simply, facing towards the bar and running his hands through his hair. "And I don't know why."

He was right. Lying to him felt wrong because it was wrong. And besides, I told myself, I wasn't doing anything illicit. I might as well come clean. I was just having some fun with a man who was in a mutually agreed-upon open marriage...right. Surely Ryan knew about their arrangement. Taylor was his best friend, after all. 

"I'm not lying." I said, but it didn't sound too convincing.

Why couldn't I stop lying? I was now lying about lying. Ugh.

Ryan laughed, but it wasn't a friendly sound. He raised his voice. "Really? I saw you arrive alone. Who could you have met in that couple of hours between getting there and leaving for your flight? Or did you meet someone yesterday?" 

"Look, just someone, alright? I just thought you deserved to know in person. It doesn't matter though, I'm only staying the rest of the week."

Ryan's face registered disbelief. 

"Palace, you went out to lunch with me on Monday, the night you were planning on leaving, and agreed to go to a party with me, where we met as planned. We hung out all night, then you left the party for your 11pm flight. How could you have even had time to meet someone else just yesterday? And someone, at that, you liked so much that you would completely forget about me?" He just stared accusingly at me. I just stared at my lap. "Just be fucking honest with me." He finally said softly.

I couldn't believe that I'd only been in town since last Thursday. It was Wednesday now. So much had happened. It felt like a lifetime. I closed my eyes and tried to fight the wave of nausea that just hit me. I couldn't tell if it was from the hangover or this conversation. I took a small drink of water.

"Ryan... I like you a lot. I've had a great time with you. But, you know, I'm leaving and..." I trailed off. I didn't really have an excuse and he knew it. I decided to change tactics.  
"And besides, if I don't want to see you anymore, and I want to see someone else for the rest of the time I'm here, I don't need to justify myself to you."

"You're right." He said evenly. "But something isn't adding up. I want to know who I lost you to. I don't believe you just no longer are interested in me. You were all over me at the party."

I could see the wheels turning in his head, and I could pinpoint exactly the moment that light bulb went off and he realized what had happened. 

"You left with Taylor, didn't you? That's why you left me so suddenly after their set on Sunday. You went to meet him, even after Zac told you not to! Then, at the party on Monday, you left with him."

I didn't answer, confirming he was right. 

"I knew it," he said bitterly, shaking his head. "I knew it!" He angrily took a swig of his beer.

Suddenly, I felt ashamed, but wasn't sure why. I was sure what I was doing was alright. 

"I'm sorry." 

Ryan carefully put his beer glass, now empty, back on its coaster. He didn't look at me as he said the following.

"Palace, listen to me. Do not get involved with Taylor. You will seriously regret it."

I felt the need to explain myself. "Why would you assume that?" I countered. "What if I'm the one taking the reins? What if he regrets it?" 

Again, I felt that sensation of déjà vu. I realized that what Ryan had just said to me was almost verbatim what Zac had said to me. And my response had been the same, as well.

Ryan laughed, this time more bitterly. He gaze focused intently on me. His voice was low now.

"Look, trust me when I tell you, whatever Taylor has said to you is a lie."

"That's harsh words coming from his best friend."

"Yes, Taylor is my best friend, but he's not a saint. Far from it. I'll be the first to tell you that."

"I'm not doing anything wrong. He and his wife are open, right?"

Ryan shook his head and groaned.

"He told you that?" 

I nodded weakly. "Yeah."

"Oh man..." He muttered. "I can't believe he told you that. Palace, listen to me. Him and Natalie are not "open". At all. He's lying to you."

Suddenly, the room felt colder. I could feel my stomach drop. Another, much stronger wave of nausea washed over me. 

"What?" was all I managed to reply.

Taylor had lied to me? I had chosen to believe him, and the truth was that I had. I felt sick. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. 

I had slept with a married man.

The truth hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. I felt like I was going to be sick again.

"Ryan...I'm sorry, I think I'm going to be sick." 

And before he could say anything else, I ran to the bathroom and threw up.

\--

When I returned from the bathroom, I was surprised to see Ryan still there, sitting on the same barstool, waiting for me. This made me feel worse. Despite how I'd played him, he was still concerned about me. I felt like shit. He was truly a better person than me. I slinked into the adjoining barstool and was silent. He wordlessly handed me a glass of water.

"Drink." He said simply.

And then he told me like it was. 

"Palace. Listen to me. Taylor and Natalie are not open. I honestly thought he'd stopped telling women that. You have to stop seeing him. This could jeopardize his marriage, his career....Do not be a part of that. He has a lot to lose. Just walk away. Please." 

I just sat there listening to Ryan talk, feeling like a caught fish, my delicate insides exposed, ready to be gutted.

He continued. "If you continue to see him, after learning this, I will lose all respect for you. And so will Kate and Zac." 

"Taylor has done this before. Lied to girls about being in an open marriage to get them in bed?" I said flatly.

"Yes."

"And you, Kate and Zac know?"

"Yes."

This was a lot of information to digest. I couldn't handle it. I needed space.

I had to face the facts. Taylor was a serial cheater. He wasn't open with his wife. He never had been. He had lied to me, and he had lied to others. 

Ryan continued. He looked at me sadly, like he too felt the pain I was going through. "You are not the first woman he has done this to. He dumps them when they find out. If they threaten to tell anyone, he threatens to sue them."

"No." I said, shaking my head. I refused to believe it. "This is different. Maybe I'm the exception. Maybe he really will leave her for me."

"Maybe, but probably not. And even if he was willing to, would you want to let him?"

His words cut me and rang so true. No, I wouldn't.

"Come on, Palace. You're smarter than this."

Was I? I was starting to think I wasn't.

You know what the worst thing was? Even though I knew what Ryan was telling me was true, a part of me didn't care. I still wanted Taylor. I still loved Taylor. I still didn't want to leave.

"I love him." I mumbled, surprising myself, then immediately regretted saying it.

"What?" Ryan asked, staring at me. "No. No. Get away now. Please." 

He was practically begging me. I had to leave. This was too much.

"Ryan...I have to go." I mumbled, hastily getting out of my chair. "Thanks for the advice. I have to think." 

Ryan sighed, reaching out to me. "Palace...I'm sorry. Maybe I was too harsh. I'm just trying to be honest with you. You deserve it."

I pulled away and stood up. "You're wrong." I said, not caring how stupid it sounded. "Taylor's not lying to me. Maybe you just don't know about their arrangement." 

"Palace, you're a fool if you believe him. Leave now, before you two get more involved." 

"Too late."

Ryan sighed. His concern for me, despite how I'd treated him, almost made me feel worse, because I knew, yet again, I'd hurt him. He reached for my hand, but I pulled farther away. The intimacy of that gesture made me uncomfortable in that moment. I didn't deserve it.

What I said next I am not proud of. Perhaps in hindsight I knew he was right, and the guilt I felt made me lash out, trying to burn that bridge I'd built with him. 

"You're the one that's lying, Ryan. I don't believe you."

"Why the fuck would I lie?" He asked.

"Because you're jealous. You wanted me since the day I met you, but I chose him. You're angry at yourself for introducing me to him."

Ryan stood up out of his chair, facing me square in the face. 

"Jealous? Seriously? You need to get a grip and wake the fuck up. He is using you. He is married. He is lying. To. His. Wife. He has done this before. Have some fucking respect for yourself. He's going to use you and when you want more, and become a liability to him, he'll dump you! Just like he did to Melody." He was yelling. People around us were staring. 

"Be quiet!" I hissed. "You want everyone to hear this?" 

He shut his mouth. Then he sat down, defeated. "No, I definitely don't."

I suddenly felt exhausted, like the wind had just been sucked out of my sails.

We sat in silence for a while. Neither of us knew what to say.

"Who's Melody?" I asked after a while. 

"The last one." He said simply. 

"I don't believe you." I said, though more quietly than last time.

He sighed. "No? Ask Kate. She knew her well."

"Knew her?"

"Yeah, she left town. Taylor drove her out."

His words were harsh but they were good advice.

I knew I should take it.

\--

I'd left Yeti with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew I had to talk to Taylor – and before he got back on Friday. After getting in the car, I'd pulled out my phone and texted him before I had the chance to talk myself out of it.

_We need to talk. Call me._

He replied almost immediately.

_I can't talk now. What's up?_

_Ryan told me you lied about being in an open marriage._

Taylor didn't respond right away. I imagine he had thought hard as to what to reply.

_Let's talk Friday._

He didn't deny my accusation. And that's when I knew Ryan had been right.

I drove back to the cabin and cried myself to sleep.

\--

Thursday, Week Two

I awoke that next morning at the cabin, again, alone.

I hadn't slept well. I'd tossed and turned all night.

I was devastated by what Ryan had told me the following day, that Taylor had lied to me about being in an open marriage with Natalie. That had changed everything for me. As crazy as I was about Taylor, I never wanted to hurt another woman, and the idea that Natalie could find out about our affair made me feel sick. I cursed myself for staying in Tulsa, for falling for Taylor in the first place. I couldn't believe I'd gotten myself into this mess. Where, before it had felt like a dream, now it had become a nightmare. I knew that if Natalie found out, and it destroyed their family, it'd be my fault.

But I had doubts, about what I'd been told, too.

Ryan had said that's what Taylor did, that he lied to women to make them sleep with him. That I wasn't the first woman he had lied to about being in an open marriage. A part of me desperately wanted to believe that Ryan had been lying. That he was biased, he did like me after all.

But another, perhaps stronger, part of me wanted to believe what Taylor had told me. That we weren't doing anything wrong. That Natalie knew about me. I wondered, if Taylor had only wanted sex, why had he asked me to stay? Was it possible that he was really...in love with me?

Why hadn't I listened to Zac in the first place and avoided this whole mess to begin with? Because I'd been blinded by lust that had somehow, incredibly, evolved into love.

I was really royally screwed.

I loved Taylor, I knew it. I felt it in my bones. But instead of feeling happy about it, I felt bitterness.

I knew what I had to do. I had to say no to Taylor and walk away for good.

I knew what I had to do, but I have no idea how I was going to find the strength to do it. Now that I knew Taylor was lying to me, I knew I couldn't, in good conscience, continue to see him. Not while he was married, anyway. But I wasn't going to tell him this over the phone. I had to do it in person. I needed to confront him, to force him to explain to me in person why he'd lied. I wanted to make this hard on him. Which meant I had to wait until he got back into town tomorrow.

Last night, at the bar, I had told Ryan I needed space and time to myself. As grateful to him as I was that he'd told me the truth, it had been a hard pill to swallow, and I had needed time alone to process the news. He understood, gave me a big hug, and told me to call him anytime if I needed to talk.

The downside to waiting until Taylor returned home to confront him meant I had an entire day to kill. I knew it'd be excruciating with nothing to do, especially just hanging around the cabin where everything reminded me of him.

I got out of bed and started a cup of coffee. I felt too sick to eat. I grabbed a newspaper I'd bought while I was downtown. I flipped through it listlessly, looking through listings for anything going on. There wasn't much going on in Tulsa that week, unfortunately. Towards the end of the paper, my eye caught a small article on Taylor's side project, Food on the Move. I felt my stomach flop and quickly turned the page. I groaned and dropped my head on the table, taking a shaky breath.

There was no way to avoid Taylor while in Tulsa, was there?

I got up, tossing the newspaper in the trash, as I walked outside to the porch. I looked over the lake and sipped my coffee, thinking about the day ahead.

–

I left cabin once to pick up a six pack of beer. But beyond that, I'd spent the larger part of the day sitting out on the porch, glumly staring at the lake, thinking about everything that had happened. I had considered calling Ryan multiple times, once going so far as to dial his number, then hanging up. I was sure the last thing he wanted was to talk to me. After last night anyway. I'd called him a liar, after all. God, I was a shitty friend. I thought about calling Zoe and seeing if she wanted to go to the zoo or something. It was a nice day. Sunny, not too hot. But I couldn't find the energy to get up and get dressed. I was just too depressed.

I was working on my third beer when Kate called.

"Hello?" I asked, disinterested.

There was a pause on the other end. "Palace?"

"This is her." I said, I didn't recognize the voice, and assumed it was regarding work. Where I should be now, not in Tulsa in this mess, I thought, taking another sip of my beer.

"Uh, hey...it's Kate."

I didn't say anything. Kate who?

"Uh, Kate Hanson?"

Oh. That Kate. I perked up slightly. Kate and I had hit it off on Monday at Ike and Nikki's party. She was really nice, and it was hard not to like her. I was touched she'd thought to call me, and I wondered what it was about.

"Oh, hey Kate! I didn't recognize your voice. You know how people sound different on the phone. Uh, how'd you get my number?"

"I got it from Ryan, actually. I hope you don't mind? He stopped by earlier and mentioned he'd seen you yesterday evening, and that you were still in town."

Well, okay then.

"Oh. No, that's totally fine. I'm glad you called!" I said genuinely, and I was. I doubted the thrill I got when of any of the Hanson family called me would get old anytime soon.

"Well, I was wondering if you're still here?" She asked.

"I am."

"Well, what are you doing this evening? I'm having a little BBQ. Just us girls. I was hoping you'd join us?"

"I would love that." I said honestly. How had she known I needed company? Hanging around the cabin was getting me more down than I already felt. I needed to be around people to get my mind off Taylor.

I was pretty sure Kate had no idea about Taylor and I. So at least if I went, there'd be a low chance I've have to discuss him. I knew Kate knew about Taylor's cheating and lying – Ryan had told me both her and Zac knew – but I didn't think she knew I was involved. As far as I knew, I was a new friend of the guys...and well, a fan. It was sweet of her to reach out to me.

"Excellent." She said. "Do you know where we live?"

Of course I didn't, I thought. "No, but if you give me the address, I can GPS it."

"Okay. We live at 563 Orchard LN. The entrance is a bit hidden. Look for a red mailbox. Then drive down the lane and our house is at the end. Park behind Zac's car."

I grabbed a pen and scribbled the directions down as she said them on a notepad that I'd found near the phone.

"Great." I replied. "Should I bring anything?"

"I think I have most of what I need...wait, actually yes. Can you bring potato salad?"

"Done. When should I show up?"

"Seven."

"Great. See you then!" I said.

"See you tonight!" She said, and hung up.

I hung up, and softly put the phone down on my lap. I took another sip of my beer. I smiled to myself.

So I was headed to Zac and Kate's house tonight for a BBQ. The only trepidation I had was the possibility of Natalie being there, which could be awkward. If she showed up, I could just leave, I guess, I reasoned. Despite how down I was feeling about Taylor, I couldn't help but feel excited at the possibility of seeing Zac again.

I was a fan after all.

–

Kate had been right, their house was difficult to find. Pulling up into their massive driveway, I realized I now knew where Zac and Ike lived. Boy, was I living any fan's dream. I doubted I'd ever find out where Taylor lived, however. That's probably a good idea, I thought, as I parked my rental car behind Zac's black SUV as Kate had instructed me too. There were already multiple cars there, including two other trucks and an old pink Cadillac. I got out of the car and walked up to it, admiring it. I loved classic cars.

As I was peering into the car, obviously admiring its white leather interior, a voice behind me said,. "Nice, huh? Ike gave it to me as a gift one year."

This caused me to nearly jump out of my skin. I spun around, my hand on my heart.

"Jesus. You scared the hell out of me." I gasped, laughing.

Nikki stood there, smiling.

"I thought you may be here. Kate really likes you. How are you?" She asked.

"Good." I said, lying. No, actually I'm terrible, I thought. I'm in love with Taylor, who as you know, is married. No, I am not good. Not good at all.

She winked at me and then looked around, like a child who'd just stuck her hand in the candy jar, then reached into the pocket of the floral jumper she was wearing and pulled out a pack of Marlboros. "You smoke right?" She asked, taking one out and offering it to me.

Nikki was so cute it was ridiculous.

I didn't smoke Marlboros, but I didn't want to be rude, so I accepted the cigarette.

"Sure. Thanks."

She pulled out a lighter and lit mine, then hers. She then leaned against the hood of her car, and took a long drag of her cigarette. I had a feeling she hadn't had a smoke in a while. She motioned for me to join her. I did.

We sat there for a moment, silently smoking our cigarettes. It was quiet. There was faint music coming from inside the house, but other than that, the only sound was the birds.

"Ike doesn't like it when I smoke." She said suddenly. "I tell him 'we all have our vices, you drink, I smoke', you know?" After a moment, as if defending herself, she added "If you had three kids, you'd need a smoke sometimes, too."

I nodded, unsure what to say. I felt like she was seeking permission from me.

"Completely understandable." I said finally.

She nodded. "Exactly". After a couple more drags, she hopped off the hood, and turned towards me again.

"Palace is such an interesting name. Where's it come from?" She asked.

I took another drag of my cigarette. "Well, my Mom just liked unconventional names, I guess. My brother's name is Prince."

"So, how are you liking Tulsa so far?" She asked conversationally.

"It's great." I replied honestly. "Everyone is so welcoming."

"That we are. " she said. She sort of studied me for a moment. "The guys really like you. I'm surprised. They don't let people into their circle so easily. Especially not fans." She said, winking.

"Yeah, I know. It's all kind of felt like a dream." I admitted.

"I know the feeling." She said. "I was once in your shoes, after all..." She trailed off, smiling.

I didn't know what I expected her to say, but it wasn't that. I wasn't I sure how to respond.

"Should we go inside?" She asked, as she snuffed her cigarette out under a white platform shoe.

–

I'd been at Kate's for about an hour, and it was proving a good distraction. Along with Nikki, there were a few other women there, including, surprisingly, Lindsey, the woman I'd met at Cains. I was afraid she was going to ask about Taylor, but thankfully she hadn't. Apparently she only knew Kate and Zac. I didn't see Natalie, which was a relief. And sadly, Zac was nowhere to be seen. Everyone was very nice. I didn't feel like I really fit in – most of the women there were married, and mothers – but I tried not to let it get to me. There was a large assortment of kids there as well. I recognized Monroe and Everett, along with Kate's kids, Junia, Shepherd, and Abe, who was still a baby at the time. Most of the kids were concentrated in the yard, where an inflatable pool had been set up. They were supervised by an unidentified woman whom I assumed to be a nanny.

I was alone on the back porch, smoking another cigarette, when I was approached by Kate.

"Hey." She smiled, leaning on the railing.

"Hey. I hope this doesn't bother you." I said, motioning to my cigarette.

"Oh, no it's fine." She said. "It doesn't bother me."

"Hey, thanks for inviting me." I said. "You've all embraced me so much. I'm having such a great time. I've met so many people. I'm really going to miss it here."

"Of course." She said. "The guys love you. Zac thinks you're really cool."

Now that was a sentence I never thought I'd hear come out of anyone's mouth.

"Yeah, well, I'm still convinced that he is nice to me only because he still feels bad for knocking me out at that show last week."

She laughed. "He does. But no, that's not why he thinks you're cool."

"Why then?" I asked honestly. "Because I just feel like that fan that won the lottery, and I don't know why, you know."

She nodded but didn't say anything. "You're different than most fans. They can sense that."

A moment passed in silence. Kate seemed like she wanted to say something, but was hesitant to do so.

"Hey." She said after a moment. She looked at me thoughtfully. "I know."

"Know what?" I said casually, even though I knew immediately what she was referring to.

"I know about you and Taylor."

Fuck.

"What do you mean?" I asked, playing dumb.

"I know he came on to you at his party last week. And I know he asked you on a date, and you declined."

"How do you know that?"

Part of me felt relieved that I had someone in their camp to talk to this about. I wondered how much she knew.

"Zac told me."

I didn't say anything. Of course he had. She was his wife, they probably talked about everything.

"Is uh...Natalie going to be here tonight?" I asked.

"No, she and the kids are out of town." Kate said quickly. "I figured you would wonder about that."

So Natalie was out of town too. What a coincidence.

"With Taylor." I said simply.

Kate nodded. She didn't have to say anything.

Well, that sucks, I thought.

A moment of silence passed between us.

"It's okay." She said, as if she sensed how difficult this was for me to discuss. "You didn't' do anything wrong. Taylor shouldn't be coming on to fans."

You could say that again.

"Look, I know you don't know me that well...but I know Taylor all too well, and I just wanted to say that I admire you for turning him down. He uh, had a thing with a friend of mine awhile back...and well, it got pretty ugly and ended really badly. I'm glad you didn't go as far as she did. You've saved yourself a lot of trouble."

She didn't know everything that had happened, I realized. She thought I'd turned him down and it hadn't gone past that. I wonder what she'd think of me if she actually knew what I'd done. I didn't want her to know.

"Yeah..." I said, awkwardly. I tried to laugh it off, but it came out sounding clumsy. "He did. At this party. But I turned him down. Then, at the MOE show, he asked me again if I wanted a date. I was overwhelmed. He was so aggressive...I basically agreed to get him off my back." I added, though it wasn't really true, "I wasn't actually going to meet him." I lied.

I'll never forget the look on Kate's face then. Her pretty face was clouded over with all I could describe as pity.

It threw me off.

"Palace..." She said, "Zac told me what happened. That he ran into you and talked you out of it."

I sighed. "Yeah, okay. Coming clean here. I maybe would have gone with Taylor if Zac hadn't talked some sense into me." I was silent for a moment. I felt ashamed. "Thank God he was there."

"Absolutely." She hesitated for a moment before saying, "Look, I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I just wanted you to know that we're not judging you."

"Thanks Kate." I said weakly, trying to smile but I was sure my features reflected all I was feeling.

I think she sensed then, or maybe she had all along, that there was more to the story than she knew.

"After that...Nothing else happened...right?" She asked.

I sighed and decided right then and there I couldn't tell one more lie. Something about Kate's demeanor made me feel I could trust and talk to her about this. I believed her when she said she wasn't judging.

"That's not entirely the whole truth." I admitted. I immediately felt better, a huge weight having been lifted off my shoulders.

"I thought so." She said quietly, her brown eyes meeting mine.

I smiled sadly at her, turned away and leaned on the railing. I lit another cigarette.

"Did you sleep with him?"

I nodded. "Yeah. More than once. This has been going on since last Sunday."

What she said next was not what I'd expected.

"He told you him and Natalie were in a open marriage, right?"

"Yup." I said, failing at hiding the resentment and anger in my voice.

"I thought so. He has told other women that, too."

"Yeah, Ryan told me that. Trust me, if I'd known, I never would have." I said. I really needed her to know that.

"I know you wouldn't have." She said, and I knew she believed me.

We stood there together, looking out at the backyard, watching the kids play in the kiddie pool. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me having told Kate. I was incredibly grateful for her willingness to listen without judging, though there was a big part of me that believed I deserved to be judged. She had looked at me with that same look Ryan had given me when I'd told him I was I was involved with Taylor – it could only be described as pity. It was not a good feeling.

"I know Taylor can be persuasive." She said simply, and something told me she was speaking from experience. I hoped she'd continue, but she didn't. She looked out over the yard, but I could tell she was looking beyond it, at the green hills that seemed to go for miles. "Are you going to end it?"

"Yeah." I said. "When he gets back tomorrow."

She nodded. "That's good. Trust me, it will only end badly if you don't."

I didn't say anything.

After a while, she said. "Let's go back in."

"I just need need a few minutes."

"Take all the time you need." She said, smiling, sliding the porch door shut.

I desperately wanted to know more. I wanted to know why her, Zac and Ryan knew about Taylor's cheating, but why they didn't tell Natalie. I wanted to know about Melody. I wanted to know if, anything, had happened between Kate and Taylor. But, I had sensed Kate was done with the conversation for the time being, and I didn't want to poke my nose where it wasn't my business.

I watched the sun set behind the green hills, then went back inside, sliding the glass door shut softly behind me. 

\--

Thursday Evening, Week Two

After the conversation I'd had with Kate, in which she'd confirmed what Ryan had said about Taylor, I had stayed at her party for an hour or so more, hoping we would continue our conversation. But she hadn't brought it up again, and I left disappointed and more curious than I had been before. I drove back to the cabin that night lost in my own thoughts, so many questions without answers going through my head.

Who was Kate's friend Melody? What had Taylor done to her? Why had she left town?

How could Ryan, Kate, and Zac know about Taylor's cheating, and not tell Natalie?

Why had Kate spoken about Taylor's ways like she had first-hand experience?

How could Taylor have lied to me?

The biggest question though, the one I most needed an answer to, I had none.

How was I going to tell Taylor we were done?

I drove back to the cabin in silence, trying to fight the dread I felt. 

—

Friday, Week Two

That next morning I was awoken by a text from Taylor, which read:

_Hi babe. I'm back in town, but I've got to deal with a few things before I can get away. See you tonight. Probably be late. xo Tay_

I tried not to think of what those "few things" were. They probably had to do with his family.

That meant I had the entire day to kill. Ryan had said I could call him anytime...so I did.

He answered after one ring.

"Hi Palace. How are you?" He sounded concerned, but no longer angry.

"I'm okay. Hey, uh do you have plans today?" I asked, hopeful.

"I don't. Why?"

"I don't know...I just can't sit around here all day and just...wait for him to show up, you know? I'll go nuts. I have to get out." I sat down heavily on the large leather chair near the fireplace. "I can't just wait for the ball to drop."

"I get it." He said. There was a pause.

"I have an idea of something we could do."

I perked up. "Yeah? What?"

"Let's do something fun. It's your last day in Tulsa, right? Let's make it count."

I smiled. "Sounds good to me. There's still so much I haven't seen here."

"I'll come pick you up in an hour. Sound good?"

"Yup."

"Great. See you soon." He said.

"Hey, Ryan, wait." I said before he could hang up.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks. You know...for everything."

"Sure thing, doll. Anything for you."

—

As promised, Ryan had arrived to pick me up about an hour later. Despite my insistence that I didn't like surprises, he refused to tell me what he had in store for us for the day. He only had insisted it would be fun and a "good distraction." I had no idea what to expect.

We had been on the road awhile, and had just left the Tulsa city limits when we saw a roadblock ahead of us. A police car was parked beside the roadblock and an officer was standing beside it, waving a flashing stick.

"Uh, what's going on? Why is the road blocked off?" I asked, peering over the massive dashboard of Ryan's Ford F-350.

"I don't know." Ryan shrugged, slowing down and pulling to a stop. "I guess we'll see."

The officer approached us with a friendly wave.

"Sorry folks." He said agreeably. "Road closed ahead. Gonna have to turn around."

"Why?" Ryan asked.

"Bison herd 'bout two meters up. Stopped right in the middle of the road. Not budging."

I perked up. I'd never seen a bison before. I looked around eagerly, in full tourist mode, but didn't see any. Disappointed, I sat back in my seat heavily with a sigh.

"I don't see any buffalo." I said glumly, frowning.

Ryan saw my expression and smiled. The officer just gave me a withering look. "Just up the road, ma'am. Trust me, you're not gonna be able to get through 'em, even in this truck. They ain't going nowhere. Big herd. Better turn around, like I said."

The officer walked away, assuming his work was done here.

Ryan and I sat there for a moment, deciding what to do.

"Well," I said finally. "So much for your surprise. I guess we have to go."

Ryan narrowed his eyes at the officer, who was now sitting on the hood of his car chewing tobacco.

"Maybe not..." He said quietly, like he was contemplating his options.

I raised an eyebrow. "'Maybe not'? He said we can't get through."

"You ever seen a herd of buffalo?" Ryan asked, turning to look at me.

I shook my head. "No. I've never seen a buffalo in my life, in fact."

"Well, you're about to see a whole lot."

And with that, he started up the truck again.

"What are you doing?" I asked, eyes wide.

Ryan winked at me, then sped up, went off-road, and effortlessly drove around the roadblock. We were quickly back on-road, speeding away as fast as the truck would take us.

"Ryan!" I said, shocked. "I can't believe you just did that!"

I unbuckled and turned around in my seat. I looked back excitedly. The police officer was waving at us frantically as we drove away. It wasn't long before I lost sight of him as we turned a corner.

"He's going to come after us." I said, laughing. I turned back around and settled back in my seat. I re-buckled my seatbelt.

"I doubt it. But if he does, we can outrun him." He said casually, revving the engine and grinning at me. "I doubt that old junker of his can get over 50."

Sure enough, he was right. We continued to drive and the police officer never came after us.

We sat in comfortable silence for a bit as we drove. It was a beautiful, sunny day. The freeway stretched before us, empty, nothing but the two of us on the open road. The flat landscape made it look like it stretched forever. To my right were oil rigs, slowly moving up and down, drilling into the soft earth for oil. To our left was nothing but rolling green hills, peppered by the occasional house or group of cattle.

"It really is a different world out here." I commented.

"There's nowhere like Oklahoma." Ryan said, smiling and glancing over me.

We continued to drive, and still I saw no buffalo. I was starting to think the roadblock had just been a cautionary measure, or the herd had moved on.

"Well, looks like the cop was wrong, the herd must have-

I was cut off as we rounded the next corner because, out of nowhere, we were suddenly faced with the biggest buffalo, or well, any animal I had ever seen in my entire life standing right in the middle of the road.

"RYAN! Watch out!" I yelled.

"WHOA!" Ryan yelled, slamming on his brakes. The truck skidded to a stop, narrowly missing the animal.

We both sat there, breathing heavily, catching our breath. I could smell burning rubber.

"Are you okay?" Ryan asked immediately, putting the car in park, unbuckling his seatbelt and leaning towards me.

"Yeah...I'm fine." I said, unbuckling as well and rubbing my shoulder. The force of the seatbelt had cut into my shoulder blade so violently I could feel it bruising already. "Ouch." I mumbled.

"Are you sure?" He asked, looking at me intently.

"Yeah." I mumbled.

I just stared ahead at the animal that had almost killed us, casually munching on some grass in the middle of the road.

"I am so sorry." He said. "I shouldn't have taken that turn so fast. I should have been thinking that maybe the herd were around this hill..."

"Not your fault. Fuck that buffalo." I said simply.

Suddenly I was really angry at this large animal that had almost gotten us killed. Without a word, I got out of the car and walked up to the buffalo. It was massive up close. I balked, staring at it. I didn't want to get too close. I couldn't remember ever seeing such a large animal. It was massive, much bigger than a horse and covered in coarse dark brown hair. Its horns, one on each side of its head, had to have been at least 2 feet in diameter. Nothing in its demeanor told me it was aggressive, however. It casually stood there, munching on what looked like grass. It didn't appear scared of me at all.

My anger started to fade to awe.

I reached my hand out, almost instinctively, to pet its snout, like I would a horse. It took a whiff of my hand, and immediately sneezed.

"Gross." I muttered, wiping my hand on my jeans, and looking back at Ryan. He just laughed. I glared at him and then back at the buffalo.

I took a look around for the first time and realized that we were surrounded on each side of the road by what seemed like hundreds of the animals, peacefully munching grass. It was truly a sight to see. I had never seen anything like it, or been so close to so many large animals. I felt small.

"Wow," I muttered, despite myself. "That's a fucking lot of buffalo."

I focused my attention back on the buffalo in front of me.

"Dumb animal." I muttered, studying it carefully. How was I going to convince it to get out of the road and join its herd safely out of the road?

I looked back, and Ryan was still sitting in the car, making no attempt to help me. In fact, he looked amused. This only made me more angry.

"Ryan!" I screeched, motioning to the animal. "Come out here and help me get this thing out of the road before it kills someone!"

He just shrugged and laughed, putting his arms behind his head as if preparing to watch a movie.

"Go ahead and try." He called out the window, grinning. "He doesn't look like he's going anywhere."

Ryan didn't think I could get the buffalo out of the road, huh? I'd show him.

"Get out of the road." I said to the buffalo matter of factly. It continued to stand there, unfazed.

I tried another tactic. Maybe I could scare it.

"Shooo!" I hissed, motioning for it to move. It didn't. It just continued to stand there. "Shoo! Shoo!"

Okay, now I was really getting frustrated.

I gently pushed the animal.

"Move!" I said as forcefully as I could.

It didn't. I stared at it with barely concealed rage.

With a sigh, I walked back and got back in the car, silently fuming.

"You win." I said. "It won't move. You're right."

"Yeah, we can drive around them. No biggie."

I stared at him, exasperated. "Why did you let me even try if you knew it wouldn't move?"

"Because you looked so cute trying."

—

Ryan and I had a wonderful day together. It would have been perfect if it had not been clouded over by my thoughts of Taylor. We'd had to drive off-road to get ahead of the herd, but even though that had taken us out of our way, I didn't mind. Spending the day with Ryan reminded me why I liked him so much. I felt so comfortable around him. Like I could be myself. I knew I would miss him when I got home.

It turned out his surprise had been to teach me to shoot. How he knew I had never shot a gun in my life, I don't know. After driving for what had seemed like forever, we arrived at an open meadow situated next to a small lake. Ryan had brought along two hunting rifles, along with a picnic and a six-pack of beer. Though I'd always been against guns on principle, I had to admit I had enjoyed myself shooting that day. I refused to actually shoot any of the ducks on the lake, but I did make a few dents in some beer cans.

We decided to head back as it was getting dark. The ride back was a quiet one. We were both undoubtedly lost in thought. The oil rigs slowly moved up and down. They looked strangely beautiful as the sun went down, black machines against a red sunset.

When we finally arrived back at the cabin, it was dark. I didn't see Taylor's truck, and was relieved of that fact. Despite being back later than I'd planned, he wasn't there yet. That meant I had time to mentally prepare for what I was going to say.

While at the lake, Ryan and I had talked about a escape plan for me. I was going to stay at his place that night. I would call him once the worst was over. I assumed my conversation with Taylor wouldn't go well. I knew he'd ask me to stay - again - and I knew I had to stay strong. This was it for us. I had to stick to the plan. Making Ryan a part of it gave me someone to hold me accountable. I needed that. I had packed my belongings, and set my bags near the front door. If things got ugly, I needed to be able to make a quick exit.

"Well, here you go." Ryan said, pulling up to the cabin, shifting the truck into park. He turned towards me. "Are you ready?"

I wasn't. I didn't want to go inside and face Taylor.

"I don't want to do this."

"You don't want to leave him?" Ryan asked, surprised, brow furrowing.

"No, it's not that." I said quickly. "I know I have to. I don't know if I can." I added, honestly. After a moment, I took a deep breath and put my hand on the door handle and opened the door.

I could do this.

"Wait." Ryan said. "I want to say something. Before you leave."

"You'll see me later tonight-

I didn't finish the sentence, because Ryan's hand had grabbed the back of my head and his lips had came crashing into mine with such intensity I almost fell off the seat.

"Whoa, whoa!" I said, pulling away and pushing him off me. "What the hell was that?!"

He sat back and ran his hands through his hair. I could still still feel his lips on mine. My heart was pounding. He didn't say anything. I stared at him.

We both just sat there, unsure of what to say for a moment.

"Sorry." He said finally, looking over at me. "I wasn't thinking."

"It's okay..." I mumbled, again reaching for the door handle. "I should go..."

He nodded. "Yeah. Good, uh, luck? I'll talk to you later tonight?"

I couldn't read his handsome face in that moment.

"Yeah, I'll talk to you soon." I said, closing the door.

I stood there and watched as he drove away and his taillights disappeared into the woods. Head reeling from what had just happened, I slowly walked up the steps to the cabin.

I was reaching for the door when it opened. Taylor stood there. He was already there, and I could tell he was angry.

"Hey." He said simply, but his voice was cold. He stepped aside to let me in. I did so. He shut the door.

He didn't waste any time. He crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Why are your bags packed and near the door?"

My heart sank.


	16. I'm A Ruin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Palace confronts Taylor about his lies.

I've had my share of beautiful men  
But I'm still young and I wanna love again  
It's difficult to say goodbye  
And easier to live a lover's lie

\--

Friday, Week Two

After Ryan had dropped me off at the cabin, I'd walked in to see Taylor was already there. He'd seen my bags packed and left near the door and come to the conclusion that meant I was leaving. I cursed myself. I should have left the bags in my car. In my defense, he did say he wouldn't be back until late, and the sun had only just gone down.

"Why are your bags packed and near the door?"

"Because I'm leaving." I said.

"What?" he said. "Why?"

"I think you know why."

"Is this about Ryan?"

I shook my head. "No. He has nothing to do with this. I know you lied, okay?"

"I didn't lie to you!"

I just stared at him in disbelief.

"Taylor, jesus. Stop! I know, okay? I know you and Natalie aren't in an open marriage."

Taylor's handsome face paled at that.

"What?" He said. "Who told you that?"

I didn't answer.

"It was Zac, wasn't it?" he said. "Unbelievable."

"Zac warned me, but obviously I was too stupid to listen. It was Kate, actually, who told me the truth."

"Of course it was" he muttered. "Fuck. FUCK!"

He started pacing, muttering to himself, clearly angry.

Unable to deal, I went to the kitchen to refill my beer. I should have known that Taylor wouldn't let me leave easily.

I wordlessly sat back down on the couch. I watched him pace for a moment.

"Taylor." I finally said. "It's done, okay? You can't fix this. I can't be with you like this. I won't. Just let me go."

"No." He said, shaking his head vigorously, like a child. "No. You can't leave me."

I finished my beer and carefully stood up. I walked over to my bags and lifted one of them.

"Let's not make this harder than it has to be. I don't want to know why. I get it. I don't want to hear your excuses. I understand. I just want you to let me go."

I was carefully avoiding making eye contact with him as I said this, for I was afraid if I did, that intense gaze of his would cause me to lose focus.

I lifted one bag, then the next and started walked briskly towards the door. I reached it quickly, and opened it.

I thought I had control of this situation.

But as I was opening the door, I suddenly felt his hands on me, and that familiar jolt of electricity that always accompanied his touch.

"Can I at least have a hug?"

I laughed at the absurdity of that question, considering all we'd been through. Maybe I'd been wrong? Maybe he would just let me go and not argue with me this time.

"Of course."

I turned towards him, and he immediately enveloped me in a tight hug. I hugged him back, unreserved. Knowing this would be the last time I touched him was almost unbearable. I buried my face in his neck, inhaling his scent for the last time.

"Palace," he whispered on my ear. "I can't lose you."

"Don't" I said softly, trying to will myself to let go and open the door.

He pulled back and looked me in the eye. "Just hear me out. Please. Then you can go."

Despite myself, I desperately wanted to hear what he had to say. I figured this was going to be the last time I ever saw him. I couldn't leave without hearing what he had to say.

"Fine." I mumbled. "Say what you want to say. It's not going to change anything. But, promise me one thing."

"What?"

"No more lies."

We stood there facing each other. I softly closed the door.

"Okay." He brought one hand up and tucked a stray piece of hair that had fallen out of my bandana behind my ear. "Anything for you."

"Don't." I said, pushing his hand off softly. "Seriously. Talk, but don't touch me. Don't make this harder than it already is."

He let his hand fall to awkwardly to his side, and took a step back.

"Fine."

I took a shaky breath and tried to lean casually against the door. "Well?"

"Can we sit down?" he asked.

I shook my head. "No."

There was a pause. "I'm sorry I lied. I didn't know what else to do. It was stupid, I know. But God, I don't know..." he trailed off and ran his hands through his hair roughly. "I had to keep you here." he said simply. "I knew you knew I was married. So I told you the only thing I could think of that might work."

"You've told other women the same thing."

"I have, but...I know you won't believe this, but you're different."

"I am not different, Taylor. You just think I am."

His eyes searched mine, trying to find an opening to wedge into, but I was as cold as stone.

"I love you." he said, reaching for me.

That was what set me off.

"You do not love me!" I yelled. Unable to control myself, I shoved past him. I needed to get some distance between us.

"You love the idea of me. You have a family, Taylor! You can't have both! Don't you get that?"

We stood there staring at eachother, each silently daring each other to say something.

"I knew from the second I met you that you were the one. I can't lose you."

"Doesn't matter." I muttered, looking at the ground.

"Don't you feel it, Palace? What we have? It's electric...it, it's...god, I can't give it up. I can't give you up. I need you."

"This isn't about you!" I said angrily, meeting his eyes again. "Don't you get that? There is more at stake here than just you and I. It doesn't matter what we have. Or what we could have. You can't have both. You can't have me and her."

He grabbed me then, pulled me close, his hands on my hips. I allowed myself to stay there, pressed against his body for a moment, then, yet again, shoved him off.

"Do. Not. Touch. Me." I said carefully as I picked up my bags for the last time and opened the door.

"I'll do anything to make you stay. Please. Tell me what to do."

"There's nothing you can do, Taylor. We're done. This is done. It should have never been."

I turned my back to him and started to walk down the porch, taking each step carefully. I was genuinely afraid I may fall. My legs felt like jelly, and I felt completely emotionally drained from our short yet intense conversation. Yet I felt proud. I had done it. I had told him we were done. Despite the sadness I felt, I felt proud of myself for doing the right thing.

"If only you weren't married...maybe things could be different." I said quietly, smiling sadly to myself. I opened the door and went outside and opened my car door.

What he said next almost made me fall down.

"If I leave her for you, will you stay?"

"What?" I said, turning around, gaping at him. I genuinely thought I'd misheard him.

"If I leave her, will you be with me?"

I felt my heart jump in hope, then my stomach drop, knowing it couldn't work.

"You don't mean that." I said quietly.

"I do." he said, bounding down the stairs and taking my hands in his. I was too shocked by what he had said to pull away.

"Taylor, I..." I said, at a loss for words. I softly shut the car door and dropped the keys on my bag on the ground. "You don't know what you're saying."

"You said you'd be with me if I wasn't married, right?" he asked.

"Yes," I said truthfully. "I did, but..." I trailed off, overwhelmed, unable to articulate what I was feeling.

"But what?" he asked gently, pulling me closer to him and wrapping his arms around my waist. It felt so good to be in his arms, and try as I might, I couldn't push him away this time.

"But not like this." I said finally. "I don't want to be the reason you leave her."

"I've wanted to leave her for years. Now I have a reason to."

Feeling light-headed, I put my arms around his neck and rested my forehead on his chest and closed my eyes. I couldn't believe this was happening. Taylor was offering to leave his wife for me. What I wanted so badly may actually become reality. It felt so good being close to him. It felt right. I took a deep breath, inhaling the faint scent of tobacco and aftershave. After a moment I lifted my head and met his gaze again.

"Damn, this is hard."

He smiled. "It's hard because it's not right."

I raised an eyebrow, puzzled.

"I mean, it's not right for you to go. We met for a reason. We have something really special. You know that."

I nodded in agreement. "We do. But sometimes things that feel like fate aren't. Maybe we're just two people who are really attracted to each other, and we're misunderstanding that for love?"

He looked hurt after that last comment. "What do you want?" he asked finally.

I just shook my head. "It doesn't matter what I want."

"Do you want me?" he asked simply.

"Of course." I said truthfully. "Of course I do."

"Then why are you letting me go?"

I had no answer for that. Taylor was right. He was offering me what I wanted more than anything, and I was still leaving.

Suddenly, I felt tears behind my eyes, threatening to spill over.

"What's wrong?" he asked, concerned. "What did I say?"

"I just don't... know what to do." I admitted, wiping my face with the back of my hand, and looking up at him. "I want so badly to say yes. I want so fucking badly for us to be together. But I just don't see how it can work."

"It can work, baby. It can. Let's do this. I want to be happy. You make me happy."

He was literally begging me.

"I don't know." I said quietly, pulling his arms off me and standing back. "I think you should think about this. This is pretty major."

"I have." he said. "I want you, always. Please tell me you want the same thing."

I just stared at him, touched by his words.

He pulled me close and kissed me hard. I couldn't help but kiss him back. "Come inside with me." He whispered. I felt that familiar desire rising in me that I always felt when he was around. I knew he was using sex as a weapon to get me to stay. And well, it was working.

Hell, I was leaving anyways, why not have him one last time? I thought. I could leave in the morning.

We continued to kiss, me backed up against the car door, his hands all over me, lips on my neck. I closed my eyes, never wanting this whole thing to end. My hands snaked their way under his shirt. He was so warm. His skin was warm despite the cold night air. I pulled him closer, and could feel his erection already pressing against me. I moaned softly, involuntarily grinding against him. He broke our kiss, panting. "Come on." he said.

"Okay." I said, breathless.

As he led me up the stairs, my bags forgotten, despite feeling elated, I wondered what I had gotten myself into.

—

The truth was, even though I'd agreed to stay, I knew immediately after the words were out of my mouth I'd made a mistake. I knew I couldn't go through with it, no matter how much I wanted to. Perhaps it was just another selfish decision in a long line of selfish decisions I'd made because of Taylor, but I wanted to spend one last night with him. I had reacted so strongly when he told me he loved me because I knew I loved him too - and a part of me despised him for that. I still planned to leave that night, as Ryan and I had planned, but I guess I just wanted to put off the pain for a few more hours.

I am ashamed to admit that a part of me wanted to break Taylor's heart, to lie to him like he'd lied to me. That night, he'd made love to me differently, desperately, like he was terrified it would be the last time he'd see me. Perhaps a part of him knew I couldn't stay.

The door had shut softly behind us and he'd led me by the hand to the bed.

"I want every part of you" he'd said, as he pulled me to the bed. "I never want to spend a night without you again."

I remember thinking how ironic it was that while something had changed in Taylor, something had changed in me too. It seemed like for the first time he had let his guard down, and was allowing himself to be vulnerable in front of me. I believe he really loved me, even if it was in his own twisted, selfish way. He was so happy that night. A fire had been lit in his eyes.

"I know this won't be easy, but it feels right." I remember him saying.

I smiled weakly. "Yeah, babe. It does."

—

We'd had sex for hours. Eventually, he fell asleep. As he lay asleep beside me, I remained awake, unable to sleep. I knew I'd made a big mistake, again, by sleeping with him. I'd only made it harder for myself. I cursed myself for being so stupid and weak. Why couldn't I say no to Taylor? Why did I want him so much?

Ryan and Kate's voices echoed in my head as I lay there.

_Trust me, it will only end badly if you don't._

_If you continue to see him, after learning this, I will lose all respect for you. And so will Kate and Zac._

_Palace, you're a fool if you believe him._

I laid there for a long time, watching Taylor sleep.

I suddenly knew what I had to do. I couldn't wait until morning, I had to leave now, while he was sleeping. There was no other way. It'd become obvious I wasn't capable of saying no to him.

After a while, I quietly got out of bed, being careful not to wake him. I sat down at the desk.

I rifled through the drawers and found a notepad and pen. I knew what I had to say.

_Taylor,_

_If you're reading this, that means I'm gone. Please don't come after me._

_I am sorry to end it like this, but I have learned that I can't say no to you, and that you have a power over me that I can't deny._

_I love you. I do. I want you. I always have. Meeting you has been like a dream come true. I will remember the time we spent together for the rest of my life. But I can't let you do this. I can't let you leave her and destroy your family for me._

_I love you. Always have, always will._

_Palace_

I sat there for what seemed like an eternity, reading and re-reading my note.

My head and my heart were at war.

One part of me that wanted to rip it up, throw it out and get back into bed with Taylor. That part of me whispered seductively, but was misleading. It told me that it didn't, shouldn't, matter what people thought, as long as I had Taylor. But I knew that wasn't true. His love wouldn't be enough to erase the guilt I felt if I let him leave his wife for me.

The other part of me wanted this to be over. I loved being with him, and if things were different, I knew he could make me the happiest girl alive. But what this had turned into was twisted and wrong. How could I still want him, love him even, after I had found out how he lied to me? What was wrong with me?

I had to accept that Taylor had an influence on me that I was starting to finally admit was not positive. I didn't like the person I was around him.

I carefully folded the paper in thirds and left it on the desk.

After sitting there and staring at the letter for what seemed like forever, I took a deep breath and got up. I quietly gathered my clothes from the floor, where I'd hastily thrown them earlier, and dressed quietly in the dark. I watched Taylor carefully as I did this, looking for any sign that he may wake, but he seemed to be deeply asleep. He looked achingly beautiful lying there. It took all my willpower to not crawl back into bed with him.

In our haste to get back inside, I'd left my bags outside earlier near the car. I took one last look at Taylor as I shut the cabin door quietly behind me.

Once I was outside, I took my phone out and called Ryan.

"Hey."

"Come get me." I said simply.

"On the way."

I looked back, worried Taylor had heard me it was so quiet out here near the cabin. But the door was as I'd left it.

For whatever reason, despite it being cold, I just didn't have it in me to wait inside. Shivering in my thin sweatshirt, I sat down on the porch steps, resting my chin in my hands, and waited for Ryan. I knew it'd take Ryan a while to get here, but despite knowing that, I must have checked my watch at least a half dozen times. It was 2am. Despite getting pretty warm throughout the day in Tulsa, I'd learned that nights in May could get surprisingly chilly.

As I waited, I tried desperately not to cry. A part of me couldn't believe what I was doing. I was ending mine and Taylor's affair after he had told me he would leave his wife for me. Was I stupid?

I heard Ryan's truck approaching before I saw it. He had turned off his lights up the road. He pulled up and quickly turned off the engine. I was relieved to see him. I quickly grabbed my bags and walked up to his truck, carefully lifting them into the back. I then got into the passenger side. Ryan was wearing sweatpants and a white tank top, his blonde hair messed up. It was clear he had been sleeping when I called him.

"Let's go." I said quickly, peering through the window at the cabin, paranoid Taylor had heard the truck approach and had woken up. I imagined him running outside and begging me to stay in front of Ryan. I cringed at the thought of that scenario playing out.

"You got it." Ryan said, turning the engine on again and putting the truck in reverse.

We drove in silence as we got farther and farther away from the cabin and from Taylor. Soon, we had turned off the road to the cabin, and got back on the interstate.

"Ryan?" I said finally.

"Yeah?" he said.

"Thanks." I said simply. "For everything."

"You're welcome." he said, but he didn't look at me. His eyes remained on the road.

—

By the time we arrived at Ryan's house it was already almost 3am. I was exhausted, mentally and physically.

"When Taylor wakes up and sees I'm not there, he'll come looking for me. Don't you think he'll come here?" I said as I got out of his truck. He grabbed my bags and headed up the path to his house. I followed him.

"Honestly? No. I don't think he'll think of it. He doesn't know how much we've seen each other since you've been in town. As far as he knows, you ditched me for him at his party last week and that was that. "

Ryan had a point.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." I said. He unlocked the door and we were inside. I was suddenly completely exhausted.

"I am so tired." I said.

"I bet." he said, "dealing with Taylor's crap can be really exhausting."

I laughed, despite myself.

"Truer words were never spoken."

He motioned to the couch.

"All yours. I'll see you in the morning."

And with that, he dropped my bags and was gone. I frowned. I wondered if Ryan was mad at me. He was probably embarrassed about the kiss, which, I'll admit, I hadn't handled well. But in my defense, it had been confusing. I hadn't thought he was interested in me that way anymore, since he'd learned about me and Taylor, anyway. I figured my whole being involved with Taylor had been a big turn off to him. I sat down on the couch, exhausted.

I took out my phone to book a flight back. The only seat I could get was on a flight tomorrow evening. I sighed. I guess I'd be stuck in Tulsa for another day.

I laid down, too tired to take my clothes off, and tried to sleep. I worried about what tomorrow held.


	17. High by The Beach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Palace continues to struggle with her decision.

Loving you is hard, being here is harder  
You take the wheel  
I don't wanna do this anymore  
It's so surreal, I can't survive  
If this is all that's real

\--

Saturday, Week Two

_Palace_

_"Isn't it great?" Taylor asked, spreading his arms out and throwing his head back. "I love it. There's nothing like it."_

_Suddenly, a huge clap of thunder erupted, causing me to jump._

_"Holy shit." I mumbled, eyes wide, hand on my chest. "Should we take cover?"_

_"Come with me." Taylor said, taking my hand. I complied. He led me into an alcove and then, without warning, pulled me close and kissed me hard. I kissed him back, enjoying how his body felt against mine._

_"I want this moment to last forever," he said._

I awoke with a jolt, the dream still crystal-clear in my head. For a moment I was confused where I was. Then I remembered and I could feel my heart sink: I had left Taylor last night as he slept, and written a note explaining to him why I was leaving. Ryan had picked me up and taken me to his place.

I sat up, stretched my stiff neck, and looked around. I was at Ryan's place, an apartment loft downtown. I must have fallen asleep on his couch. I still had all my clothes on. I stretched and stood up. I immediately picked up my phone and checked the time. It was noon. I also noticed multiple texts from Taylor. I took a deep breath and opened the first one.

_Where'd you go? The store? If so, pick up some half and half. -Tay_

I couldn't bring myself to open the others.

I could hear sounds coming from the kitchen area. I got up and walked over to see Ryan over the stove, wearing only boxers, cooking what looked like scrambled eggs. If I hadn't been so depressed, I'd have appreciated that vision much more. I sat down heavily at the table.

"Hey." I said quietly, fiddling with a salt shaker in the shape of a football.

He turned around. "Hey sleepy head! Sleep well?"

"Not really." I said honestly. I felt pretty awful actually. I was really second-guessing the choice I'd made last night.

"I'm sorry to hear that." Ryan said genuinely. "Coffee?"

"Yes, please."

Soon Ryan had set a cup of coffee in front of me, along with a plate of scrambled eggs and toast.

"Thanks," I said gratefully, taking a small bite of the toast. I wasn't hungry, but knew if I didn't eat at least a little I'd feel sick later.

We ate in silence for a bit, eating and drinking our coffee. "Nice place you have here," I said. "Do you have a roommate?"

"I do. But he's never around."

I think we both wanted to discuss the kiss, but neither of us wanted to be the one to bring it up. What was certain was neither of us wanted to discuss Taylor. I was fine with that.

"So." Ryan said after a while. "You're really leaving this time?"

There was a slight playful mocking tone in his voice.

"Yep." I said, sighing. "I really am."

"It goes without saying you'll be missed. Not just by me, but by all of us."

I was touched. "Thanks, Ryan. That means a lot. Considering everything that's happened." I thought about everyone I'd met in the last two weeks - Kate especially. She and I had really hit it off. I'd miss her a lot.

"When's your flight?" he asked, through a bite of toast.

"I couldn't get a seat until tonight. And there was nothing to Portland at all. I got a seat on a flight to Seattle."

He nodded. "I can drive you to the airport."

"Thanks." I said, getting up to refill my coffee.

Then I realized something. I'd left my rental car at the cabin. How couId I have been that stupid?

I turned around and leaned against the counter to face him. "I just realized I'm an idiot. I left my car at the cabin. It needs to be dropped off at the mall by midnight tonight."

"Uh, oh. Well, you can't go back there. Taylor might be there."

"I know." I groaned. "Could you drive it there? I can pay for you to take a cab back your car. I know it's a pain in the ass, but if I don't return it they'll kick my ass with fees."

"Sure. I'll do it." Ryan replied. "Actually, I could probably just pick it up on the way back from dropping you off at the airport. I can tow it."

"Are you sure? What if you damage it?"

"I'm not going to damage it." Ryan said, laughing. "Trust me, I've towed a lot of cars in my life."

I believed him, and besides, I didn't even want to deal with the car.

"You are seriously the nicest person I have ever met." I said, walking over and hugging him hard. He hugged me back.

"Well, I didn't say you wouldn't owe me a favor." He joked, letting go and ruffling my hair, smiling at me warmly.

"Anything for you." I replied, walking around and sitting back down at the table.

I felt my phone buzz again. I sighed and took it out. I read the next four messages from Taylor:

_Why is your car here? -T_

_I just read the note. Please don't do this. -T_

_Are you at the airport? I'm coming. -T_

_Palace? Please answer I am a wreck -T_

The realization that I had done what I had done was starting to sink in, and though I should have felt angry, I only felt sad. My heart literally hurt.

"Palace..."

I looked up. "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry about the kiss. It was uncalled for, and I'm sure, the last thing you wanted to deal with at the time."

"Hey, it's totally fine. Really. " I said quickly, putting my phone away, glad for the distraction. "Seriously. Don't worry about it."

Ryan nodded, taking a sip of his coffee. He looked like he wanted to say more, but he didn't.

I decided to change the subject.

"So, what's your plan for today?" I asked brightly, taking one last bite of my eggs, and getting up and rinsing off my plate in the sink.

"I have a meeting at the theatre," he replied. "I should leave soon, actually."

"Oh."

"You can come to work with me if you want? May be more interesting than just hanging around here alone." he said.

"I'd love that." I said.

"Can you be ready in 20?" he asked, discarding his coffee cup on the counter. "I'm gonna hit the shower."

I watched Ryan leave the kitchen to presumably take a shower, and thought about how for the first time since I'd arrived in Tulsa, I couldn't wait to get home.

—

Taylor

I am not proud of how I acted that day Palace left. I was out of my mind. I have no excuse, really, for my behavior - only that I loved her. I was devastated when she left.

She'd left me a note. I couldn't believe it. After all that had happened. Even though her words were clear, I couldn't accept it.

There was no way that, after what I'd told her, that she would leave, I reasoned. Leaving Natalie was what I thought she wanted me to do. Or so I thought. I knew how lucky I was to find someone like her. I could not lose her. I just...couldn't.

After I'd discovered her note, I'd dressed quickly, hoping I could catch her at the airport. I'd been a wreck, driven like a bat out of hell, desperately hoping I'd make it to the airport before her. I didn't know what I'd say if I caught her. I just knew I had to see her. I'd beg her to stay if I had to. In front of everyone. I didn't care.

I haphazardly parked in a no parking zone. I didn't care about getting a ticket. I didn't care if they towed my car, even. I just had to get to Palace before she left.

"Sir, you can't park there." the attendant had informed me, running after me into the terminal.

"Tow me then." I had snarled, walking away.

Palace thought she was doing me a favor by leaving. She thought she was preventing me from making a big mistake. But Palace didn't know that I had already been planning to leave Natalie long before I had met her. What Palace had done was given me a real reason to leave.

I ran to the monitor and scanned for any flights leaving for Portland. I didn't see any for that day.

"Fuck!" I swore. She'd already left. I'd missed her. She was really gone. I'd lost her.

I couldn't believe it.

I had sat down heavily on a chair, on the verge of tears. I gritted my teeth. I was not going to cry in the middle of the airport. Her leaving was bad enough, but there was something so much worse about her leaving after the conversation we'd had last night.

"FUCK!" I swore again, unable to contain the rage I felt building in me. Maybe she wasn't gone. Maybe she'd been lying. Maybe she was still in Tulsa. There was only one way to find out.

I marched over to the Customer Service kiosk and demanded to speak to a manager. The representative took one look at me, and did as I asked without question. I waited for what seemed like eternity for the manager to show up.

"Can I help you, sir?" he asked pleasantly.

"I need to know if a certain passenger was on any flights this morning."

"Pardon?"

"I need to know if a certain person got on a plane out of this airport this morning. " I said slowly, as if speaking to a young child.

"Do you know their flight number, sir?"

"No, you're not understanding me. I don't know what flight she was on. That's what I'm trying to figure out."

"So...you don't know the flight number? What about airline?"

I was getting really frustrated. "How am I not being clear? I just need you to look up a name and see if she got on any flights this morning."

The manager just stared at me. "Sir, we can't share that type of information."

I'm still proud of myself for not punching that guy in the face.

"Look, this is really important, okay? If I give you her name, can't you just look in your database and see what flight, if any, she left on?"

"Sir, I apologize, but again: we cannot give out confidential information on our customer's itineraries."

I just stared at him for a moment. "Fine. Whatever." I said. "You're fucking useless." I said as I stalked away.

I went outside and shakily lit a cigarette. I inhaled the smoke and held it in longer than usual, hoping the nicotine would calm my nerves and help me focus. Not sure what to do but wait, hoping she'd show up, I sat down on a bench in the terminal and chain-smoked. I tried calling her again. No answer. I tried another text.

_How could you do this to me? I don't understand. You said you'd stay. -T_

She didn't answer. I sat there smoking and replayed everything Palace had said to me the night before in my head.

_I want so fucking badly for us to be together._

_It was Kate, actually, who to told me the truth._

I really thought I'd convinced her to stay. Me being married was always the thing that she had a hard time with. I just didn't get it. Why would she leave after what I had told her I'd do?

The more I thought about it, the more angry I became at Kate. I'd always hated Kate, and she'd always hated me. She never got over what happened between us, even though it was such a long time ago. That girl could hold a grudge. Since then, she'd tried to sabotage anything I could have outside of Natalie. It was like she hated me so much all she wanted was to see me miserable.

If it hadn't been for Kate, Palace may still be here. Kate had screwed up the last chance I had with Palace. This was the last time that bitch was going to screw up something good I had. She was going to pay for this. I knew what I had to do.

I snuffed out my cigarette, and quickly walked back to my car. Thankfully, it was still there, though as I had been warned, I did have a ticket. I didn't care.

I got into my car and drove to Zac and Kate's.

—

Palace

The performing arts center that Ryan worked at was located downtown. It was big and state-of-the art, and just the type of theatre I'd love to work for. It was dark and there were no shows going on at that time. After giving me a small tour of the space, Ryan had told me he had to meet with the production manager to go over some sound cues for the upcoming touring show. Promising me it wouldn't be more than a couple hours, he left me to my own devices in the green room.

I sat down on the couch and tried to read the book I had brought, but I couldn't concentrate. I opened another one of Taylor's texts.

_I'm at the airport. I don't see any flights to Portland. Are you still here? -T_

I was relieved my idea to fly to Seattle to throw him off had worked, but it still felt terrible anyway. It took all of my self-control not to reply back.

I wandered around the backstage area, trying not to think of Taylor, poking my head into dark dressing rooms, and checking out the booth. Being in a theatre space, even though it was an unfamiliar one, comforted me in a way. I always had felt happiest in the theatre. I sat in the booth and looked out at the dark, empty space, the proscenium with its black curtain and red velvet chairs barely visible in the dim light, and imagined them opening to reveal a beautiful and lavish set, filled with gorgeous and talented actors ready to entertaIn and enrapture the audience in that unique and visceral way that only theatre can.

I stared out into the dark, running my hands listlessly over the keys on the lightboard for what seemed like a long time until my trance was broken by the beep of my phone, alerting me I had yet next another text.

_How could you do this to me? I don't understand. You said you'd stay. -T_

I wanted so badly to answer him, but I knew I shouldn't. I re-read the text, sighed and put the phone back in my pocket.

Eventually, I left the booth and went back into the green room. After awhile, Ryan returned. He sat down next to me on the couch.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Not so good." I said honestly. "I think it's finally hitting me."

"You did the right thing."

"I know. It just hurts."

He smiled sadly. Something told me he knew how I felt.

"Come on." he said, standing up and extending his hand. "Let's go. We got some time before we have to head to the airport. Let's get something to eat."

I took his hand and he lifted me off the couch. Just then, Ryan's phone rang. He took it out of his pocket and looked at it. I could tell by the look on his face exactly who it was.

"It's Taylor." he said, looking up at me. "Should I answer it?"

I thought a second. "Yeah. Put it on speaker."

Ryan put his finger to his lips, instructing me to be quiet as he answered the call.

"Hey buddy. What's up?"

"Is Palace with you?"

I was taken aback by the tone of Taylor's voice. I'd never heard him like that. He sounded really angry.

"Hello to you too" Ryan joked, rolling his eyes at me.

"Yeah, Palace. You know. That girl you met last week who you took to my party?"

"Oh right. The one you ran off with?" Ryan's tone was sarcastic, but it seemed to go over Taylor's head.

"Yeah. Have you seen her?"

Ryan sighed. "No man, I haven't seen her since that night."

A few more words were exchanged, then Ryan hung up. I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thanks." I said.

"You're safe. He has no idea I'm with you. He says he went to the airport looking for you. He said he's going over to Kate's."

"What? Why?"

That struck me as odd. Why would he go over to their place now? And then I remembered that I'd told him she was the one who told me about his lie.

"I don't know. He didn't say."

"I know why." I said. "To confront Kate. I told him she told me about the lie. I didn't mention you."

Ryan didn't look concerned. "She can handle it. Trust me. She's dealt with this before with Taylor."

"With Melody." I said after a moment.

He nodded. "Yeah."

I wanted to know more, but could sense Ryan didn't want to talk about it. Maybe he'd been involved with her too.

I sensed it was time to change the subject again.

"Well? Shall we get food?" I said brightly, trying to push the bad feeling I had out of my head. All I could think about was how much drama I had and was apparently going to cause for Zac and Kate.

—

Taylor

I drove to Kate and Zac's, gripping the steering wheel so hard my knuckles were white. I skidded to a stop in front of their place, not caring that I was blocking Kate's van. I stalked up to the door and knocked loudly. Kate opened the door, holding Abe. He smiled and waved at me.

"Hey little buddy." I said, ignoring Kate's look. "How's my favorite little nephew?"

"What do you want, Taylor?" she asked crisply. Her pretty brown eyes stared coldly at me.

"Hello to you too." I sneered, looking at her. "We need to talk. I need to come in."

"I have nothing to say to you." she replied, starting to close the door. I caught it. She glared at me.

"Well, too bad, because I have a lot to say to you" I said, pushing past her and into the house. I turned and we stared each other down. She looked absolutely livid.

"How dare you," She said, looking outside and then closing the door. "come into MY house and act like this. Zac's home, you know."

"I don't give a shit." I said. Her eyes narrowed.

"Put the baby down." I said, "then you are going to listen to what I have to say."

"You're a real piece of work." she said, stalking out of the living room.

"You better believe it." I called after her, sitting down on the large white sectional couch in their living room. I lit another cigarette and took a drag, waiting for Kate to return.

Kate returned with Zac, as I figured she would.

"What the fuck is your problem?" Zac said immediately, waking up to me. I took another drag of my cigarette.

"Nothing. Except that your bitch of a wife stuck her nose where it doesn't belong again, and now Palace is gone."

"Don't call her a bitch. If I hear that again, your ass is getting kicked out of here." Zac looked at me disgustedly. "And you know we don't smoke inside." he added, snatching my cigarette out of my hand and tossing it in a nearby trashcan.

My grief had made me bold. I don't know what I was thinking, going there to confront Kate, fighting with Zac...I was out of my mind, like I said. It could only end badly, but at the time, I didn't care. I just had to have someone to blame, because I couldn't see at the time that I was the one to blame.

"So? What do you want?" Kate asked, hands on her hips.

"I want to know why you sabotaged Palace and I's relationship." I said carefully, standing up, trying to keep my cool.

"Palace and your's relationship?" Zac echoed. "What relationship?"

It occurred to me then that Zac may not know how involved Palace and I were.

Kate stopped me before I could explain. "Yeah, Taylor has been seeing Palace this whole time. Taking her out to the cabin and everything."

Zac looked shocked. "No. No way."

"But she told me she was going to stop seeing him." Kate added.

"Yeah, she was but then I admitted I lied about Natalie and she agreed to stay." I spat back. "But I woke up today and she was gone."

"She agreed to stay after you admitted to lying?" Kate asked unbelieving. She looked at me accusingly. "What did you do then, huh? What could you have possibly said to convince her to stay after that?"

I paused, unsure if I wanted to tell them the whole story. I decided I did. It was important for me that they know I would have done anything to make Palace stay. I needed them to know that I loved her. That she was different.

"I told her I'd leave Natalie if she stayed."

Both Zac and Kate looked stunned.

"What?" Zac said. "Are you kidding me? Are you fucking off your rocker?"

"You know you can't do that." Kate said simply.

"I can do whatever the hell I want." I said. "Fuck, I am so sick of doing everything for everyone else. Why can't I do something for myself? Why can't I be happy?"

Zac laughed, a mocking tone. "Give me a break. Get over yourself. This isn't about you. What about your kids?"

"I don't care. They'll be fine. I just can't stay with Natalie anymore."

"You know she's not stable. Just think about someone else other than yourself for a minute. Use your head." Zac said.

"I have! I'm leaving her, I am... and I will find Palace...if I have to chase her all over the fucking world, I'll find her."

I didn't care if I sounded crazy or desperate.

Zac groaned. "Listen to yourself! Let her go! You already fucked up and lied to her. She's better off without you. "

Zac was right, but I couldn't accept it. I was so angry, and had no one to channel that rage into. I was unhappy and I knew it was as a result of the choices I'd made.

"Things would have been fine with us if Kate hadn't told her about my situation."

"Your 'situation'?" Kate asked. "Seriously? That's what you call it? You mean your family?"

"Yeah. It was none of your fucking business!" I said, taking a step closer to her.

"Damn right it was! Palace is my friend. And I know how badly you treat women. I knew how this would end for her! I did her a favor by telling her."

I wasn't sure what to say to that. Zac glared at me.

"You've always hated me." I said simply.

She nodded. "That's a fair assessment."

"Why?"

"Because you're a selfish asshole who has no concept of what it means to really love someone." 

"Harsh words." I said. I was angry. How dare she tell me what I was capable of? Maybe I hadn't been the best husband, but I could love - I did love. I loved Palace.

I knew by bringing up what had happened with Kate, I was opening a can of worms, but I didn't care. I wanted to cause drama. I wanted her to suffer. I had never hated her more than I had in that moment. There was an unspoken rule between the three of us that we didn't discuss the affair I had with Kate.

Years ago, before Shepard was born, Kate and I had a short affair. She claims she did it because Zac and her were fighting at the time and on the verge of breaking up. She said she would have never done it if she hadn't felt so lonely and unloved by Zac at the time. Zac found out, and it almost ruined them. He forgave her, but he never forgave me. Strangely enough, I think it made them a stronger couple, but it did ruin my relationship with him and with her.

"You didn't always hate me. If I do recall, there was a time you felt the opposite."

"Do not bring that up right now, Taylor."

"Just sayin." I said casually. "Since you hate me so much, how can I trust that you are telling me the truth? What if you do know where she went?"

"She probably went home, Taylor!" Kate said. "She was devastated. She wants nothing to do with you. You really hurt her."

"And who's fault is that!?" I yelled at her. "Why did you have to tell her?"

"Because she deserved to know!" she yelled back.

"That is enough!" Zac yelled. "What you and Kate had was nothing compared to what we have now. She dumped you and chose me. And you never got over that. You know why? Because you can't handle rejection. Palace left you, went home, because you're a lying piece of shit, not because Kate told her about your fucked up cheating, ok?"

I glared at him, angry because I knew he was right.

"Fine." I said, "I'm leaving."

And with that, I walked out, leaving the door open behind me.


	18. Wrecking Ball

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Palace learns some unsettling information about Taylor's past relationship, says her goodbyes and leaves Tulsa.

We clawed, we chained, our hearts in vain  
We jumped, never asking why  
We kissed, I fell under your spell  
A love no one could deny  
Don't you ever say I just walked away  
I will always want you

\--

Saturday, Week Two

Palace

After leaving the theatre, Ryan and I stopped by a little BBQ place for dinner. The place was a total dive, decorated with old, fading framed pictures of old country legends, but had some of the best barbeque I've ever had. As difficult as it was, I was trying to not think about Taylor and enjoy my last day in Tulsa. But avoiding him proved impossible.

"The last two weeks have felt like an eternity." I admitted, taking a tentative bite of my coleslaw. I usually didn't like coleslaw, but was always willing to try it, since it was made so differently at different restaurants.

Ryan nodded. "It has."

"It's been so great being here, but I am so emotionally drained." I admitted. "Despite what happened with Taylor, I wouldn't have changed a thing, though. I got to meet you, after all."

He smiled, a bit sadly. "Yeah? Really? Sometimes I feel like I got between you and him."

"No, no. No." I said quickly. "If it wasn't for you, I'd probably still be completely clueless about who he is. More than anything I'm just embarrassed about the whole thing. Getting involved with him was stupid and selfish. I don't know what I was thinking. Call it momentary fangirl syndrome." I joked.

"But if it wasn't for me, you would have never met him the way you did...got to know all of us I mean. I introduced you two."

He had a point.

"True..." I said slowly. "But I wouldn't change anything. Really. Things happen the way they're meant to." I smiled at him reassuringly. I was sad, but wanted to put up a good front for Ryan. I didn't want him to know how much this had affected me. How hurt I really was.

"Are you still going to be a fan? After all this, I mean." he asked.

"Probably not." I admitted. "I mean, I probably won't go to shows anymore. I'll always love their music, but I don't think I could see Taylor ever again. I don't want to. It'd be too hard."

He was quiet for a moment as he ate. "That's too bad." he said finally. "I mean, about Hanson. I know you have been a fan for a long time, right?"

"You could say that." I sighed. "But it's all so different now. I can't just continue being a "fan" you know? It just all leaves a bitter taste in my mouth."

He nodded. I picked at my coleslaw.

"Hey." He said. "We all make mistakes. We all get caught up in people that aren't good for us. But we learn from it. And, you know, maybe emerge stronger next time, for the next relationship."

I smiled. "That is true. How'd you get so smart?" I joked. "Maybe you should become a relationship counselor and ditch music."

"Haha. Funny." he said. "Oh, that reminds me!" he added, digging into his bag and taking out a CD and handing it to me. "I wanted to give this to you. It's my band's EP."

"Awesome' Thank you." I said, taking it and studying it. The cover art featured a picture of Ryan and another guy dressed as cowboys standing in a field. A bit cliche, but they looked good, anyway.

"That's a nice picture of you." I said, carefully opening my purse and placing the CD in it. "I'll listen to it for sure."

"I'd like that." he replied, snatching a bite of my coleslaw and winking at me as I raised my eyebrow.

—

Ryan and I decided we had time on our way to the airport to stop by and visit Kate and Zac. I was worried about what Taylor had said to Kate, and wanted to talk to her. I couldn't leave without knowing everything was okay. We arrived and didn't see Taylor's car in their driveway, which was a relief. Maybe he had decided to not stop by after all.

Kate opened the door before we were even up the steps. She stepped outside and closed the door behind her. She had a baby in her arms, which I assumed was Abe, her youngest son.

I knew this because, well, I was a fan, and we all knew that she'd recently had another baby.

"Hey, you two." She said, smiling. She sounded tired.

'What's up?" Ryan asked, sensing something was wrong. "Everything okay, Katie?"

"Taylor was just here. It was really stressful. Zac is really upset. He's inside. I just needed some air."

"I'm going to go talk to Zac." Ryan said, as he walked inside, shutting the door softly behind him.

"I am so sorry, Kate." I said. "It's my fault. I told him last night that you were the one that told me about him lying about being in an open marriage."

"It's okay." she said.

She sat down on a rattan couch on the porch, spreading a blanket down on the floor and placing Abe on it. She rummaged around in the pocket of her sweater and produced a small rattle toy. She handed it to the baby, who immediately started playing with it contentedly. She then patted the seat beside her. "Here. Sit. Talk to me."

I did so. I felt awful. I'm sure this was the last thing Kate needed. I'd only just met these people a couple weeks ago, and had already caused so much drama in their lives.

"I am so sorry." I said again, as I sat down. She gave me a small hug. "Really. It's okay."

"What did Taylor say?" I asked her, not really wanting to know, but also curious.

"Oh, he came over and just got up in my face. He blamed me for you leaving. He was a mess."

"I left last night when he was sleeping."

"Yeah, he said you left a note?"

"I did. I didn't know what else to do. I guess it was kind of taking the easy way out on my part, but I just couldn't say goodbye to him. I tried. I couldn't do it. "

Kate looked at me sadly. "No one is judging you. You did what you had to do."

There was something I had to know. I hoped it would help me understand Taylor better, which I hoped would help me get over him.

"Kate?"

"Yeah?"

"Who was Melody?"

Kate replied after a minute. "My best friend and Ryan's old girlfriend."

"That explains everything." I said simply. "I thought so. Why Ryan won't talk about her. I think I can guess what happened."

"Yeah, her and Ryan dated for years. He wanted to marry her. Then she got involved with Taylor."

"Oh, man..."

"Yeah."

"What did Ryan do?"

"He actually tried to be cool about it. He really loved her, and they tried to stay friends. Ryan is a lover, not a fighter, you know? Ryan was never mad at Melody, but he was furious with Taylor."

"When did this happen?"

"About three years ago."

So Taylor stole Ryan's girl. That explains so much of the hostility between them.

"So Taylor stole Melody from Ryan?"

"Well, if only it were that simple. I actually think Ryan forgave Taylor for that. They'd been friends for so long. Taylor and Melody weren't together long. Melody came to her senses and broke it off. But it was too late. The damage had been done. Ryan found out and dumped her. She tried to convince Ryan to take her back but he wouldn't. They remained friends. It was what Taylor did after that I don't think Ryan could never forgive."

"What did he do?" I asked slowly. I was starting to get a bad feeling.

"After Melody told Taylor she couldn't see him anymore, Taylor was furious. Like, insanely angry and jealous. A lot like how he's acting with you now. He couldn't even handle Melody being around after a while. At the time, she was working for 3CG, and Taylor convinced Zac and Ike to agree to fire her. He said he'd quit Hanson if they didn't."

"Wow." I said. I was at a loss for words.

"Yeah. Just because he couldn't deal with having her around if she wouldn't be with him."

I just shook my head. "Wow. Unbelievable."

"There's more." She said sadly. Abe fussed, rattle forgotten, and stood up on wobbly legs, reaching out for Kate. She picked him up and placed him on her lap. She didn't say anything for a moment. She smiled at Abe and rattled his toy for him. He eyed it disinterestedly. Then she looked up at me again and continued.

"Melody really loved Ryan. When when he wouldn't get back with her after the disaster that was Taylor, she was devastated. She saw her affair with Taylor as something she wanted to put behind her, a moment of weakness I guess. But Ryan would not take her back. Taylor made her life a living hell. He stalked her. Talked shit about her to everyone - told everyone that she was a slut, that she was a bitch. He would show up at her house in the middle of the night drunk, yelling at her to go back with him. He once threatened her that he would kill himself if she didn't keep seeing him. I remember once she told me that she thought the only way to get away from him was to leave town. I tried to convince her to stay. I got her a job working with me at the museum, - I work there sometimes, doing their payroll - and for a while, it seemed like things would be alright. Taylor stopped harassing her as much, but she still had to avoid most situations because she was afraid he'd be there. "

"Did Natalie find out?"

"No. She never did. She still doesn't know Taylor cheats on her. We - Ryan, Zac and I - try really hard to keep it from her."

"Why?" I asked. "I'm curious. Why do you help him hide his cheating from her?"

"Natalie's not stable. If she found out about Taylor's cheating, it'd kill her." Kate said simply.

"But doesn't she deserve to know?"

"Trust me, she's better off not knowing. I know it's hard to understand, but Taylor and the kids are her whole world. It would just kill her."

"It probably doesn't matter, anyway." she continued. "Taylor doesn't seem to care anymore about keeping it from her. I guess it's only a matter of time before she finds out. I guess we're just prolonging the inevitable. We just keep hoping, I guess, that Taylor will stop. He started seeing other girls after Melody, but never anyone for too long. He'd dump her once they started wanting more, or threatened to talk to Natalie.

Kate paused for a moment. "But you were different. He's never said he'd leave Natalie for anyone except Melody. Taylor's always thought he could get away with cheating, and he has. But then you came along, and you were different. We could tell he loved you. That's why we were all so scared for you and for him. It was Melody all over again. I am so glad you see him for what he is, and you broke it off on your terms. We're all just so scared he's going to destroy his family, the band... He has so much to lose."

"So what happened?" I asked.

"See, we had all the same friends. Melody was the first girl he ever cheated on Natalie with. We knew he'd been unhappy for a while, but we didn't think he was capable of cheating. I think Taylor thought Melody could be his way away from Natalie. He wanted to tell Natalie, but we begged him not to."

Had? I felt that sinking feeling getting deeper. Kate put the baby back on the blanket and pulled her legs up to her chest. She stared out ahead, looking at something past the driveway I couldn't identify. I could tell this was really hard for her to talk about.

"So anyway, after Taylor stopped seeing Melody, and Ryan wouldn't take her back, she became depressed. One night she came over, crying uncontrollably, telling me she'd made one last effort to get Ryan back, and he had said there was no chance. He couldn't forgive her for cheating on him with Taylor. He told her he would always be there for her as a friend, but he'd never be with her that way again. That was the last time I saw her. The next morning, her mother called me to tell me that Melody had killed herself. She'd...cut her wrists."

I was shocked.

"Oh my gosh, Kate...I am so sorry. How awful."

"Yeah. It was really rough. I miss her a lot. It was really ugly. Melody blamed Taylor in her note. Ryan blamed Taylor. Taylor blamed Ryan. I blamed myself, like maybe if I'd said something, maybe she wouldn't have done it."

"Kate, trust me. There is nothing you could have done. You can't blame yourself."

I got it now. This was why Ryan didn't want to talk about Melody. This was why he had been so adamant that I'd regret getting involved with Taylor.

"Poor Ryan." I said, shifting my position on my chair. "That must have been so hard for him."

"Yeah, it was. He blamed himself for a long time."

She looked at me and smiled sadly. "You can see now why we are all so worried about you and Taylor. How he's treating you now is exactly how it started with Melody. It's good you're leaving, in a way. Because that way he can't stalk you like he did Melody."

"I just can't believe he'd treat her like that."

"Taylor is a lot of things, Palace. He's complicated. He can be incredibly loving but also incredibly selfish and manipulative...if he doesn't get what he wants. He's sort of brilliant and mad, all at the same time."

"Yeah...I guess so." I managed to reply. Right then, as if on cue, Zac and Ryan came outside.

"Hey Palace." Zac said. "You still here?" he joked. "We just can't get rid of you, can we?"

I stood up and we hugged.

"Hey Zac." I said, laughing.

We stood for a while making small talk, but we all felt the weight of what had happened. After a while, we said our goodbyes. Kate made me promise to call her when I arrived in Portland. I said I would.

Then Ryan and I got into the truck and drove to the airport.

—

Taylor

I drove home from Zac and Kate's, angry and frustrated. I hadn't wanted to go home, especially when I was that upset, but I wasn't sure where else to go. I considered going back to the cabin, to see if maybe Palace had returned, but a part of me knew she hadn't and never would. She was really gone. I could feel it.

I pulled up into my driveway and turned my car off, but didn't get out of the car. I felt sick with grief. I'd screwed up yet again, and lost the girl I loved. I hadn't felt this way about a girl since Melody. I had promised myself if I ever met anyone like Melody again, that I'd waste no time and leave Natalie for good. But I had found that girl in Palace. The irony of it was that she wouldn't let me leave Natalie. I laughed bitterly at the absurdity of it. I had the shittiest luck. Perhaps I was destined to be unhappy. Maybe I even deserved it.

I don't know how long I sat in my car, thinking. I thought about everything that had happened in the past two weeks. I thought about that night I'd met Palace. I remembered thinking that she was the most beautiful woman I'd seen in awhile. I thought about the instant chemistry we had. I thought about everything we'd experienced, the good times we'd shared. I thought about all the crazy, passionate love we'd made, and how we'd stayed up all night talking afterward. I'd told her things I had never told anyone else. I thought about that night in the rain.

When I shook myself out of my funk it was dark outside. I hastily opened my glove box and retrieved my small songwriting notebook. I turned on the interior light. I usually kept in my car in case I felt inspired to write. I turned to the page with the song I'd been working on for Palace, "Stop Me In My Tracks." I'd been struggling with it. It didn't feel finished. There was something missing, I just wasn't sure what it was. I read over what I'd already written, basically a chorus and not much else.

_You're the only one that can stop my heart_  
You're the one that brings me back  
You stop me in my tracks 

_I don't wanna wake up dead inside  
You're the one that makes me feel alive,_

I scribbled down a few more lyrics that had been spinning around in my head since I woke up that morning and saw her note.

_You really get my motor running_  
Push me to the limit  
When I get home, Monday morning  
I have the scars to prove it 

_You make me drive fast, past the warning_  
You help me lose my regret  
Roll down the window, hug the corner  
Drive into the sunset 

I sat back, satisfied. It made me sad to know that Palace may never hear the final, completed song. I had played a bit of it for her, and she'd loved it. I sat there, feeling dejected.

Suddenly, I had a idea: I'd record it, and send it to her. Something to remember me by.

I started the car back up and drove towards the studio.

—

Palace

Ryan and I were quiet on our drive to the airport. Neither of us were sure what to say, or how to say goodbye. Ryan was right, it had felt like I'd known him longer than the two weeks I had. I felt close to him like someone I'd known forever. I trusted him. He cared about me and I cared about him.

We arrived at the airport in record time, because of course, there was no traffic.

"What airline?" he asked.

"American." I replied.

He pulled up to the American drop-off point and turned off the car.

"Well, here you are." He said, unbuckling and turning in his seat towards me. "Ready?"

"Not really?" I said.

"Come on," he said, motioning to the back with his head. "I'll get your bags."

Part of me was scared I'd see Taylor, that he'd find me before I could leave, and he'd beg me to stay.

I slowly got out of the truck, and looked around nervously, half expecting to see Taylor, but he was nowhere to be seen. I was both disappointed and relieved for that fact. I stood on the curb awkwardly as Ryan got my bags out of the back of his truck and laid them on the curb beside me.

We stood there for a minute, facing each other, unsure what to say. I hated goodbyes. I couldn't believe I was leaving. I didn't want to, but I knew I had a life I had to get back to. I'd miss Taylor, sure - but I was starting to realize I'd miss Ryan, possibly more, but in an entirely different way. He had been such a good friend to me. I'd put him through so much, but he'd always been there for me. I was sure I wouldn't have had the strength to leave Taylor without Ryan's support. I'm not saying I'd have stayed with Taylor forever. I always knew that wasn't an option. My affair with Taylor was always doomed to end - but without Ryan's support, I am ashamed to admit I probably would have drawn it out longer.

"I'm gonna miss you." he finally said, fiercely hugging me.

"Me too." I mumbled into his shoulder.

He let go first, shoving his hands in his pockets, stepping back and smiling as he studied me.

"Are you going to be okay?" he asked.

"I'll be fine." I said. "He's the one you should be worried about. I'm the heartbreaker, remember?"

I could tell Ryan knew I didn't mean it. He knew that Taylor had gotten under my skin, and my original plan to avoid falling in love had failed. But if Ryan knew he didn't show it.

"That's my girl." he said, winking. He backed up towards his truck, and tipped his cowboy hat at me. "It's been grand, little lady. Until we meet again."

And with that, he was gone. I watched his truck disappear around the bend. Then I picked up my bags and walked into the terminal.


	19. Someone Like You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Palace reflects on what happened. Taylor gives Palace a call.

Nothing compares, no worries or cares  
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made  
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

\--

May 2016

It has been two years since I saw Taylor. Leaving him was the absolute hardest thing I've ever had to do.

That first month back was especially difficult. I missed Taylor greatly. I thought of him often. I buried myself in work, hoping it would help distract me, but it didn't. I missed him more everyday. I couldn't believe I'd fallen so hard for him in such a short amount of time. At night, I'd lay in bed staring at the ceiling, going over in my head what had happened. Sometimes I seriously doubted if I'd made the right decision. I didn't know if I could get through the heartbreak. Other times, I felt angry at him that he had lied to me and put me through this. But the strongest emotion I felt was sadness. For him and for me.

I called Kate a lot. We'd chat on the phone. She'd tell me about what was going on in Tulsa. She'd carefully avoid mentioning Taylor. He continued to text me for months, occasionally calling me late at night. I never answered, and eventually he stopped trying to contact me. Ryan and I keep in touch though I haven't seen him since that day in Tulsa at the airport. His band blew up recently, and he's currently on tour. I'm happy for him. He deserves all the success.

With every day that passed, it hurt a little less. I wouldn't say I got over Taylor - it was more that I just eventually accepted he was gone.

I never heard from or spoke to him again.

That is, until this month, exactly two years later, when I received a package in the mail. The return address was from 3CG. Initially, I thought it may be a mistake; that the fan club had sent me the new EP by accident, even though I'd cancelled my membership last year. I opened it carefully. A note and a blank CD fell out. I recognized Taylor's handwriting immediately. I felt my heart jump. I swallowed hard, carefully unfolded and read the note.

_Hey Palace,_

_I finished the song I wrote or you. I thought you may want to hear it._

_I am so sorry for everything._

_Tay_

I carefully put the note down on the bed, and walked over to the CD player. I popped the CD in. Before the opening chords even started playing, there was a knock at my door. I quickly pushed stop and turned around. The door opened and my boyfriend Ramone walked in.

"Hey babe. You ready to go?" he asked. He noticed I was standing at the CD player. "What are you listening to?" he asked.

"Nothing." I said quickly, taking the CD out, putting it back in the envelope and shoving it and the note in a drawer.

He looked at me strangely. "Okay then. You ready to go? Our Uber is here."

"Yep." I said cheerfully, giving him a kiss and taking his hand, leading him out the door.

—

Sometimes, late at night, when I can't sleep, I lay in bed and listen to the song Taylor wrote for me. It soothes me like a lullaby does a child.

_You're the only one that can stop my heart_

_You're the one that brings me back_

_You stop me in my tracks_

_I don't wanna wake up dead inside_

_You're the one that makes me feel alive_

As I listen, all the memories of our time together come rushing back, and despite the sadness they bring, I feel a peace, too. I close my eyes, and I can again see how Taylor used to look at me; with that mix of awe and unbridled lust, like he had found the cure to everything that ailed him in me. I doubt I'll ever find anyone who looks at me like that again. And that's okay. I don't want to.

Eventually, I moved on. I had to.

But it's hard to move on when ghosts from your past keep popping up.

I bet you thought that was the end of it, huh? Not quite.

It was a chilly, wet day, a week after I received that EP in the mail, and just another day of rehearsal at the theatre when I received an unidentified call on my cell. I didn't recognize the number, so I let it ring. Later in rehearsal, curious, I excused myself, left my assistant in charge, and stepped outside to check my messages. Taylor had called and left a message from another number. I listened to the message, tensed.

_Hey Palace...it's me, Taylor. Long time no talk, huh? I know we aren't supposed to talk, but well, things have happened, and...well, it'd just be nice to hear your voice...see how you are doing? I think of you often... you can call me back on this phone, 555-5434...but hey, no pressure if you feel like you can't...I, uh, hope you're doing well. Take care."_

I wasn't prepared for what I would feel when I heard his voice. All that pain I'd experienced came back to me. I felt faint. I carefully sat down on a bench and took a deep breath. I listened to it again, and then hung up the phone, letting it fall softly in my lap.

Had I been a fool to think I was over Taylor? I don't know. I had moved on, I thought...but perhaps a part of me would always love him? The knot in my stomach proved that. I both cherished and resented that fact. I stared down at my hands at the tattoos on them; "unexpected" and "beautiful" inked in cursive on each hand. Maybe Taylor had been that "unexpected beautiful" I'd been longing for, I thought bitterly. Too bad that beautiful had been so temporary.

After what seemed like hours of deliberation, I decided not to call Taylor back. Not because I didn't want to talk to him – God, I did, more than anything – but because I knew if we did talk, we wouldn't be able to stop. I had moved on. It was time for Taylor to do so, too.

I quickly deleted the message from him as well as the phone history before I could talk myself out of it. Then I called Zac. He answered after three rings.

"Hanson speaking."

"Hey Zac. It's Palace."

"Palace!" he said, "Wow, long time no talk. How are ya?"

I'm sure he was surprised to hear from me. Even though I'd kept in touch with Kate over the years, I'd only talked to Zac a few times since my time in Tulsa.

I decided to get straight to the point.

"Zac, Taylor called me."

"What? When?"

"Today."

He was silent for a moment. "I know why."

"Why?"

"Him and Natalie are separating."

"What?" I said. "Why?"

"She found out." Zac said simply.

"Is it public yet?"

"No. They're trying really hard to keep it from the fans."

"They'll find out eventually." I said.

"I know." He sighed.

"He also sent me a CD. Prior to calling me." I added

"He what? Of what?"

"A song he recorded for me. I don't know how he got my address."

"Wow." I could almost see Zac shaking his head on the other side of the line. "He probably got it from the fan club mailing list. He doesn't give up does he?"

"I guess not." I said quietly. I took a deep breath. "Look, Zac, it took me a long time to get over him. Can you tell him to back off? This is the least thing I need."

"I will." He said. "Consider it done."

We chatted for a bit longer, mostly about the new baby he and Kate were expecting that summer. I hung up, heart heavy. I thought about what Taylor separating from Natalie meant. For me. For him, for his family...and especially to the fans.

I imagine fans are crushed, and rightly so. I wouldn't know, since I don't talk to other fans anymore. We'd all held Taylor up to such a high standard, and he'd fought so hard to uphold our vision of him. I knew what we were feeling, though, was nothing compared to what he was. We'd put him on such a pedestal; he was always destined to fall off it and disappoint all of us. 

Hanson's music, largely, is about the power of love to overcome anything. It saddened us that Taylor couldn't prove what he sang so powerfully and passionately for; love. Apparently Taylor couldn't find and keep love in his life, and that was the saddest thing of all.

So, as I sit here and find a way to finish this story, all I can really say is this; despite what happened, I still stand by what I told Ryan in Tulsa; I wouldn't change a thing. Those two weeks were both beautiful and tragic and I am grateful for the time I had to spend with Taylor. It was worth it.

I wish Taylor the best. My hope is that he can find some peace with himself and create a life for himself in which he is living both authentically and honestly.

 

Didn't like that ending? Continue for the alternate ending...


	20. Radio: Alternate Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While in town for a gig, Ryan meets up with Palace for beers.

Now my life is sweet like cinnamon  
Like a fucking dream I'm living in  
Baby love me cause I'm playing on the radio

\--

October 2016

It was just another rainy day in Seattle when Ryan called me out of the blue. I was walking to the theatre on the university campus. I'd spoken to him only a handful of times in the last few years. Despite this, I answered and was happy to hear from him.

"Ryan! Long time no talk! How are you?"

"Hey Palace! It's good to hear your voice."

I smiled, sitting down on a nearby bench. "To what do I owe this honor?"

"Well...you still live in Seattle, right?"

"I do. Been here almost a year now. Why?"

"Guess who's band has a date there next month?"

"Let me guess. Yours?"

"Bingo!"

"Really?"

"Really. I wanted to know if you, uh...might want to get together?"

"Of course I do! When?" I asked.

"November 10th. Think you can pencil me in? I know you're a big wig now...Ms. Company Manager for The Book of Mormon, is it? Think you can make time for little ol' me?"

I laughed. "Give me a break! You're the big one. I'm basically just a glorified actor babysitter, really. Even though I'm touring with this show, it's still just as thankless a job as ever. You're the one who's all famous now."

A couple years ago, Ryan's band had made it big, like I knew they would. Little did Ryan know, I'd followed them. I liked their music. I usually didn't like new country, but his band wasn't bad, it was sort of an interesting mix of country crossed with alternative rock. I think they called it "bro-country."

"Tell my manager that. He still books us the cheapest hotels he can get away with. You'd think it was 2014 all over again." He said bitterly.

"Where are you guys playing?"

"Someplace called Keys Arena, I think."

"Key Arena? Wow, Ryan. That place has got to hold 25,000. You guys really are big news."

There was a pause on the other side of the line. "I can't complain. Hey, well, I gotta go. But I'll give you a call when I get into town, okay?"

"Sounds good. I look forward to it." I said.

"Talk to you later, gator."

I smiled, and hung up. I couldn't lie - it had been years since I'd seen Ryan, but talking to him felt as familiar as it had years ago while I was Tulsa. I was looking forward to seeing him.

I continued my walk to the theatre, a spring in my step.

–

Ryan had made good on his promise; I received a call from him around two weeks later. He was in town for the weekend, and staying at the Palladian hotel. I agreed to meet him at the hotel's bar, the Pennyroyal, for a drink.

I was equal parts nervous and excited to see Ryan. I took a deep breath before entering the bar. I took off my rain jacket and coat, placed them on the coat rack and took a look around. It was a nice bar, decorated mid-century style. There he was, sitting at the bar. I walked over and sat down next to him.

"Hey stranger." I said.

"He turned around, and immediately stood up and almost knocked me over with the force of his hug. "Palace! It is so good to see you."

We stood there and just took each other in. He was more muscular than I remembered, and had more ink, but beyond that, he was the same old Ryan. Gorgeous as he always had been, smiling at me with that mega-watt smile of his.

"Wow." I said honestly. "You look really great."

"You too!" he said, as we sat down beside each-other at the bar.

"New hair?" he asked, motioning to his head.

For a moment I was confused, then I remembered I was blonde now. I had been for over a year, but the last time I saw Ryan my hair was black. He'd never seen me blonde.

"Oh! Yeah. For a while now. You like it?"

"I do." he said. "It suits you."

He ordered us two beers.

"So where are you living now?" I asked conversationally, as I sipped my beer. My nervousness was fading. I just felt comfortable with Ryan.

"I'm mostly in Nashville these days. I have a place there. But Tulsa's still home. I still keep my loft there. Always will be. I'd like to end up there, eventually. Buy a piece of land. Some animals. You know, you can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the boy."

I nodded thoughtfully, taking a sip of my beer. "This is true. Tulsa is a special place. I could see why you love it there."

"So you're living here?"

"Yeah. But I'm always on the road. The only reason I'm here this month is because we're between tours."

"It's rough, isn't it?" He asked.

""What is?"

"Being on the road."

"Oh, yeah." I agreed. "It can get to be a lot. But I love seeing new cities, and I get to meet so many people. It's been a great opportunity. I don't want to do it forever though. I'd like to go back to working rep, settle somewhere. Midwest, maybe. I'm not crazy about Seattle."

Ryan gazed out the window at the rain pounding against it and frowned. "Yeah, I imagine the rain can get old real quick."

"You can say that again." I said, finishing up my beer. "Second round's on me." I said, motioning to the bartender. He brought us two more beers.

We sat in silence for a bit. I wanted to ask if he was single but wasn't sure if it was appropriate.

It was like he read my mind. "So, are you seeing anyone?" he asked casually.

"No. I was, but it didn't work out. You?" I replied.

"No. I was engaged for a while, actually. But it didn't work out."

"Oh. I'm sorry." I said.

"Nah, don't be." he said. "It wasn't meant to be."

He caught my eye and smiled. "Look at us. Single again. Should history repeat itself?" he joked, sliding his hand seductively up my leg.

I laughed, shoving his arm. "Get your head out of the gutter, boy. Not even an hour in and you're already hitting on me?"

"Alright, sorry." he laughed. Then he added, mock-seriously, "I'll wait until you're drunker."

"Ryan!" I laughed, shoving him again. "You are too much."

I raised an eyebrow and returned to my beer, giving him the fisheye over the brim of my glass. We sat in comfortable silence for a bit, drinking our beers. I couldn't help but steal little looks at him out the corner of my eyes.

It sort of hit me then. Here was this beautiful human who was clearly still interested in me. Somehow, incredibly, he was giving me another chance. After everything I had put him through. Everything happens for a reason. Ryan and I had found each other again. I didn't know what that meant, but I was excited to where it could take us.

"What?" He asked.

"Nothing." I said, shaking my head.

"Come on! Why are you looking at me like that?"

I turned towards him. "I just had a revelation. It was you all along, wasn't it? All that shit I went through with Taylor...it was to bring me to you."

"Well, not that I ever wanted you to get involved with him, but I can't hate him for it. Without him I would never have met you. You would have never come to Tulsa if Hanson didn't exist."

We sat there, both deep in thought about what this meant.

Suddenly he asked, "Do you want to take a walk? It looks like it stopped raining."

I glanced out the window. He was right. It had.

"I would love to." I said. I hopped off the barstool, threw a 20 on the bar, and grabbed his hand. He smiled widely.

"Excellent."

"Have you ever seen the ferris wheel? I asked, as we walked out of the bar, hand in hand.


End file.
